People aren’t supporting Donald Trump because of the reasons they give.
They tell us that they appreciate how he tells it like it is (just like drunk Uncle Billy at Thanksgiving dinner, who is a limitless font of familial harmony).
They say he’s a breath of fresh air after eight awful years under Obama (back when a Muslim from Kenya imposed Sharia law on us while seizing our guns and physically shifting the White House off of its foundation so it could face Mecca. Thank God that’s over, that burka was getting hot, am I right?).
They’re happy that he nominated a conservative to the Supreme Court (just like that one time when I stopped being the human embodiment of the Tasmanian Devil for one hour and cleaned the kitchen of my own accord…sure, babe, it was two years ago, but ‘member when I did that?).
They’re ecstatic that he is pulling the U.S. out of the Paris Climate Accord (*bails rising seawater out of living room).
They’re thrilled we “finally have a Christian in the White House.” (Just ask any Two Corinthians you meet, they’ll vouch for him).
They’ll tout that he’s tough on immigration (warning: unless they’re telling you that from a reservation, be skeptical on their understanding of this one).
He protects our homeland from would-be invading radical Islamic terrorists (which does not include Saudis, who only funded an attack on us that one time…well, four times if you’re counting each plane. But it was only on one day. Stop splitting hairs, or the terrorists win).
He doesn’t bow to Europe or Emmanuel Macron (though he may pop a tic-tac and try to grab Manny’s wife by the…hand and shake it for an awkward length of time).
He represents Pittsburgh, not Paris (neither of which voted for him).
He’s working hard to free us from the shackles of Obamacare (freeing up valuable dollars for scratchers and Keystone Light).
You know, I’m just going to throw the bullshit flag. Everyone who says this stuff is hereby penalized 15 metres. Yep, I penalized you in metres because I’m a liberal coastal elite who hates apple pie and your grandma. My grandma’s awesome, so it’s not blanket disdain for grandmas. That would be ageist and sexist, and that kind of rhetoric would get me kicked out of the artisanal kim chi section at Whole Foods. I need my naturally occurring probiotics, so that’s a risk I’m not willing to take.
They’re telling you policy reasons because they don’t want to tell you the real reason. Hell, they might not even understand the real reason, given their general lack of introspect.
They’re telling you all of this because they don’t want you to know that they support him because he’s a major dick, and they identify with him because of it.
Yep, I said it. They didn’t read the Economist or the Wall Street Journal or the Washington Times, carefully consider all of the relative policy issues, and arrive at the conclusion that Donald Trump is the best leader for our capitalist, representative democracy. They don’t sell those periodicals at the Piggly Wiggly. And what the hell is a periodical? God damn liberal, why you gotta use big words all the time. Fuckin’ nerd. *spits tobacco on the ground.
They didn’t study these matters in school for years and years and arrive at conclusions supportive of Donnie’s policies. Namely because the price of education has skyrocketed…probably because of welfare or the gays or something. All I know is we didn’t have these problems back when you could pray in school.
They love him because there’s something familiar about him. There’s something reassuring in his tone and style. He reminds them of themselves. You know, except for the inherited wealth, multiple bankruptcies, Manhattan address, gold plated everything, and Slovenian model wife.
But when he talks about a complete and total shutdown of Muslims coming into the country until we can figure out what the hell is going on, it assures them their suspicion of brown people is a valid, intelligent viewpoint. It doesn’t matter that it’s politically incorrect. It proves that it’s the smart way to view the world, because the leader of the free world feels that way, too.
In other words, when he’s a racist, xenophobic (that means “fear of strangers”) dick, you like him because you are a racist, xenophobic dick, too.
Now you can tell me, “Wait, just because I want to look past the bleeding heart viewpoint that would let anyone and everyone into our country doesn’t mean I’m a racist or that other word you said.”
But yeah, it kind of does, Buford. Your name is Buford, right?
Listen Buford, politicians can’t come right out and say “I hate brown people.” Unless they are in Mississippi. But they can “dog whistle.” Just like a dog whistle, they say things that the average voter can’t hear. The intended recipient, however, is attuned to certain phrases and words such that the message is received loud and clear.
He wasn’t saying “radical Islamic terrorist” and “total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the country” because he thinks it’s the right thing to do. It doesn’t matter if it is. He said it because, while a deep thinker might question the legitimacy such a blanket statement, he knew you would think it was a brilliant, anti-establishment flash of genius. Because you’re a predictable, racist, xenophobic dick, Buford.
It was fine when he made fun of a disabled reporter, publicly denigrated Megan Kelly and her menstrual cycle, grabbed women by the pussies, and called everyone on the campaign trail childish names. It was totally kosher (that’s one of them there Jew words we East Coasters use that means, colloquially, “acceptable”) because you and the rest of his base are playground bullies.
The problem with America, in your mind, is that we don’t teach our kids to stand up and fight each other anymore. Hell, if someone had tried to bully me, I would have just kicked their ass after school. Unlike liberals, you understand that violence solves so many more problems than it creates, and you’re teaching your children the same. What this world needs is more assholes, and you’re doing your part to model what that looks like for your kids. Now go make me a sammich, woman, don’t make me tell you again!
No, the real problem surely can’t be that you’re a pre-evolutionary knuckle dragger whose dead weight slows down the country’s progress toward the cosmos.
But when you see the would-be leader of the free world not giving a shit about “saying the right thing” or “being a good person,” it resonates with you. When he’s an asshole, it pisses nice people off. That makes us want to take action, such as writing blog posts or voting for someone else.
But when you see his assholishness, it makes you want to jump in and pummel whoever he’s bullying. Your pre-evolutionary, lack of introspect-having, reptile brain tells you to pile on, so you pile on. You cheer him on, because he’s one of you. Go Assholes Go!
I could go on and on. He does something every day that insults the honor of his office. But as long as his base is a group of non-ideological, reactionary people, he’s golden.
The more racist his policies, the higher the racists’ love for him grows.
The more misogynistic he becomes, the deeper the chauvinists’ support for him is.
We can challenge it, we can try to persuade people, we can write and protest and rally and pray and watch Rachel Maddow until we’re bluer in the face than we already were.
But the truth is, the more of a unrelenting dick he is, the stronger his lock on the dick vote becomes.
Need more articles like this in your life? Click here to sign up for emails from my mom’s favorite blogger!