Want to think like a conservative? The conservative game plan on many matters is to be counterintuitive and contrarian.

Gun violence? We just need more guns!

Animals going extinct? Hunting and killing them will help with that!

Israel versus Palestine conflict? HARK! We shall move the American Embassy to Jerusalem and hasten the coming apocalypse, as the prophets of yore foretold! *eyes turn red and start glowing for some reason.

I think they may just be on to something. I mean, something besides yelling, “HARK” before explaining things, which is a pretty cool idea.

We have a lot of problems in 2018, and I think many of them could be solved if we just started thinking more like conservatives.

For example, we have a problem with security clearances. Who should get access to what top-secret information? Members of the President’s family are having a hard time filling out forms, explaining blatant quid pro quo relationships, and divesting themselves of hopelessly conflicted investments. That makes it hard for the Deep State FBI to trust that foreign powers won’t use these issues to manipulate the kiddos to the detriment of American security and sovereignty.

Now, liberals immediately jump to “obvious” issues like, “This is why you don’t hire your sons, your daughter, your son-in-law, and your assistant from your real estate business to run the largest organization on the planet,” or, “This is why it’s a bad idea to elect a person with zero experience in anything other than being a petty, unclothed emperor,” or, “I hope Jared enjoys being someone’s prison wife.”

Those might make sense, but you’re not thinking like a conservative. You gotta fight fire with fire. The correct answer: just trust the President to decide who gets access to top-secret info.

That’s right – you don’t have to worry about forms or conflicts or any of that mumbo jumbo. That’s bureaucracy and red tape, and we don’t have time for those kinds of safeguards on national security. And we don’t want people abusing the process or skipping steps…everyone has to be held to the same standard.

Clearly, the best way to combat these difficulties is to toss the decision over to someone who doesn’t care about anything other than himself security clearances. If the President can just grant clearances to whomever he pleases, then “abusing the process because you’re an entitled prick” disappears. You can’t skip steps that aren’t there, and you can’t abuse a process if there simply isn’t one! It’s fair because we’re all held to the exact same standard: being presently in the good graces of Mr. Trump.

Let’s talk about another pressing issue in our modern world: investigating collusion with Russia in the 2016 election.

Liberals think that a special prosecutor is the answer. It makes sense. Let’s have the Republican-led Congress and Department of Justice appoint someone with unimpugnable ethics to investigate what happened. Give that prosecutor the resources he needs to fully dig in, lock up the bad guys who did it, and help us dissuade others from doing it again in the future. After all, if you didn’t do anything wrong, why on earth would you be against getting to the bottom of this? These Russians practically declared war on our democracy!

Stupid liberals. What do they know, anyway?

HARK! You have to think like a conservative here – counterintuitive and contrarian all the way. To get to the bottom of a scandal like this, you must ignore it and deny everything. It also can’t hurt to fire the people investigating you and threaten to fire everyone else involved.

Of course, liberals think that is a terrible plan. After all, won’t denying it ever happened, firing the FBI director, calling the Attorney General “Mr. Magoo,” and threatening to fire the new FBI director, all make you look terribly guilty?

Sure, maybe to liberals. But to the Republican base? These are the maneuvers of a skilled master negotiator, bravely standing up to left. He’s the worst nightmare of the biased, mainstream media-driven, George Soros funded, safe space seeking, HuffPo reading libtards. It’s about time someone had the balls to ignore logic, forensics, paper trails, obviousness, history, and medical advice on dietary practices, just like the base does. Fuck your “facts,” we’ll just invent our OWN facts, snowflake.

Okay, so we’ve figured out the conservative way to investigate scandals and avoid national security snafus. But what about something that affects every single one of us? No, I’m not talking about Sarah Huckabee Sanders’s eyebrows. Good guess, though. Jeez.

I’m talking about the economy, stupid. Sorry, you’re not stupid, I just feel like “stupid” flows after “the economy.” Like “play ball” after the National Anthem, or “get those sons of bitches off the field, they’re fired!” also after the National Anthem.

We have wage stagnation and a rapidly growing gap between the wealthy and the average American. Chief executives are making 300x their entry-level employees. Most Americans’ retirement plans hinge precariously upon the ever-shifting market for mint condition Beanie Babies. The 1% surprisingly owns 80% of the assets in America, including the imaginary library from which I imaginarily snagged that statistic.

Now, if you see a widening crevasse between Joe Six-Pack and the American Dream, what would you do?

Subsidize post-secondary education to increase the earning power of the average American? Underwrite low-income, no-down-payment mortgages to make homeownership easier to attain? Provide universal healthcare to avoid life-altering economic tragedies stemming from common ailments?

WRONG.

Again, you’re not thinking like a conservative. The answer isn’t to give the poor a helping hand. The answer, counterintuitively, is to heap rewards upon the already-rich!

Now, the cynics among you are going to decry the unfairness of such a scheme. You’ll point to the fact that the Republican donors all tend to be rich, and these sort of supply-side incentives benefit those donors. You’ll whine that “trickle-down economics” has never worked. You’ll scream that the only thing that ever produces sustained growth is a focus upon the mobility of the middle class.

Sure, academic research supports everything your empathetic heart suggests. But (now, remember, think like a conservative) that’s because academia is full of liberal East Coast elites who are trying to foist their Marxist globalist agenda upon us all. Duh!

As wrong as it may seem to your logic-driven noggins, giving rich people more money helps everyone! They create more minimum-wage jobs which the government subsidizes through your tax dollars. They launch huge projects financed by government bonds.

They buy expensive cars and boats that car and boat manufacturers build with employeeless, robot-filled factories in Italy and Germany. And guess who gets to fill those car and boat tanks with gas?

That’s right! Immigrants from Africa working below minimum wage. And those immigrants, in turn, spend their paltry wages at your minimum-wage job, helping you get more hours every week. But no overtime, you greedy fucks. What do you think this is, a charity?

The key is that in every situation, look for an answer that is simultaneously:

• The absolute opposite of what any rational thinker would conclude;
• Beneficial to you and your family and friends, especially at the expense of others;
• Spinnable so it convinces manipulable idiots that you’re really doing this for them.

If you can master all of that (and you’re white, Christian, preferably Protestant or Evangelical, male, straight, and a walking, talking piece of bovine excrement), you’re on your way to greatness in the GOP! Congratulations!

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