UNITED NATIONS: Kim Jong Un has been working diligently toward arming North Korea with nuclear weapons. We must do something!
UNITED STATES: Whoa, whoa…calm down. This CLEARLY isn’t about nuclear weapons.
UN: It’s not?
USA: No. [Afterschool special music starts to play.]
I don’t see a man with a weapon that can kill millions of people in the blink of an eye. I see a sad, broken child who is crying out for attention. This isn’t a weapons issue. It’s a mental health issue, and it’s sad that you guys can’t see the difference.
UN: Um…right. First, did you literally bring a boombox with a tape of afterschool special music for dramatic effect? Good lord, you are so dramatic. And second, it very well may be that Mr. Kim has mental health issues. But the proximate cause of everyone in Seoul’s DEATH is going to be the NUKES HE’S WORKING ON. Shall we address that first?
USA: No, don’t fall for it. It’s a slippery slope. Take his nuclear missiles, and what’s next? Take India’s?
INDIA: Please sir, do not take ours.
USA: We won’t, buddy. We won’t. But if you start taking away one country’s sovereign right to defend itself, what’s stopping you from taking every country’s rights?
UN: Other countries aren’t threatening their neighbors. Other countries don’t have a mile-long rap sheet of human rights abuses. Other countries don’t have objectively unhinged leaders…well, a few countries do. *glares at USA.
USA: YOU’LL GET OUR NUKES WHEN YOU COME AND PRY THEM FROM OUR COLD, DEAD HANDS!
UN: What the actual fuck are you talking about? No one is coming to take your nukes, USA. We’re talking about North Korea.
USA: Sure, NOW you’re talking about North Korea. But we’re not stupid. We know you’re going to come for ours next.
UN: May I remind the USA that you’re a permanent member of the Security Council. You have a veto on everything we do. It’s like you’re written into our constitution, like the second thing we ever agreed upon. You are safe from ever having your will trampled upon. No one is going to take your nukes. We literally cannot do that.
USA: But what are we supposed to do if a bunch of thugs from some shithole country corner us in Chicago? We’re supposed to just lay down and die? THESE COLORS DON’T RUN, BABY!
UGANDA: We object to being called “shithole,” sirs.
UN: Agreed, the USA will kindly refrain from disparaging other member-states. But back to the main point, no one is going to take your nukes. And how, exactly, are a “bunch of thugs” going to corner a sovereign nation in Chicago? Is that like a thinly veiled metaphor, designed to stoke racial animus in 30% of your population?
USA: GASP! HOW DARE YOU! And it’s more like 40%, maybe even 50%. Don’t believe the fake news! Besides, when are we going to get back to talking about the real issue: mental health. Addressing nukes is like putting a band-aid on cancer. You’ve got to get down to the source of the disease!
UN: Okay, sure. A madman has access to a killing machine, but let’s ignore that for a moment. Let’s address mental health. We propose adding $40 billion to the UN budget for mental health screening and treatment.
USA: WHOA, hang on. Why the hell should WE have to pay into this? WE’RE not having mental health issues, why should OUR hard-working citizens have to support the crazy whack-a-doos in some foreign shithole, err…I mean country.
UN: Suspending disbelief that YOU do not have mental health issues…do you really not understand how this works? Everyone pays in, and we apply the funds to help those who NEED it. Everyone benefits from the baseline health of everyone else being better. If you someday need it, we apply the funds to you.
USA: Sounds communist, Comrade.
UN: I JUST DESCRIBED INSURANCE, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
USA: Listen, there’s no helping Kim, he’s a three-generation-deep sicko. But we also can’t do anything about him arming himself. Sometimes, insane world leaders are going to make terrible decisions and wipe out entire cities with their nukes. That’s just the price of freedom. Freedom isn’t free, cucks.
SOUTH KOREA: We don’t feel especially “free” with our cousin aiming nukes at our capital.
USA: Which is precisely why we need to talk about BORDER SECURITY! Build a wall! That’ll stop the rapists and drug dealers from coming in!
SOUTH KOREA: Um, you realize we are separated from North Korea by a quite famous “Demilitarized Zone,” or “DMZ,” right? And we don’t have “rapists and drug dealers” coming in – we have nuclear missiles aimed at our heads.
USA: Ooh, TMZ?! We love TMZ! Just can’t get enough gossip about the celebs over here. [Sips from oversized coffee cup.]
SOUTH KOREA: Not TMZ, you dotard. You know, we agree that every country should have the freedom to defend itself, but what about our freedom to live our lives free from the threat of nuclear annihilation?
USA: [Rolling eyes.] Okay, here we go. Some baby country, barely even a teenager in country-years, is going to lecture THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA about freedom? Are you high? We invented freedom, kids.
UNITED KINGDOM: [whispering to France] Just let them go, there’s no stopping these common hill folk once they get like this.
SOUTH KOREA: Our point of view is quite relevant, given the fact that we’re the ones suffering the threat of being vaporized by a cuckoo. Your point of view is hypothetical and philosophical at best!
USA: If it were us being bullied, we would run right past the border and kick Kim’s ass ourselves!
SOUTH KOREA: World obesity data would say otherwise. [Sips tea.]
USA: Listen, if you want to feel free, you need to arm yourself as a deterrent to Little Rocketman. The only way to stop a bad guy with a nuclear missile is a good guy with a nuclear missile.
SOUTH KOREA: First, you’re saying that massive collateral damage is preferable to prevention. Second, it’s convenient that you happen to be selling nuclear missiles, isn’t it?
USA: That’s beside the point. The point is clear: you have to protect yourself in this world, you can’t come running to the UN and the United States every time a bully picks on you. You don’t want to be picked on? Get yourself about 7,000 nuclear missiles, and aim them all at Pyongyang. That’ll shut him up.
UN: May I remind you that we’re all under a non-proliferation treaty, and South Korea cannot legally increase its nuclear arsenal.
USA: [winking at South Korea, whispering] Let’s talk about this in private.
UN: We heard that.
USA: So we’re all in agreement, right? [“God Bless America” starts playing from USA’s boombox.]
We have more money and political power than any organization in the history of mankind, but we’re unable to address this issue for several reasons.
Living in perpetual danger of being vaporized is just the cost of freedom.
The best way to counter that danger is to buy more weapons so your would-be enemies are discouraged from attacking.
If your mommy says you’re not allowed to buy more weapons, talk to us, we might know a guy. [winks at South Korea.]
We can’t address mental health, because it’s not fair for the sane people to have to pay to help the insane people.
And no one understands peace better than us, a distant country that’s been at perpetual war for 100+ years even though we’re separated from everyone else by literal oceans.
UN: I don’t think anything you just said…
USA: [Interrupting.] Well, then we’ll just veto everything and keep the status quo, screw you guys. USA! USA! USA! Come on India, join in! USA!
INDIA: [Shrugging, looking at UN.] USA! USA! USA!
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