What Would Mattress Mack Do?

Joel Osteen, pastor of Lakewood Church in Houston, seems to have gotten caught on the wrong side of Hurricane Harvey.

For those of you who aren’t in tune with the goings on of Pastor Joel, let me give you the quick catch-up.

Joel Osteen is the son of John Osteen, a Texas televangelist and founder of Lakewood Church. When John died, his son Joel took over as the church’s leader. In the eighteen years since John’s death, Lakewood Church has grown tremendously in scope, bringing Joel fame and fortune along the way. Continue reading

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3 Lessons From My Constant News Consumption

If you’re like me, you’ve been watching a lot of news lately. No one can really blame us. The proverbial shit has been hitting the proverbial fan.1

In the last few weeks, we’ve had a racially motivated riot in Charlottesville, Virginia, and a presidential mishandling of the same. And then poor Robert Lee got pulled off of broadcasting the Virginia Cavaliers home opener for fear we’d confuse him for a Civil War general.

To quote the late general, “What, I say, what in taahnation?!” I assume he said that at some point. He’d also likely point the stunning absence of Asian Civil War leaders’ statues in Charlottesville as a good indication that ESPN could have taken a gamble on this one. Continue reading

6 Frequently Asked Questions For “You Buncha Snowflake Libruls.”

America is a country of extremes. The flat expanse of the Great Plains gives way to the purple mountains’ majesty of the Rockies. Farmers, hedge fund managers, teachers, and factory workers all cheer for the same team of millionaires giving each other concussions. We’ve got the bet-it-all-on-black insanity of Las Vegas, and the hey-isn’t-that-that-one-guy-who-was-kinda-famous-in-1982 insanity of Branson, Missouri.

When it comes to politics, we’re no less extreme. And when it comes to lazy transitions, “when it comes to” is my favorite. Continue reading

General Obvious Denial & Major Disingenuous Pivot, CSA.

The Civil War was a pivotal moment in our nation’s history, and should not be forgotten. But it’s not the only pivotal moment. I’d like to suggest some other pivotal moments to which we should erect statues honoring the participants, lest we forget.

We should erect a statue honoring Senator Joseph McCarthy in front of the Capitol, so we remember there was a time Communists were everywhere, trying to infiltrate our society. Sure, he ruined people’s lives for political gain. But it’s an important part of our history that, quite frankly, I’m surprised we still remember, given the utter lack of statuary. Continue reading

Your Kid Will Be The Valedictorian (If You Homeschool Them).

Trigger warning: if you are homeschooling your child, you probably won’t like this article, because I’m about to make fun of you and your child. Please skip it, and go read something else. You’ve been warned.


For generations, “school” was the place where you sent your kids to get book learnin’. As a society, we decided back in 1892 or 1761 or something—I don’t know, I didn’t pay attention in history class—that we would benefit from having a literate populace that could count higher than the number of fingers they had. This became especially important during the Industrial Revolution, as people started losing fingers at never-before-seen rates. Continue reading

“Does This Swastika Clash With My Yarmulke?” – The Jared Kushner Story

Money and power don’t matter as much to me as they matter to others. They still matter, don’t get me wrong. But I’m pretty unlikely to make a major life decision based primarily on money or power. I am not going to take a job I don’t want to do just because it pays really well or gives me influence.

I am less rash than I was when I was young. When I was a younger man, I would not hesitate to invoke the sacred words of the Most Reverend Doctor Johnny Paycheck, “Take This Job And Shove It.” To be fair, I’ve worked for numerous line bosses who got themselves a brand new flat top haircut who really thought they were cool.1 But as I’ve aged, I’ve realized that silly habits like “eating” and “not being homeless” are worth a little bit of sticking through a bad situation at work. Continue reading

If At First You Don’t Succeed, Join The Alt-Right.

White supremacists believe that white people are genetically and culturally superior to all other races.

For such a superior bunch, they seem to have ZERO cognitive dissonance in blaming others for their struggles.

Think about it:  If Usain Bolt was running against some painfully slow dude, e.g., the author of this article, it wouldn’t matter what “obstacles” I put in his way. I could give myself a 50-meter head start on the 100-meter dash, and he’d still beat me. I could put hurdles throughout, and he’d still whip me. He could have actual swine flu and outrun my porcine frame. Continue reading

I Wish I Could Say I Did Nazi This Coming.

Back in January, I wrote an article pleading with conservatives to draw a pre-emptive red line.  I asked them to conduct a thought experiment:  what could Donald Trump do that would be so bad, it would cost him your support?

TL;DR: Your political support of someone should not be unconditional. In fact, you should support ideals, and you should vote for the person who most closely embodies those ideals.  Support for a leader irrespective of his actions means you are not an ideological conservative. Rather, you are in cult of personality. Continue reading

The 5 Servers You’ll Meet In Heaven Or Chili’s, Whichever Has A Shorter Wait.

Recently, I told you about the five types of annoying customers that come to my restaurant. If you haven’t read those posts, you can read them here. Do it later (or not), as it’s not necessary for understanding this post.

As a customer, you endure the nonsense of other patrons when they are being inconsiderate. But that’s short-lived and rarely (if ever) affects your food or your service.  It’s annoying when someone takes 12 minutes to search through her duffel purse for a debit card, or lets his feral child run around the dining room.  It’s annoying, but nothing more.  I can handle being annoyed.  I’m going to eat my meal and leave.

What about when it’s the employees who are making your experience worse than it should be? Continue reading

It All Boils Down To This.

America is the most powerful nation in the world, by just about any measure.

We have an enormous military budget, bases and warships strategically scattered all over the globe, the most sophisticated weaponry, and diplomatic ties to allies that exponentially multiply our reach. We have the world’s largest economy, accounting for a full quarter of the entire world’s GDP, with only 4.4% of the world’s population.

Through humanitarian aid, we’ve saved millions of lives around the world. We’ve educated, fed, and healed people. Many other countries thrive because we helped them up, and now we’re standing there with a big stick right behind them. Continue reading