Ants! Man, what an absolute nuisance ants can be these days. They just don’t seem to know their place in the ecosystem anymore, like they did back when America was Great, before we needed to Make it Great Again.
If you live where they are, there’s just no way around them. They annoy you. They cause you discomfort. They’ve been known to form a line and work together to steal your picnic basket.
They’re a ton of fun to watch through a piece of glass when there’s no danger they’ll harm you. Ants are insanely strong and fast, and many are rather violent toward one another. As amazing as they are to watch when they work/play, they’re not who you want hanging out after dark in your quiet, suburban neighborhood.
Sure, they have a right to exist, but you have a right to a life free of things that make you slightly uncomfortable. That’s the American way, and if you don’t like it, you can go back to France, you pussy.
Fortunately, there’s more than one way to handle a situation like this. In fact, there are exactly five ways, according to the line I’m about to type.
Five ways to get rid of ants that you probably hadn’t thought of:
1. Yell at them.
Creating a hostile environment for the ants is a good first step.
No one likes to be screamed at, and that includes ants. Go outside and tell them how you feel. Don’t hold back or show decency here; these are ants. They’re not like you and don’t deserve the same respect as you do.
“Nobody wants you here, stupid ants!”
“Go back to Ant Land or wherever the hell you came from!”
“Stop stealing our jobs, you pinches hormigas!”
Combine your yelling with a picture on a picket sign of an ant getting squished if you can. The visual violence combined with crazy screams works especially well.
It’s not a quick fix by any means, but if you keep at it, and teach your kids Bella, Jayden, and Adderall to do the same, you’ll convey the message loud and clear: ants are not welcome here. And it’s solid groundwork for the rest of the methods listed here.
Pro tip: Name your daughter Bella for the best possible chance of having her share her name with 14 other girls in homeroom. This creates “herd immunity,” which is vital when your children aren’t vaccinated because of that article you read on Facebook.
2. Stop and frisk.
Statistically, ants aren’t any more likely to commit a crime than you, me, or any other species of yard insect. However, ants are significantly more likely to get caught and punished when they break the law. Use this reality to your advantage.
First, create a policing scheme that proactively stops ants and checks them for violations of the law. Check their IDs. Check for warrants. These ants usually have a rap sheet, or so you’ve learned from watching COPS. Frisk them to see if they have weapons or drugs on them.
Pro tip: When you reach into their pockets while frisking, make sure you ask them, “I’m not gonna get stuck, am I?” It’s imperative that we maintain law & order here, because that show is the basis for everything I know about the criminal justice system. *chuh-chung
What’s the probable cause, you ask? LISTEN: THEY’RE ANTS. That’s probable cause enough, you fuckin’ libtard snowflake. *eats the third cronut of the morning, knowing they are bad for his sugar diabetes, but good God they’re delicious.
Bonus: If these ants give you any pushback, you can arrest them for resisting arrest. It doesn’t matter if they were actually doing anything to warrant the stop or not. There’s not a jury in the world who is going to take the ants’ side versus one of our Boys in Blue.
Pro tip: Always turn off your body cam AND dash cam before approaching the ants, just to be safe.
Do all of this correctly, and you’ll teach the ants to scatter when you come walking through, lest they find themselves on the wrong end of a taser, or worse.
3. Deport them.
There’s a specific type of ant that might be in your yard illegally from another country. It’s important that you recognize that while any ant could be an illegal alien, certain ones are easier targets when employing this strategy. You follow me?
It doesn’t matter if they’re peaceful, if they’re hard-working, if their ant babies were born here, or anything else. Laws are laws, and while no such law has ever applied to you or your family, it is imperative that you hold these ants 100% accountable for following our nation’s rules.
If they want in, they can wait their turn just like that one ant friend of yours at work did. What’s his name? Juan or Jose or Julio or something Spanish, you can’t remember, it’s not important anyway. Jayden? No, that’s your son’s name from section 1 of this article.
Wait, was it Ant-onio? Nah, that’s too obvious.
Pro tip: When in doubt of their names, call Latino people “pendejo” just like you’d call a person of your own race “chief,” “man,” or “buddy.” It means basically the same thing. Trust me. I’m a random blogger with no interest in getting you punched in the nariz.
But see?! You have ant friends! You’re not doing this because you’re anti-ant as a whole. You just want to see the laws we have on the books enforced. “There’s nothing wrong with that,” says the AM radio commentator from whom you get all of your information. Side note: have you heard that the Federal Reserve is a conspiracy foisted upon us by the Illuminati?
Just like policing, this works well if you randomly demand proof of the ants’ right to be here. Well, okay, not totally randomly. You get me? Nothing in life is black and white, okay? Sometimes it’s brown…that’s all I’m saying.
Every so often, you’ll get lucky and nab an ant who is here illegally. Other times, you’ll just create a hassle for an ant who was born here or who came here through the proper channels. Either way, you’ll get the desired effect: these ants, legal or illegal, will RUN AND HIDE when they see you coming.
