Through my diverse contacts in Washington, DC, I’ve obtained what might be a first draft of the now famous New York Times anonymous op-ed. It might be that. It also might be something other than that, e.g. something I pulled out of my ass in between doing shots of Sailor Jerry’s, watching The Rachel Maddow Show, and doing additional shots of Sailor Jerry’s.
But it might be a first draft. We can simply never know for sure.
Here it is:
HARK! It is I, the great lodestar of all things good and right, here with an anonymous letter to humanity.
It is imperative that you all know that I know what’s going on. I am aware that the President of the United States is a real estate developer who accidentally got elected to his office. I am under no illusions that the man has a single clue as to what he’s doing.
That’s why I’m staying incognito on this mission to single-handedly save the United States of America.
If I told you who I was, I’d get fired for penning this letter, thus ending my heroics. But if I kept silent about it and just saved the day over and over, the value of my future book deal would be significantly negatively impacted. I might be in favor of free markets, free minds, and free people, but I don’t work for free.
Face it: self-promotion and spin is vital in this post-fact world. It’s impossible to make the big bucks as a former superhero if you never broadcast your super deeds. Being a no-name resistance leader doesn’t pay well. Think about it: if I personally avert global thermonuclear war but no one knows I did that, you’ll just sleep through the night as if nothing happened.
And that, my friends, leaves me lumped in with all the other idiots here at the White House: a spineless co-conspirator, at least as far as anyone knows. I just can’t risk that.
So here I stay. The President is driving, but he drives like an emotionally unstable teenager. That’s why I’m riding shotgun like a driving instructor.
What do I do in that role? Well, I pump the brakes when Donnie is more focused on tweeting than navigating a rapidly approaching hairpin turn. Sometimes, I nudge the aforementioned amoral anaconda awake when his 3000-calorie drive-thru snack has him slipping into a food coma. I do mystical, secret things to frustrate his agenda. Things you might not understand the importance of, like holding back the electric car, or making Steve Guttenberg a star. And every so often, I subvert democracy…but only when democracy doesn’t produce the result I think it should. You know, stuff like that.
I’ll keep helping drive this two-track administration down the road until—one way or another—it’s over.
Now, I know what you’re thinking.
No, that’s not a literary device for me to transition into rhetorical self-support. I literally know what you’re thinking. The FSB has some crazy technology. But I’ve already said too much.
Anyhoo, back to hyping my benevolent undercover operation to dictate a better future for all you idiots who elected an anthropomorphic hairball as the Leader of the Free World.Now, I know what you’re thinking. No, that’s not a literary device for me to transition into rhetorical self-support. I literally know what you’re thinking. The FSB has some crazy technology. Click To Tweet
The bottom line is this: you can rest easy knowing that there’s a steady hand at the helm. No self-centered yahoo who has never read the Constitution is going to usurp this democracy on my watch. Well, scratch that. No self-centered yahoo other than me is going to do all that “usurping” stuff.
It takes a real hero to do the blatantly wrong thing for the self-decided right reasons, and thankfully, that hero is up to the task.
You’re welcome, America.
Deep Throat 2
2 Deep 2 Throaty: Tokyo Drift
A Simple, Anonymous, American Hero
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