This shiplap is killing me.

I’m in a long-term, heterosexual relationship. That means a few things.

One, it means that I’ve had to learn that there is some truth to all of the clichés, like apparently girls hate it when you leave the seat up after you pee. I always thought that women came equipped with two front-facing eyes. I was wrong, and must guard my mate against accidentally falling ass-first into the porcelain abyss.

Two, it means that my house smells dramatically better than it would if I were a 40-year-old single man. Our house has more candles than a Hanukkah supply store. When you enter my home, it smells of cinnamon, the “ocean” (not the actual ocean, which smells like fish…this is the candle version of the ocean, which smells like coconuts, verbena, and jojoba), and sandalwood.

Note: I have no idea what verbena, jojoba or sandalwood are. I don’t think anyone knows. I think a man in marketing put some made-up words on the label, and the men in the meeting were too embarrassed to admit they didn’t know what they meant.

Candle marketer: We made sure you could really smell the jojoba coming through…but then we added just a hint of verbena and sandalwood to mellow it out.

Candle executive: But of course, I mean, what good is jojoba without verbena and sandalwood, after all?

Both retreat to their respective offices, pour peppermint schnapps into oversized coffee cups, and sob deeply at the inherent misogyny of the candle-making industry.

Whatever those things are, they beat the smell of Right Guard, leftover pizza, and beer. Plus, if we ever need to warn the Minutemen of the Redcoats’ impending landing, we’re stocked and ready.

Third, it means that if a show involves flipping, buying, or renovating a house, seeking a house in this country or any other, buying or constructing a tiny house, loving it, listing it, or two twin brothers or a sickeningly happy couple from Waco doing any of the above, I’ve probably seen it.

It’s not because I want to see these shows, mind you.

It’s because my partner likes these shows (and apparently, so do many other women, given the advertising rotation of these networks). Also, she doesn’t like my choices for our viewing pleasure: MSNBC and Family Guy on endless repeat.

For my partner, that has the appeal of falling helplessly into the toilet while the house smells like Right Guard, pizza and beer.

Having seen a disproportionate number of episodes of Tiny International House Flipping Property Fixer Upper Brothers vis-à-vis my stereotypical straightness, I’ve noticed some idiosyncrasies that need to be explored.

Now, while I could use my fleeting hours of life to read the collected works of James Joyce or start a soup kitchen for the homeless, I think that the best use of my time and intellect is realized in making fun of the programming of HGTV. On a blog that 12 people read.

Takes a long sip of peppermint schnapps from an oversized coffee cup. Exhales a sigh and presses forward, knowing the best comedy comes from dark places. “Dark Places” is incidentally the name of the author’s laptop.

1. There’s hardwood under every carpet.

Every show, every time, they pull back some sea foam green shag carpet and say something to the effect of, “let’s see, we might get lucky and…oh…wait…is it?…it is! There are beautiful original hardwood floors under this carpet!”

Bull. Shit.

There is not beautiful original hardwood flooring under every carpet in America. If the original owners had wall-to-wall hardwoods, I doubt they said, “You know, these expensive, natural hardwoods look a little too beautiful. And they don’t soak up wine or dog urine well at all. We need some carpet to bring the value of this place down a few bucks, and fast.”

Just once, I’d like them to pull up the carpet and find that it’s just dirt. As in there’s no slab. Only soil. The original contractors just built a yurt in the shape of a house.

“Wanna know why you got this house at such a great price? You got the ‘no floor’ discount, sucker. Enjoy your yurt.”

2. Everyone loves to have people over and to entertain!

Maybe it’s just me, but I like to have people over approximately once or twice a year, tops.

Allow me to translate, for the non-committed-relationship set: My girlfriend likes to have people over four to five times a year, and I would be content to sit in my underwear and eat hot Cheetos and Takis while watching MSNBC. But if I did that, it would result in me becoming single. So, we compromise: I wear pants, and people come over occasionally.

But every couple on these shows has to make mention of the fact that they LOVE to entertain. They LOVE to have people over, and this open concept living room and kitchen is just PERFECT for entertaining!

And if there isn’t already an open concept, you can bet that they are going to just knock down that wall and really open it up.

I mean really. Really open it up. As opposed to just kind of opening it up. “Yeah, we’re going to punch a jagged hole in this wall, but we’ll leave the wall’s framework…we don’t want to open it up too much.”

Personally, I would add extra walls to give me more dark corners in which to hide when people visit. Maybe that’s just me. But I don’t think so. I know a lot of you, and most of you hate people, too. Don’t lie.

3. Every woman wants a giant closet for her shoes.

Women, you should get annoyed at this. These shows play to stereotypes.  Every woman always gives the “knowing giggle” about how much of a shoe lover she is, and comments as the rest of us all know it, too.

No, Emma, we don’t all assume that just because you lack a Y chromosome that you obviously need an entire room for footwear. Should I also assume that you are an editor at a New York fashion magazine?

But the male version is just as bad:

4. Every man wants a man cave, at least according to the woman.

Usually, the woman will make some comment about how, “oh, and this could be your man cave!” when they get to some “bonus room” or basement or something. Then, they all do that knowing giggle thing.

“Yep, I do love to have room for me and my other male friends to get together and shoot the breeze about how awful our wives are. But it’s okay, because we’re downstairs and surrounded by wood paneling.”

I don’t necessarily object to having a special room where I can watch football and drink beer. But because I’m not subservient to my partner, I call that special room MY ENTIRE HOUSE.

Plus she likes football and beer, so there’s that. Might wanna look into upgrading that part of your relationship before you launch into a full-scale home renovation.

By the way, what the hell is a bonus room? You’re buying the house, and you’ve undoubtedly walked through it once or twice. The room is not a surprise. It’s not like you’re going to open a closet door and it turns out it’s an entrance to Narnia.

5. The woman is in charge in every family.

I get it. There is a certain amount of deference that chivalry demands. God gave me more natural strength and broader shoulders, but as the poem goes, “the female of the species is more deadly than the male.”

God coupled those realities about me with a demeanor that genuinely does not care what color we paint the walls of the bonus Narnia. So, if my lady wants to take the lead, (a) she’s equally (much more) capable as I am to do so, and (b) she likely has an opinion (and a strong one) on the matter, and I have zero fucks to give about such topics.

The audience is mostly female, and it makes sense that they’d play up the “men are bumbling oafs, women save the day” trope here.

But in reverse, I wouldn’t joke about how I’m in charge and the little woman better have dinner on the table by the time I get home. Namely, because my partner would stab me in the face with a pencil. I also have respect for her, so I’m not going to pretend like I’m in charge and make her look meek on national TV.

Here’s the mind-blowing, unfunny truth. Women, when you laugh at this dated trope, you’re supporting the underlying structure that makes “woman in charge” be a trope in the first place, and not just a possible alignment of how a relationship works. Does that blow your mind? It should.

BAM.  Feminism.

6. Every couple has way more money than anyone would realistically have at their age.

Okay, we’ve all seen the meme about this one. He’s a 27-year-old dog doula, and she’s a 23-year-old who carves driftwood sculptures, and their starting budget is $1.7 million, but they could go to $1.8 million for the perfect place.

Fuck you.

That’s really it. Just fuck you very much.

7. Tiny home buyers always push to get more space.

What did they think a tiny home was? It’s in the name. It’s tiny.  Going to a tiny home and then wishing it was just a little bigger is like seeking out a home in the suburbs and then wishing it was closer to town.  Which, incidentally, I’ve also seen on these shows.

I remember when “tiny houses” were referred to as “travel trailers,” but you don’t see a show called Travel Trailer Hunters.

There’s an underserved demographic just waiting for that show. You could hug it between Fox and Friends and a rerun of Duck Dynasty. Advertise for converting your paper money to gold and Life Alert.

8. Waco is paradise, apparently.

According to Chip and Jo, the little shire of Waco is a slice of heaven, where ex-fraternity and sorority members from Baylor join megachurches and have kids with names like Shepherd and Cooper and Flannel. Where everyone drives a Suburban while sipping coffee from their Yeti or RTIC tumbler. Where your Labrador retriever can frolic with your neighbor’s Labrador retriever, while you both knowingly blame Donald Trump’s struggles on Obama.

I’ve been to Waco. It reminds me of the time I had a colonoscopy: weird and unpleasant, until I was “medicated” enough to stop caring.

They are right, there are plenty of opportunities to live out your 26-year-old former Texas fraternity boy dreams. Chances are, you’ll find a couple that looks just like you, drives a Tahoe just like yours, who thinks school vouchers are the solution to our education problems just like you do. You can all chat about it at one of the 7,000 Baptist churches in town.

Oh, and if you’re looking for diversity, be warned: Jo is one of only three Asian people in Waco. Number 2 is her mother. Number 3 is a physics professor at Baylor. Everyone else is Chip.

Waco sucks. Oh, and Art Briles sucks, too. The only saving grace is that it’s where Dr Pepper was invented.


 

I know what you’re thinking: Rickey, you sure know a lot about these shows for someone who purportedly hates them. And I say to you, imaginary person: it’s like Stockholm Syndrome. Forced to watch these shows against my will, I have started to connect with them and identify with them.

I bitch and complain and make fun of them all the time. I roll my eyes when the remote lands in the wrong hands, because I know what’s coming. I just told you eight things that drive me nuts about these shows.

 

And then I find myself watching and commenting on the lack of accent color in a room they really opened up.

 

 

Pours more peppermint schnapps into Yeti tumbler and laments what he has become.

 

Quick, while you’re still a little tipsy, subscribe here on my site by clicking the “follow” button, or visit me at facebook or twitter.

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284 thoughts on “This shiplap is killing me.

  1. Pingback: Nailed it! Then caulked and painted it! | Damian's blog

    • That is literally the most exciting thing that will ever happen to you in Waco, if you factor out the ATF storming a cult compound. Don’t bring that up with Waconians, they are sensitive about David Koresh. Oh, and Baylor’s football team being 82% made up of convicted sex offenders. Those two things are ALMOST as sacrosanct as Chip and Jo. Almost.

      Like

    • Untie your man bun and relax. No one is going to force your liberal MSNBC loving, Schnapps guzzling self-righteous ego to endure the fly over terrifyng areas of America. Stay in Seattle/Portland/SanFran, and leave the inexpensive, peaceful areas of America for us to renovate at costs affordable enough when you have a job.

      Like

      • Triggered much? First off, it’s my blog and I’ll tie my man bun however I want. Second, I’m bald. Third, I’m from Texas, and I’ve lived all over this great nation. Fourth, I have a job, a good paying one…I remove gluten from bagels for millennials with gluten intolerances so severe, they can’t even say it by name. I’m constantly amazed by people getting so bent out of shape over the silliest stuff. If you can’t peruse the Internet without an article making fun of HGTV triggering you into berating someone you’ve never met, I’d suggest you try medication or therapy. No insult intended, I’m on medication and have been in and out of therapy. It helps a lot. “Flying off the handle about a humor article about shiplap” is actually in the DSM-V as a necessary symptom for diagnosing a patient presenting with suspected Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Not to be confused with Spontaneous Human Combustion, which is similar but not recognized by the DSM-V.

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  2. My favorite pet peeve of these shows is when they go to knock down that wall to open up the place they are always surprised when it ends up being a load bearing wall. What contractor worth their license can’t recognize a load bearing wall before suggesting they knock it down?

    Like

  3. LOVE this! As others have observed – you nailed it!

    [Reading some of your other entries now. Our politics are very different. And yet, weirdly not all that much. Regardless, we have some serious common ground on HGTV!]

    Like

    • Hi qwithaview! Thank you for checking out my post and peeking around the rest of the site! I doubt I’m going to change anyone’s minds about politics, nor do I really want to – I just want people to arrive at their opinions for reasons other than petty, negative, self-serving ones. If you do that and come up with a different truth than I did, more power to you and keep it up! Thanks again, check back from time to time and see what else I’ve been up to!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Are you Kim or is this a clever ruse? How can I be sure? Can you please forward your ID and Social Security Card for me to inspect to be sure I’m speaking to the REAL Kim?

