America, we’re in a full-fledged public health crisis. We skipped straight past partial fledging on this one. One out of every three people in the US suffers from obesity, and another third of us is overweight.

The final third is made up of people who’ve clearly never tried Costco pizza. That stuff is ridiculously tasty, friends. And only $9.99? Unfettered access to that kind of deal is surely worth the membership fee, cutthroat parking situation, unexplained crowd on a Tuesday at 6 pm, and impending gastric bypass you’ll need from a steady diet of Costco pizza.

By the way, did you know you can purchase gastric bypass surgery through Costco.com? That’s the kind of peace of mind you have come to expect in a country without accessible or affordable health care. (Cue a bald eagle screeching as it flies over the Gateway Arch. Just then, an eighteen-wheeler breaks the horizon, blaring “God Bless The USA” by Lee Greenwood. It ignores the fact that it’s driving through a national park for some reason and passes directly under the Arch. Smokey might or might not be on its tail, hard to say from this vantage point).

We are so very blessed that America hasn’t run out of mobility scooters yet. What’s a mobility scooter, you ask? It’s like a wheelchair. A wheelchair for people who aren’t necessarily “disabled” per se, but who always wished they could ride a really slow motorcycle through Walmart. These folks prefer to be called “differently abled,” namely because they are completely able-bodied but identify as a person who is entitled to motorized transportation through a discount store. There but for the grace of God go all of us.

On a related note, have you or someone you love been injured or killed by a negligent eighteen-wheeler in a national park? You may be entitled to financial compensation. Don’t be fooled by a fast-talking insurance lawyer, call a different fast-talking lawyer and GET THE CASH YOU DESERVE. The best defense against a bad guy with a fast-talking lawyer is a good guy with a fast-talking lawyer.

On that note’s distant second cousin: if you have been killed by a negligent eighteen-wheeler in a national park, I’d like to take a moment to thank you for reading my blog from the afterlife. I can only imagine the options you have available, from haunting former rivals to playing foursquare with Jesus, Joseph Smith and L. Ron Hubbard. The fact that you are taking time to read my blog is an honor I can’t put into words, which is rare because “putting abstract concepts into words” is essentially the essence of “writing.”

Friends, we need a cure for this epidemic. Which epidemic? The obesity one. I can’t blame you for forgetting, given the fact that I’ve gone down several literary rabbit trails. Plus, there’s a strong causal link between poor diet and memory loss. By the way, did you know that Costco pizza is only $9.99? Crazy, I know.

I’ve researched several means of improving the health and well-being of Americans, and I’d like to share the best ones with you here. In this context, “researched” means “completely made up,” so please keep that in mind when consulting me for health advice.  I am sincere even when I am mistaken.  And nobody fakes sincerity better than me.  Nobody.

1. Paleo

Want to get fit? Go paleo! “Paleo” comes from the “Paleolithic era,” and the general idea is that if you want to be in good shape, you have to eat like our ancient ancestors who mostly died of things like “scurvy” or “lion related injuries” at age 45 did. Obesity wasn’t a widespread problem when predators routinely ate the slowest person in every group.

What can you eat? Nuts, berries, ocelots, woolly mammoths, lesser-developed humanoid primates, and “quinoa,” which is Inca for “tiny pellets of sadness.”

Being paleo means you can essentially eat like an omnivorous animal would eat, like a bear, a raccoon, or a dog. My dog Lemmy eats garbage he finds in the street, so that’s in play. I’d assume if you could catch a bird, you could eat that. Just no bread. And no, I’m not going to make a joke about dogs eating poop. Jeez, what do you think I am, a child? No, ma’am. I am an adult, and I am not going to debase my blog by intimating that poop is acceptable in the paleo diet.

Side effects of going paleo are minimal but include missing out on tacos, sandwiches, beer, and other things that make this mortal life bearable. You can counteract these things by spending 1-2 minutes on Facebook daily, where you’ll automatically be shown videos about “how to make a taco shell out of cheese,” or “how to substitute pickles for bread on your sandwich,” or “how to avoid sobbing uncontrollably in the self-checkout line when your self worth is shattered because you missed your Orange Theory class to come to Safeway to buy Franzia and Chunky Monkey.” TASTY.

2. Intermittent Fasting

Technically, you’re already intermittently fasting. That is, unless you are Jabba the Hutt, who lies down eating pickled frog-like creatures all day. And if you are Jabba the Hutt, allow me to say Ban gon wan she co, cah, Solo.

The premise of intermittent fasting is that you can avoid obesity by only eating within a certain 8-hour period each day. Celebrities that have had success with this style of eating include Terry Crews and the anaconda from the movie Anaconda.

Eating all of your meals within an 8-hour frame takes planning, but it can be done with a little creativity. Instead of eating breakfast when you wake up at 6 am, try sleeping until 12 pm. When you’re hungry but it’s not time to eat, distract yourself by watching Anaconda. Jon Voight, Jennifer Lopez, and Ice Cube in the same movie? It’s so ahead of its time that food will be the farthest thing from your mind.

Running out of time on your window, but know you can’t eat for 16 hours after this? Take a page from the paleo book! Skip the pasta, and eat something you find in the street instead, like wet garbage or a maybe a common grey squirrel.

If you’re lucky, you’ll not only curb your hunger for the rest of the day, you might even get some instantaneous, projectile weight loss!

3. Crossfit

You can go to the gym for hours and hours, you can take steroids and HGH, you can star in Fast & Furious movies…but who has time for all of that? Besides the cast of Fast & Furious movies, I mean.

What if I told you there’s a way to gain functional strength and join a cult in just 20 minutes a day?

Welcome to Crossfit. It’s designed to help the average person get seriously injured at a faster pace than any workout program ever designed. Here’s how it works:

First, look up the WOD. That’s the Workout of the Day. It’ll tell you something along the lines of “Deadlift 20x, run 0.25 miles, lament inability to just enjoy booze like a normal person, repeat 5x for time.” Sometimes the WOD is easy. Other times, it’s so difficult, you’ll want to shoot your WOD.

I’m sorry, that was a cheap joke, and according to my mother, I’m better than that.

Each day, the WOD is the same for every Crossfitter in the world, but it changes daily to ensure muscle confusion. “Muscle confusion” is, as it turns out, what they used to call “Parkinson’s disease,” before they figured out why grandpa had the shakes. And you thought he was just an alcoholic?! Don’t you feel shitty about yourself now? You should, you judgmental paleo bastard.

Incidentally, he was an alcoholic, too. But that was brought on by the stress of dealing with Parkinson’s disease and his judgy grandchildren, so cut him some slack, okay?

Done correctly and consistently, Crossfit will help you battle the slide toward obesity, “get dem gainz,” and make a lot of new friends who will probably sell you Plexus if you show any signs of weakness. Do NOT show signs of weakness. Catch and eat a bird or a rodent or something (just remember, no bread!) right in front of them to assert your dominance, or risk being outcast by the pride and left to wander the harsh savannah that is Midtown.

Bottom line:

Obesity in America didn’t get here overnight, and it won’t go away overnight either, namely because you keep making excuses instead of recognizing that you are NOT okay the way you are. There’s an entire industry depending on you making that realization.

Fortunately, there’s another industry relying on you NOT making that realization. Someday, maybe when you retire, either choice you make will catch up with you. It’s up to you. Do you want to enjoy your golden years?

By the way, did you know that “financial compensation from an injury by a negligent eighteen-wheeler” is the most common retirement plan for Americans? God bless America. And Costco.

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Want to read some more of my stuff now? Here’s a good one: 6 Frequently Asked Questions For You Buncha Snowflake Libruls. Or maybe you’ll prefer this one: 3 Things I Won’t Miss About Target.