Feels good to have that kind of power, doesn’t it? It’s good to be a non-ant in this country, and it’s especially nice that you didn’t have to do anything at all to earn that status. God himself made you a non-ant, and He (not “She,” you goddamned Berkeley communist, don’t even start) made them ants.
That’s just the way of the world, pendejo!
Okay, let’s pause for a sec.
Take a quick break here, you’ve earned it. Stay on the clock – you don’t need to clock out to take a break, Adderall’s mom. Ant-onio’s mom, please clock out, you’ve got exactly 15 minutes, not a minute more.
Get out your Bibles (tus Biblias) and read a few stories about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ before you launch into the rest of this article. Glance over at the picture of him on your wall…those piercing blue eyes, fair skin, light brown hair, and beard. It’s hard to believe this man, born in the Middle East so long ago, did so much for the poor and disadvantaged people of the world. What an inspiration. *sips tumbler of communion wine with pinky extended.
Anyhoo, back to getting rid of these freakin’ pests.
4. Gentrify the oldest, poorest anthills.
Millennial ants are bored with lame, suburban anthills. They want the gritty, “real” experience of living in a “rough” neighborhood. They also want to eat artisanal cornbread, grow Rollie Fingers style mustaches, and ride unicycles to fair-trade yerba mate shops, so take their opinions with a grain of salt.
But…they have a lot of money to spend. Take their money with zero grains of salt.
Pro tip: Gain millennials’ trust by wearing a scarf at all times. Especially in the summer. Add horn-rimmed glasses with no corrective lenses for added effect.
You can simultaneously push the undesirable ants out AND make a lot of cash by learning this one, simple tactic: gentrification.
First, buy up the run-down anthills in the historically underprivileged ant neighborhoods for pennies on the dollar. Watch a lot of HGTV and get your flippin’ hammers ready for Demo Day! Renovate. Have a Big Reveal. Use verbs as nouns for some reason. Rent the new places out for 4-5x what the neighborhood would otherwise demand.
Do it again and again. As the neighborhood becomes more “desirable,” watch as the rents rise to levels the original ant inhabitants can’t afford. Resale prices will rise to levels that drive the old landlords to sell. Push everyone out. Renovate. Rent those upgraded places to underemployed barista/poet/microgreen farmers for 5-6x the original rent.
Or, better yet, rent to young professionals that look like a cross between Jared Kushner and another guy that looks exactly like Jared Kushner, but whiter. Charge 9-10x the original rent.
Pro tip: Millennials don’t necessarily need jobs in order to have adequate financial stability to rent from you. Don’t turn them away so fast. Just double-check their name: remember, the more Eurocentric the name, the more likely their dad is an investment banker supporting their burgeoning indigenous pottery career.
Some people will complain about the “lack of charm” in the new, slick, minimalist, industrial “midtown” project. Don’t worry, what your new neighborhood lacks in charm (and undesirable tenants), it makes up for in Lululemon, 2 SoulCycles, and a mega Whole Foods. *sips organic kale/lotus flower cold-pressed juice while adjusting $150 yoga pants.
5. Introduce crack and mandatory minimum sentencing.
You might need help with this one. Kids, always ask an adult before you start cooking cocaine and baking soda together in the kitchen. Safety is fun! #themoreyouknow
Just like most issues you’ll deal with in life, there’s nothing more effective than cheap, highly addictive, illegal drugs. And no, that’s not an Amy Winehouse quote, you sickos. Where do you come up with this crap, honestly?
To be effective, this particular drug needs to be inexpensive for the end-user. Done right, it’ll flood the streets in the neighborhoods where ants tend to live. Every ant will either use it or know someone who does.
Pro tip: Don’t be afraid to distribute crack for free at first. If you’ve ever seen a PSA in the ‘80’s, you’ll understand. Drugs are offered to teens outside of the basketball court every single day, for free, for the sole purpose of getting them hooked. Jump on that bandwagon and build your sales funnel, bro!
Scare the public into thinking this new drug is 100x worse than anything we’ve ever seen before. Show pictures of rough-looking ants with crazed looks in their eyes, screaming incoherent nonsense as they’re getting arrested.
Jack the sentences for possession through the roof. Better yet, legislate away the judges’ power of discretion, and impose obscenely long mandatory minimum sentences for possession. Like 5-20 years long. That’s like a millennium in ant years, according to Ant Longevity Journal Quarterly, an academic journal I just made up.
Altogether, you wind up with a targeted elimination plan that has very little collateral damage to you or the people you care about. Well, it derails ant society for years and years to come, but that’s kind of the point, isn’t it?
So that’s it. Done right, you can weave ant-suppression into the fabric of society. Institutionalizing the methods of keeping ants as a permanent subclass is so much more palatable than having to go out and squash them and their anthills yourself. Sure, it’s a lot of work, but if you keep at it for several generations, it eventually just becomes automatic.
And, as a bonus: you don’t have to actually do any of this. You just need to support it happening. Others can do it, and you’ll get all of the benefits without feeling like a jerk for doing blatantly mean things. It’s a win-win.
You’ll get what you wanted AND you’ll get to sleep well at night knowing you never took action against a single ant.
You did it! Take a bow, pendejo!
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