        And no, I’m not from Waco. I’m from Waller, Texas, originally. Been to Waco many times. I live in Virginia now.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I have a cousin who’s a carpenter, old school. His mantra: “If it’s not wood, it’s not good.” I didn’t tell him I vinyl sided my house. Look at that picture of shiplap and guess why. With a bit of luck it will outlive me.

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    • No doubt that vinyl will live forever…unless we’re talking about vinyl records, then it’ll make sporadic comebacks as anachronistic hipsters demand that you understand that everything sounds better on dated media. Plus, wood records sound really bad. Thanks for checking out my stuff! I hope you’ll peek around and find more good stuff to read, share/follow/repost/print out and wallpaper your bedroom with. 🙂

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    • Let me educate you about shiplap. It is named after a common building technique used on boats also called ships. It is not called shiplap, it is called lapstrake also known as clinker. Now, this building technique works wonderfully and will last a lifetime as long as you do maintenance. Which is important to do such as painting or varnishing. CPES if it gets bad. Newer boats are made using glued lapstrake construction which is mahogany okoume marine plywood free of any voids and marine epoxy.

      Now, I can tell you that a boat in saltwater has to survive much harsher conditions than your house unless your house floods every few weeks. So, while your vinyl siding might last longer without maintenance, it will look like crap when you put those icicle lights up that only manage to accent your vinyl siding. Meanwhile the nice wooden lapstrake construction on your house would look lovely and if properly sourced is way better for the environment (And properly sourced doesn’t necessarily mean non-rainforest).

      Anyways if it isn’t wood, it is not good. And while those vinyl boards might come with a construction manual, the shiplap if done correctly (key word) will not only enhance the house, might actually protect it better. Because wood choices matter. Pine is not good for shiplap, Douglas fir is decent. Cedar is great. Teak is even better. But, when people decide to do lapstrake house construction (a term I hearby coin), they think that shiplap is always better and don’t realize that those cheap pine boards will rot and cause house issues. Also those people don’t really understand that shiplap is not the best if you don’t want to take care of it. It will devalue the house quickly, just like if you leave a boat open in the rain, it will slowly start to rot in the years to come without care.

      So, shiplap is better than vinyl, yet people don’t fully understand properties of wood or what “shiplap” is or what is actually required for it.

      How do I know this, because I am building a glued lapstrake boat in my man cave behind my house.
      Sorry for the rant, I like boats.

      Like

      • You lost me at “Let.” But, I am glad that there are people who understand the ins and outs of creating seaworthy vessels. I say that to myself each and every time I take a ferry, which is approximately once every five or six years. Oh, and I’m glad there are people out there fishing on my behalf, because I do enjoy tuna. Thanks for checking out my stuff! Hope you’ll peek around and see some other fun stuff to read! 🙂

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  5. The Author of this piece has invaded my own psyche and stripped it of all the things which have been stated in this post and which I sincerely believe and have learned through personal experience. On HGTV I just love it to the max when Elizabeth is handed a sledge hammer to start knocking down walls. One swing and she is done and probably broke a nail and got a blister at the same time. Then the guy takes over. It also amuses me, as it did yesterday, to watch one of these expert destructors lay into a wall and break out a fair size piece of wallboard and then carry it through 3 rooms to a dumpster and pitch it. Comes back and does it again. Not very efficient. And why no Hispanic workers doing this, the breaking and the disposing? Just unrealistic as hell and generally stirring up in me a strong urge to vomit.

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    • Don’t let the court system know, I was specifically banned from invading others’ psyches in 2014. Still…these shows are, to borrow an adjective from my former life in northern California, hella predictable, yo. Glad you enjoyed my writing, and hope you’ll subscribe and stick around to read more! I mean like more of my stuff, not just to read Good Housekeeping while your browser is open to my site.

