Blame it on my seasonal allergies. Or maybe it’s my various ailments attributable to age-related wear and tear. Mostly wear, but no significant tears. For that, I am grateful, as getting torn sounds quite painful.
Perhaps I just suppress my rage, and it’s bubbling out of my assorted head-holes now. But I’m feeling that familiar “I’d like to punch a baby right in its adorable pudgy face” feeling that I get now and then.
Note: I don’t literally want to strike an infant, as far as you know.
My life is great. As my grandpa used to say, I routinely fall into shit and come out smelling like a rose. I’m a dipshit in so many ways, yet my life continues to work out incredibly well for me. Maybe it’s my chosen commitment to optimism that makes me view life through a happy, rose-colored lens. Or maybe I’m just astronomically lucky.
Still, lately, I’m getting fed up with lots of nonsense that needs to be addressed. My inner peacenik tells me to take a deep breath and just let the world be as it is. My inner grouchy old man tells me to write a post about what everyone else needs to do to adapt their behaviors to my currently shitty attitude.
Today, the old man wins.
Here are six things everyone needs to stop doing, according to me, a random dude on the internet.
1. Getting to the front of the line, then looking for your money.
It costs money to buy things. It always has, unless you are from a pre-monetary society that bases trade upon barter. And even then, it’s fair for the rest of us to expect you to have your f&*king chickens ready when it comes time to swap them for my goat. The time you spend exploring the inner workings of your purse is time the rest of us waiting behind you will never get back.
Get your card/cash/chickens out before you get to the register. To do anything else is disrespectful to your fellow patrons. They’re all thinking you’re a dummy for taking so long, trust me. We all get together after you leave and angrily laugh about your ineptness at commerce.
2. Jaywalking and/or standing off the curb at a corner.
I’ve told you all before that I work in Washington, DC. If Washington is looking for a new mascot to replace our football franchise’s current team name, I recommend the Washington Jaywalkers. Our city’s residents/workers (a) believe they are impervious to death and injury, (b) flout laws in full knowledge they’ll never be truly enforced against them, and (c) are coolly indifferent to the needs and desires of anyone besides themselves. You know, classic NFL player traits.
In a city that grinds to a halt daily due to gridlock (literal gridlock…I’ll save the metaphorical gridlock for another post), crossing the street when it’s not your turn causes everyone else to wait, and it sets off a chain reaction that potentially lasts for hours. Stand on the curb (not stutter-stepping into the street, trying to juke cars into swerving to miss you), and wait your freaking turn.
3. Talking on the phone during retail transactions.
Assuming you’re not in the KGB or the head of a major corporation, you can politely tell your fellow conversationalist that you’ll call them back in two minutes when you’ve finished telling the Sandwich Artist which veggies you want on your Cold Cut Combo. Hell, you could probably do it even if you are in the KGB…just tell Vlad you’ll pick up your conversation about the kompromat when you get back to the Oval Office.
Any way you slice it, talking on the phone to someone else during a face-to-face transaction is disrespectful to everyone involved. It slows down your purchase, it confuses people, and it makes you seem like an insufferable douchewaffle. You’re important, I’m sure…but if you were really important, you wouldn’t have to multitask.
“Touché,” said the now-self-aware douchewaffle.
4. Parking like you’ve never driven a car before.
If a spot says COMPACT ONLY, that is not a challenge. Parking your F-350, your F-16, or any other F-ing large vehicle in a tiny spot inevitably causes preventable problems for everyone else.
Your vehicle sticks out into the aisle, slowing traffic near your car. The unfortunate chap who parks next to you can’t get in or out of his car without performing what looks like an audition for Cirque du Soleil.
If you choose to drive a big car or truck, more power to you, but accept the trade-off: you get to survive the next wreck you’re in in exchange for having less options when searching for parking.
5. Backing into parking spaces.
Some people swear by backing into parking spaces. I’ve heard it’s easier in larger vehicles than front-in parking. I’ve also heard that if you swallow watermelon seeds, you’ll grow a watermelon in your stomach. I’ve tested both of these theories, and neither is true. But only one of these inconveniences everyone around you, and it ain’t the one where you eat a handful of inedible objects and get disappointed when you don’t conceive a stripey melon-baby.
When you back into a spot, you have to drive past the spot in order to do it (unless you’ve got wicked drifting skills, in which case, you’re likely too cool to read this blog). That means that everyone behind you thinks your going to continue forward, only to have you lurch to an unpredictable stop. You’re slamming on the brakes in order to forgo parking the instinctive way, and instead park your car in a contrarian manner. You probably don’t like ranch dressing, either, just because everyone else does.
And if you’re like most people in massive American vehicles, you’re going to need four stabs at getting Ol’ Bessy lined up in the space…and you’re going to give up after your third attempt. Everyone else gets to wait and bear witness to the vehicular foxtrot through which you’re tripping. Good thing you’re taking up two spaces and saving six seconds of backing out when it’s time to leave! #sarcasm #eyeroll #iwishiknewhowtodrift #butidriveaprius #fastandfurious10priusdrift
6. Old people getting angry because the world is changing.
Look, Melba. Can I call you Melba? It’s rough being a veteran of the Spanish-American War, we get it. The world is so different than it was when you were growing up, what with all of the smartphones and flying cars and instant-made food in pill form. It’s got to be overwhelming, and I can empathize with you.
I feel the same feeling of being overwhelmed when I watch MTV – I’ve never heard of 90% of the things/people/songs they are referencing, and I wish they would speak clearly instead of mumbling. But then, my girlfriend reminds me that I have the remote in my hand and have autonomy to change the channel. And they are not mumbling, I’m just losing my hearing.
I respond, “Huh?” and she repeats the entire thing, though 11% louder and 83% more annoyed.
The world is changing faster than any of us can keep up. You’ve earned the right to be nostalgic, but being cranky and difficult doesn’t make anything better. It just makes the rest of us cranky and difficult right back to you. Smile, and be grateful you’ve lived long enough to arrive at the point where you don’t understand what a Cardi B is. It’s a blessing not everyone gets, okurrr?
Well, that’s it. I feel slightly better having gotten that off my chest. If you can relate to my angst, share this article. Together, we can overcome the modern scourge that is mildly annoying behaviors of other people.