UNITED NATIONS: Kim Jong Un has been working diligently toward arming North Korea with nuclear weapons. We must do something!
UNITED STATES: Whoa, whoa…calm down. This CLEARLY isn’t about nuclear weapons.
UN: It’s not?
USA: No. [Afterschool special music starts to play.]
Every time a mass shooting happens, I chime in with my predictable spare change:
“You can’t have an Apache helicopter or an M1 Abrams tank, so why not move that sensible line to say you can’t have [insert whatever we decide on here] either?”
“Your rights end where they infringe on my rights…including my right to live through a day at school.”
“You’re afraid of tyranny, and you plan to stop its rise with a semi-automatic rifle? I’d like to introduce you to my friends, the United States Marine Corps. They’re going to calmly and efficiently kill all of you on Day 1 of the coup.” Continue reading
According to Tony Perkins, the head of the Family Research Council, Donald Trump gets a mulligan for his indiscretions with adult film star Stormy “My Parents Didn’t Name Me ‘Stormy Daniels’” Daniels.
Fun fact: that might be the first time in history a person’s nickname required both single and double quotation marks. You need to understand, I’m an innovator. That’s why they need to stop calling me Rickey “No One Calls Me ‘Innovator’” Dobbs.
Who’s “they,” you ask? Do the words, “secret society,” mean anything to you?! Get woke, friends. And shook. And other words in the wrong tense for some reason. Continue reading