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  6. For a heterosexual male who seems to have a feminist bent, you have a lot of sexist crap flying around. Candles? HGTV? Not putting the seat down?? Seriously, I thought those complaints went the way of the dinosaur. With all of the fantastic programming out there on TV and Netflix why for the love of all that is holy would anyone watch tiny house crap or property idiot house flippers unless they had a gun to their head, female or otherwise? Tell your girlfriend if she wants to see a real home improvement show she needs to graduate to the real deal, the original, This Old House. I can promise you you won’t see anyone pulling up shag, and as far as I remember, not one episode takes place in Waco. It is a show where you can watch a bunch of middle aged dudes struggle to take out a rusted boiler for a half an hour….Woot! It is so cool I can even get my hetero-normative husband to watch it with me, if he isn’t busy cooking us dinner or playing Smash Bros with our daughter.

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    • Listen chickenpig2…and I mean that solely as your email address and NOT as misogynistic dig…what I wrote here is called “comedy.” It’s where someone with quick wit takes a little morsel of truth and expands it to the level of absurdity to engender chuckles, guffaws, snortles, and laughs, though not necessarily in that order, from the audience. In other words, JOKES, friend. JOKES. If you liked them, good on ya! Stick around. If you didn’t, I’m sorry to inform you that unlike Netflix, there are only 2 websites available on the internet: hittingthetrifecta.com, and google. We wiped out everyone else. OH WAIT, I’m sorry, I meant to say there are 1,000,000,000,000,000 pages out there. I’d suggest you take a look at one that makes you happy if mine doesn’t do that. Life’s too short, otherwise. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go make a sandwich and put on some makeup before my girlfriend gets home.

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  7. I too am guilty of watching the majority of the shows you mentioned. The thing the bothers me the most when you see the great reveals at the end is…..WHERE ARE THE TVS???? No tv in the living room, no tv in the master bedroom, no tv in the kids room! Come on now, who doesn’t have a tv in their bedroom?? Weirdos, that’s who.

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    • Absolutely. Who the F has a house with no TV’s in it? Now to be fair, I lobbied against having a TV in the bedroom for a long time, but that’s because I have a wicked case of ADHD. The girlfriend doesn’t really like it when we’re “enjoying each other’s company” and I’m watching a rerun of Hogan’s Heroes over her shoulder. So picky, women these days. JEEZ. 🙂

      Like

      • True – ain’t technology grand? I can read the news on my watch, watch a movie on my phone, and my toilet can walk into the kitchen and cook dinner. I don’t let it, on account of the poor hygiene. But I’m still impressed.

        Like

  8. #5!!!!! clap, clap, clap. andddd, I’m a woman. Welcome to the millennium, everybody. Stop man bashing. I’m the mother of a son, and so are half of you. Raise them UP, and with that, all of your daughters by giving them credit for choosing smart husbands.

    Like

  9. I have no idea what shiplap might be (I’m assuming by the picture it has something to do with sticky-outtie boards on a wall??) but I do know awesome writing when I see it. Kudos on your blog, sir. I’m sharing the hell out of it!

    Like

    • Thank you so much! I’m glad you enjoyed it. I’m not sure what shiplap is, and there seems to be a lot of angst among the HGTV viewing demographic with regard to this topic. It is siding of some sort. What IS important is that if you say it over and over with your eyes closed, Joanna Gaines will appear in your mirror for a split second. Then you’ll giggle and run back to your room. Just be super-quiet so as to not wake up your parents, or this will be the last slumber party you’ll ever have, missy.

      Like

    • Check a few posts up… Someone wrote a dissertation on the merits of shiplap, while avoiding the topic of cost.

      Just know to shiplap your house in teak might mean a little OT as a dog doula.

      Great read, sir!

      Like

  10. I don’t know… That brunette from Waco has a wicked misandry streak when it comes to how she treats her husband and son. Watch how she treats her daughter. It’s not because she’s a stern tiger mom. She truly doesn’t trust the men in her life. I know this because my Realtor wife likes to watch these shows to see what industry trends she should be aware of. You know like how the fry cook at Denny’s watches Top Chef to keep abreast of his industry.

