I’m not a small person.
I mean physically. I am occasionally “small” in that I act like a child.
But my stature is anything but small. At 6’3”, I’m taller than 97.5% of the people in the United States. Interestingly, I’m taller than 99.2% of all people in China. This corroborates my experience at the Chinese market, where people often point up at me and exclaim, “Holy shit, that’s a tall white dude!” I can only assume that’s what they’re saying, though, because I don’t speak Mandarin.
I can tell you that airplane seats were not made for me. I once had an armrest shaped bruise in my thigh after a particularly long flight. I’ve hit my head on the frame of my car getting in and out more times than I can count. My feet hang off the end of most hotel beds. Especially when I stay in the Shire. Filthy Hobbitses with their tiny bedses!
I’m hardly a giant, but I’m also objectively taller than most people.
And I’m not a lightweight, either. I weigh around 290 lbs. Most people say they are shocked at that, because I look more like 240-250. They probably say that because I am so much bigger than them and they’re afraid of me.
At 290 lbs, I’m heftier than I used to be. I’m not in as good of shape as I once was. But I’m also relatively height-weight proportionate, at least to the extent average observers…observe me. In other words, I don’t look like a fat tub of goo, for the most part. I might feel like a fat tub of goo on occasion, but my appearance is less tub-of-goo-like than my self-image would tell me on those days.
Which brings me to the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump. Little known fact: The “J” stands for “Just one more Filet-o-Fish, please.”
Yesterday, President Trump’s doctor, Ronny Jackson, MD, FAAEM, Physician to the President and Director of the White House Medical Unit, (or “Dr. Ronnie Jackson” if he’s being impersonated in print by Sarah Huckabee Sanders) said that Mr. Trump was 6’3”, 239 pounds. Or 956 Quarter Pounders, if you prefer to use McDonald’s units versus Imperial units.
It seems that Grimace and the Fry Guys Mr. Trump and his sycophants would have us believe the Big Guy could maybe lose 10-15 pounds, but he’s otherwise in perfect health.
His suit jackets don’t button because the Deep State dry cleaning staff at the White House is shrinking them, trying to undermine the vibrant image of this American hero. He purposefully grew his belly over the years to give him a competitive advantage in his secret hobby, sumo wrestling. Did you wonder why Trump and Japanese PM Shinzo Abe got along so well? Well, now you know.
As a 6’3”, 290 pound American man who looks much fitter than the President, I’m uniquely qualified to make the following proclamation. Ahem….
There is literally no possible way that Donald Trump weighs 239 lbs. If I had to guess, I’d put it at 320 or so.
And I don’t give a rat’s ass. He could weigh 150 lbs, 400 lbs, whatever. It doesn’t matter to me. I just want him to do a good job and avoid getting us all killed. Because unlike him, I don’t judge people based on what they look like.
To me, the fact that we’re being fed a less-than-nutritious drive-thru meal of lies about literally everything is the part that keeps me up at night. Well, that and the occasional acid reflux from drive-thru meals.
I don’t really care if the inauguration crowd was a million people or 50 people. I’m much more concerned that person after person would willingly lie about such a verifiable fact.
I don’t really care if the man wants to eat McDonald’s food every day. I’m much more concerned that he does so because he has an on-call private chef, yet he irrationally fears being poisoned.
I don’t really care if he called Haiti a shithole. I’m much more concerned that he has a long, racist history and blatantly prefers European immigrants over immigrants of color.
I don’t care if he plays golf at Mar-a-Lago every weekend. I’m much more concerned that he lacks a basic understanding of immigration, health care, and other things that a weekend of light reading would fix.
But if you ask Sarah “Do These Constant Lies Make My Head Look Hucking Enormous” Sanders, he eats a well balanced diet. He’s rational. He never said whatever it is that you think he said, unless it would make him look good, then in that case he said it twice. He’s an expert on international diplomacy. He’s an expert on warfighting. He’s an expert on immigration. He’s a 7th degree black belt in Taekwondo, speaks 14 languages, and has never defecated.
If you ask Senator Tom Cotton (R – Shithole), he agrees with everything Big Head Sarah and the Monsters just said.
If you ask Senator Lindsey Graham (R – Another Shithole), he’ll make a down-home joke about what a dipshit the Commander in Chief is, but he’ll swear Donnie is a once-in-a-generation genius.
So yeah, when the Administration tells me, a 6’3”, 290 pound man that this non stop, self aggrandizing, compulsive liar weighs 50 lbs less than me, at the same height, I put it in the same category as damned near everything else the Administration tells me: