Donald Trump is, hands down, the best example of American Christianity we’ve ever seen in the Oval Office. Now, before you go saying, “but he’s a despicable, womanizing, money-grubbing, chicken-hawk, terrible human being,” get comfortable, and allow me to state my case.

In American Christianity, the poor deserve their lot in life…and so do the rich.

American Christianity—especially Protestantism in the South—has bought wholeheartedly into the so-called “prosperity gospel.” Summed up, adherents of the prosperity gospel believe that God wants us to be spiritually and materially abundant. Those who have enough faith in God will be rewarded with things like peace, love, new cars, and giant McMansions in the ‘burbs. If you’re a prosperity gospel preacher, add “private jet” and “actual mansion” to the list of material joys.

Of course, the inverse of this is a little…what’s the word…insidious? Nah, that’s not quite it. An intentional, Machiavellian maneuver aimed at marginalizing the poor, placating the rich, and quelling discord between them? Hmm, that’s a bit closer.

Really f*cked up? Yeah, that’s it. Just totally f*cked up.

The inverse of “if you believe in God hard enough he’ll give you material wealth,” is, “if you’re poorer than me, you must not have enough faith in the Lord.” Stated differently, people who inherited $1 million from their slumlord fathers earned that through their status in God’s good graces. People who funded the slumlord’s wealth were disadvantaged not due to institutional racism, multi-generational poverty, lack of access, or anything else your kids’ whiny liberal teachers tell them. The poor folks were living in slums because that’s where God put them, and they stay in the slums because they lack enough faith for God to grant their material wishes.

Their wealth is less because they are less.

If you’re looking for the absolute greatest human example of American Christianity, that person won’t be rambling on about camels, eyes of needles, giving away worldly possessions and following an impoverished carpenter, or any of that peacenik “New Testament” mumbo-jumbo.

The greatest human example of American Christianity is going to have his “chosen” status and faith manifest in literal, material wealth. He’s going to be an unapologetically, over-the-top rich guy.

In American Christianity, marriage is sacred (with ad hoc exceptions).

Marriage is a holy gift from God, which is why Donald’s had three of them. HEY-OOOOOO! Sorry, I was a comedian in the Catskills in a former life.

Like a good American Christian, the President always judges himself with forgiving deference, forever granting himself the benefit of the doubt. It was just an accident when he shtupped Marla while he was married to Ivana. And it was a one-off when he boinked Melania while he was married to Marla. And you wouldn’t believe how odd the situations were that led him to playing stick-and-move with Stormy and Karen while he was married to Melania.

Yet through all of his human trial-and-error, God was using Donald’s worldly mistakes to prepare him to lead the people of our nation. Praise the Lord for Donald’s indiscretions, for they made him the man he is today!

But while he cuts himself more slack than a tailor at the Men’s Wearhouse, he judges everyone else—especially women and minorities—with intense suspicion and scrutiny. Jesus didn’t make no fool when he made DJT.

Women who seek an abortion shouldn’t be allowed to have one, because that seems to poll well with the base. If a woman risks her life and gets an illegal abortion, she should be punished. Chain migration is not the result of economic disparity and geography. It’s a scam run by greedy people trying to steal our nation’s resources. Of course, Slovenian models and their families are a completely different issue. Many of them, after all, are geniuses.

Welfare queens are pumping out babies to game the system. Known criminals are knocking up baby-mamas left and right, sometimes fathering as many as five children by three different women!

[bctt tweet=”While he cuts himself more slack than a tailor at the Men’s Wearhouse, he judges everyone else—especially women and minorities—with intense suspicion and scrutiny.”]

And all of them are doing so with ill intent. Lord knows that no one who lives a life of sin like that will ever amount to anything, and it’s ridiculous that our tax dollars should be used to support their sinful lifestyles.

American Christianity loves a good redemption story, especially when the main character is white, affluent, and smart enough to pander to their judgmental slant market his redemption effectively. And you’d be hard pressed to find a more compelling (totally unbelievable bullsh*t) redemption story than that of our 45^th President.

In American Christianity, victims invite their own woes…and even if they don’t, they’re not our problem.

“Average-looking immigrants who want into our country should obey our laws and get in line. The hot ones should skip ahead and marry a rich American. God’s will be done.” – Caucasians 3:16

Sure, the line may take ten years to get through, and our forefathers might have skipped it altogether. Hell, I have immigrant ancestors who absolutely jumped ship, overstayed visas, and dealt with it all after the fact. But if God wanted you to be an American, you would have been born in America, like we were.

Everyone knows refugees are mostly from countries where they abandoned Christianity 500+ years ago. Most refugees are terrorists in waiting, brazenly using their “misfortune” to engender sympathy to gain entrance to Western nations. They’re snakes, and shame on us if we see their drowning children and get suckered into helping them. Do you see what’s happening in soft countries, like Sweden?

And the refugees that are Christians? Well, at least they’ll be joining the Lord in Heaven when they drown, or starve, or get gassed. Besides, we have homeless veterans in this country.

And no, we’re not going to help the homeless vets, either. God helps those who help themselves.

In American Christianity, violence solves every problem.

Like a good American Christian, Donald Trump is a macho, alpha male tough guy. He has no “feminine” emotions, like empathy, compassion, or love for his neighbor like he loves himself. He understands that the world is full of darkness, just waiting to jump the unsavvy and naïve when they least expect it.

Followers of American Christianity understand that “turning the other cheek” is a relic of softer times, where people were only brutally stoned to death or crucified if they really stepped out of line. We now live in violent times, and if we don’t stand our ground, there’ll be no one left to spread the Good News to our fellow suburbanite, wrong-brand-of-our-same-religious-experience friends. I mean, we’re not going to do that either…but we might, and we sure as hell can’t if some thug guns us down at the ATM.

What’s the best way to keep that sort of crap from happening (besides arming ourselves, our children, our teachers, our pastors, our movie theatre ushers, and our Bible study leaders)?

Preemptive justice. Donald understands that Blue Lives Matter, and that when a policeman shoots a Black kid in the back because he “fit the profile,” that cop was just doing his job. American Christians understand it, too. The problem isn’t racism, lingering effects of Jim Crow laws, proven disparities in the justice system, militarization of the police, or any nonsense like that.

No, it’s simply that “some people” just don’t raise their d*mn kids right. If it was my kid, or Don Jr. or Eric, they would have known better than to flout the police’s authority by “wearing a hoodie,” “putting their hands up,” “holding a cell phone,” or “telling the police that they were licensed to carry a concealed weapon.”

It’s not a gun problem or a police problem or anything like that – it’s a parenting problem. God calls us to raise our children up in the Lord, but it’s hard to do that if you’re in jail, or selling drugs, or dead.

Thank God we finally have a President who understands all of this so we can feel justified in ignoring these societal issues. After all, we didn’t personally create any of them.

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For the longest time, I kept marveling at the fact that American Christianity as a whole supported Donald Trump. I was baffled that people of faith would vote for someone who, I can only assume, sold his soul to the Devil (but then welshed on the deal on account of having no soul).

Then, it hit me. He’s the chosen one. He’s the highest example of all of the things American Christianity has come to represent. He’s hateful, bigoted, shallow, violent, uneducated, sinful, white, and rich. He smiles while he blames the victims of the very system that created him. He’s unapologetically firm in beliefs that are easily disproven with a Google search.

Of course they love him. He’s them.

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Want to read more right now? Here’s a funny one: Six Things You Should Stop Doing Because They Annoy Me. Or how about this one: The Constitution’s Odd Silence On Donkey/Human Relations. I like this one, too: Hello, 911? Can You Send A Sociopath?