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  11. Regarding hardwood floors under EVERYTHING… In the 80s I bought a home built in the 60s where the clever owners had put vinyl stickum tiles over the oak hardwood floors in the entry. (And two tone shag carpeting over the rest – one shade was red/orange, and the other was green brown.) My patient husband spent several weekends with a heat gun prying those crappy tiles off the wood floors.

    Like

    • That’s freaking awful, Kate. Why would anyone do that? Probably the same reason people get tattoos of clothing brands. I saw a guy at the gym a few years back with an “Obey” clothing brand tattoo on his arm. Like prominently so. I remember thinking, 20 years hence, that would be like having a giant “Jordache” tattoo on your arm while you’re trying to get your client to upgrade to the better State Farm policy.

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  12. So, my wife finds your blog and starts reading Shiplap out loud while we’re in the car. She’s laughing so hard she nearly wets herself, and I (who is driving) wonder what’s happening to her. Once she gets herself together, she reads it through, and now I’m laughing so hard I’m almost off into the ditch.

    That very same night, we decide to watch a “House Hunters” episode and I swear to God this is true: The woman, age 27 or something, says she’s a FULL TIME fashion blogger and needs lots of room for all her fashions. Full time, mind you, in contrast to part time or – what – sporadic? He (saying it somewhat sheepishly) is, “a Brand Ambassador for a spirits company.” A WHAT? I had to Google it, it sounded so stupid and made up. It wasn’t. “Hiring Brand Ambassadors now! No experience necessary.” Their budget for an Orange County, CA, 3/2 detached with bonus room? $575,000.

    At this point we had to change the sheets because we’d pee’d our bed.

    Like

    • Keith – thank you so much! There’s no higher praise than inducing public urination. I’m really glad you guys liked my stuff, and hope you’ll look around and find more good stuff. And as for the brand ambassador, if someone says “Smirnoff” often enough, will they give that person free vodka? Asking for a friend.

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  13. A friend just found this on Facebook and forwarded it to me. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time! Seriously, you are saying just about every single thing that I have said about these shows. The other question: How can you not look in a basement and see that you have DUCT WORK traveling up a wall. Same thing goes for any kind of plumbing. The only exception would be if it is a finished basement. Or you had your electrician in who said that the WHOLE HOUSE needs a rewire. You tell the homeowners that it’s figured into the renovation budget. Then you go back and tell the homeowners, “It’s worse than we thought. We need more money.” If the WHOLE HOUSE needed a rewire, why wouldn’t you figure in any light socket, plug, etc. Why would you not know from the jump that the house needs an upgraded panel? Gee, it’s 2017 and we have eleventy billion objects that run off of electric. Yet a fuse box from 1950 should work? RIIIGHT.

    My favorite one hands down: What is the deal with smashing the hell out of every kitchen cabinet? Those cabinets cannot be dropped at Habitat for Humanity? They cannot be repurposed? And all this mid-century modern stuff. EVERY SINGLE PERSON likes mid-mod? Are you kidding?! The homeowners don’t have any decent furniture that will come into the house? Won’t fit in with the “design aesthetic”? Do you throw out every furniture item you own when YOU MOVE?

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  14. Pingback: 5 ingenious ways to eliminate pests in your neighborhood. | Hitting the Trifecta

  15. If it hasn’t been pointed out before, let me weigh in on another typical issue that comes up in just about every single one of these “new home” or “remodeling” shows. It seems that every single kid who will be living in one of these places is a moron. Parents are always fretting, “The children will fall to their deaths from the mezzanine above the living room!” or “Have you seen how heavy the traffic is in front of the house? The kids will be hit by a car!” (even though there is a 5 foot wall separating the lawn from the street) And heaven forbid there’s a swimming pool that the kiddos might enjoy. That’s the ultimate deathtrap for them.
    Kids aren’t stupid. They do stupid stuff and hurt themselves, but so do adults.
    If these people can’t let go of their kids long enough so that they can just be kids, maybe they should have raised chickens. At least chickens you can eat.

