The White House is a “dump,” according to real estate developer, television game show host, WWE Hall of Famer, and 45th President of the United States, Donald J. Trump.
Mr. Trump made these remarks to a group of people at one of his luxurious golf resorts. The statement was made in reference to his frequent travels to Mar-a-Lago and other Trump-owned properties. Paraphrased, he prefers to spend time at Trump properties because they’re so much nicer than the People’s House.
In the six months since he tricked illiterate hill folk and bitter old white people into voting for him, Trump has visited Trump-owned properties approximately 5,714 times, give or take.
According to “Presidential Bathroom Habits,” a biweekly report published by the Office of Management and Budget, the only place he has visited more is his executive toilet in the White House. That is understandable, because it is his preferred throne from which to tweet edicts to his followers.
Folks, laugh all you want, but no president has ever had a more direct line to Russian bots and your angry dad, who signed up for “the Tweeter” back in October 2016 and now has 18 followers, 16 of which are also Russian bots.
It’s easy to understand why a man like Donald Trump would see a 132-room, 35-bathroom, 55,000 square foot, marble and granite palace as a dump. For years, Mr. Trump has lived in the kind of gold plated luxury usually reserved for weapons traffickers and first generation Middle Eastern neighbors.
The name “Trump” has become synonymous with luxury, class, and irony. His “dictator from an Arab country” sensibility, combined with his in-your-face angry New Yorker charm, goes a long way toward connecting with Joe Everyman in the flyover states.
Truly, nothing says, “I relate to you and your struggles to pay for trips down to the Golden Corral and your daughter’s synchronized barrel roping lessons,” quite like being the human embodiment of a cross between the Bellagio and Scrooge McDuck.
When you’ve spent 71 years living the good life as a self-made man (who started with his dad’s money and then accumulated more and more through failing to pay his contractors and declaring bankruptcy over and over again), you start to become accustomed to only the finest accommodations. Gold plated everything. Statues of lions. Children who brown people raise for you. Marble floors. A Slovenian model to replace a American model who replaced a Czech model. Weekly squash games with fellow WWE Hall of Famers Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase and Big Boss Man. Buttresses. Columns, both Doric and Ionic. Pillars, not to be confused with columns. Giant planters.
The White House can’t even begin to compare. Do you know how many statues of lions there are in the White House? Me either, but I assume it is less than the average number of lion statues at a luxurious Trump property. Sad!
Not surprisingly, the average American is empathetic to the President’s plight. Ask your dad to turn down Fox News for a second and ask him what he thinks. Ask louder, he can’t hear you and the volume is pegged on 11. Also, he dozed off during Hannity’s SHOCKING exposé on how Hillary Clinton personally resurrected Vince Foster to traffic sex slaves to Comet Ping Pong in a scheme to kill Seth Rich. And get this: OBAMA KNEW ABOUT IT AND DID NOTHING.
Dad will tell you…
“it’s class warfare for the goddamned libruls to be bitchin’ and complainin’ about a man who did well for himself and his family. This is AMERICA, and that means that anyone – you, me, your cousin Rufus who came out a little different in the head on account of your aunt Glenda Lou workin’ down at the turpentine plant while she was pregnant, well, that and the OxyContin – any damn one of us can make it to the top if we want it bad enough. Of course, then they closed down the turpentine plant when the goddamned EPA came in and said all of our drinking water was 93% paint thinner. I been livin’ here since the Spanish-American War, and I say get the fuckin’ government out of our town, out of our drinkin’ water, and out of our lives!
A man like Donald Trump has EARNED the right to live in whatever accommodations he damned well wants. And the White House was built in 1492 or maybe 1493, I can’t recall. But I can’t imagine it’s all that nice, especially when you’re used to living like Gordon Fuckin’ Gekko. Everyone needs to get off the man’s back and let him work!”
Your dad would have said “when you’re used to living like you’re in a Rick Ross video,” but (a) your dad doesn’t listen to the rap music or know who that is, and (b) he doesn’t like Black people. He’s not prejudice, goddammit, he doesn’t have any problem with ‘em. He just doesn’t want to have to be forced to be around ‘em. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
But can you imagine? You’re used to living like Saddam Hussein circa 1985, and through a cruel twist of fate, you’re stuck living in public housing that has been lived in by a different, transient family every 4-8 years? And it’s comforting to know that 65 million cross-eyed hill people and angry old white dads agree: Donald Trump deserves better.
It’s simply not fair to judge a 71-year-old man on his word, actions, and inactions. And since when is America a country where we hold things that people say against them? Billy Bush and Colin Kaepernick might disagree, but this country is quick to see others’ points of view and forgive and move on.
So if Donald Trump thinks the symbol of executive power under the Constitution, the beacon of self-rule to the rest of the world, the home of John Adams, Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Roosevelt, Ronald Reagan and Barack Obama is a dump?
Why should we hold him any more accountable for that than we’ve held him for anything else he’s said or done?