    Like

    • They also each seem to require their own private wing of the home, too. They’re the KIDS – they can SHARE a damn room! Bonus – then when your slutty teenage daughter brings her 34-year-old biker boyfriend up to her room to “study,” you send the other kid up to the room to keep her STD-free.
      Plus, then there can be more options in the house for the necessary office that the doula and sculptor clearly need, and the 7 guest rooms they also require. (Seriously, does the “entertaining” never end??)

      Like

  16. My favorite are the people on House Hunters International that:
    1. Complain that every house they see is different than an American home.
    2. Want an open concept plan for entertaining, even though they are moving to a foreign country where they don’t even speak the language, and have no friends. How many parties are they going to have?

    Also, just once, I want the agent to look at the couple and ask, “Do you have any idea what clean lines even means?”

    Great to see an old school blog getting comments!

    Like

    • Agreed; washing machines are a particular bone of contention. In France, Italy and Scandinavia they’re frequently in a bathroom. In England they pop up in kitchens. In Asia, many times they’re on an exterior balcony. US-style utility rooms are exceedingly unusual.

      As for open plan kitchens, the clients frequently demonstrate a profound lack of understanding of local culture. In some places, especially where labor is cheap, it is common for middle class families to have a cook or housekeeper. Therefore you would NOT want to see into the kitchen!

      And there isn’t enough room to write about the gross misconceptions people have about building styles, nor why it’s ridiculous to be looking for a Cape Cod saltbox in Catalina, much less in Capetown.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. I’m from Waco and this is incredibly funny. We do get our feathers ruffled when folks talk down about what a boring, crazy, crime infested town we live in. But the rush hour is 5 minutes any day of the week. And there are a couple of things to do besides get caught up in the shiplap frenzy that won’t last our lifetimes. We look forward to those days…

    Like

  18. I bought a tiny house for my hunt club in N.C. a year ago – an old 24 ft. 5th wheel camper with a hole in the roof. It was $100 and came with a new a.c. unit slapped into a hole cut in the side. I ripped all the extraneous shit off the roof, covered the holes with plywood and slapped a roof on top made from tin off an old barn. With a 8×8 deck and some carpet squares I’ve put about $700 in my tiny house that some system could probably sell for $50,000. When do I get to be on TV? Oh, and I have a candle to cover up the smell of sweat and Stouffers meals.

    Like

    • Thank you for reading my stuff, Mary! Much appreciated. Seems like everyone sees a little truth in it, even though some get pretty feisty about it. I’m glad you liked it! Hope you’ll peek around and read some more of my stuff. Some of it is good. Some of it is pretty dumb. But all of it is better than reading random pamphlets people on the street hand you, so there’s that.

      Like

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  20. I think it is fairly safe to say more than 12 people have read this. After sharing it publicly on FB, I had some TOTALLY RANDOM person take personal offense to the Waco characterization—-after viewing his profile, I can see why—–the shoe completely fits.

    Like

    • I should put a trigger warning on it: do not read this if you are offended by things that are true about yourself. Poor guy, life is hard if you’re a Waco-naut. Ever since the ATF burned down their finest cult compound, they take everything personally. Sad! Anyway, thank you for reading my stuff, I hope you’ll peek around and find some more good stuff to read here! 🙂

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  21. Pingback: Right On Target: 3 Things I Won’t Miss About Your Favorite Store. | Hitting the Trifecta

    • I don’t know how I cook with out a proper backsplash. Mine is just drywall, and I think about hitting it with a sledge hammer often. I don’t think my landlord or neighbors would like that very much, though.

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  22. You sir,are hilarious! I have to confess to watching all these shows,if only to yell sarcastic comments…and some advice at the tv. It keeps me sane.

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    • Thank you so much! I really appreciate it, and I’m glad you’re enjoying my work. Hope you’ll peek around and see some of my other posts, too. Some of them are good! Some aren’t. Just trying to be as fully transparent with you here. 🙂

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  23. Pingback: The 5 Servers You’ll Meet In Heaven Or Chili’s, Whichever Has A Shorter Wait. | Hitting the Trifecta

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