Through my diverse contacts in Washington, DC, I’ve obtained what might be a first draft of the now famous New York Times anonymous op-ed. It might be that. It also might be something other than that, e.g. something I pulled out of my ass in between doing shots of Sailor Jerry’s, watching The Rachel Maddow Show, and doing additional shots of Sailor Jerry’s.
But it might be a first draft. We can simply never know for sure.
Here it is:
HARK! It is I, the great lodestar of all things good and right, here with an anonymous letter to humanity.
It is imperative that you all know that I know what’s going on. I am aware that the President of the United States is a real estate developer who accidentally got elected to his office. I am under no illusions that the man has a single clue as to what he’s doing.
That’s why I’m staying incognito on this mission to single-handedly save the United States of America.
If I told you who I was, I’d get fired for penning this letter, thus ending my heroics. But if I kept silent about it and just saved the day over and over, the value of my future book deal would be significantly negatively impacted. I might be in favor of free markets, free minds, and free people, but I don’t work for free.
Face it: self-promotion and spin is vital in this post-fact world. It’s impossible to make the big bucks as a former superhero if you never broadcast your super deeds. Being a no-name resistance leader doesn’t pay well. Think about it: if I personally avert global thermonuclear war but no one knows I did that, you’ll just sleep through the night as if nothing happened.
And that, my friends, leaves me lumped in with all the other idiots here at the White House: a spineless co-conspirator, at least as far as anyone knows. I just can’t risk that.
So here I stay. The President is driving, but he drives like an emotionally unstable teenager. That’s why I’m riding shotgun like a driving instructor.
What do I do in that role? Well, I pump the brakes when Donnie is more focused on tweeting than navigating a rapidly approaching hairpin turn. Sometimes, I nudge the aforementioned amoral anaconda awake when his 3000-calorie drive-thru snack has him slipping into a food coma. I do mystical, secret things to frustrate his agenda. Things you might not understand the importance of, like holding back the electric car, or making Steve Guttenberg a star. And every so often, I subvert democracy…but only when democracy doesn’t produce the result I think it should. You know, stuff like that.
I’ll keep helping drive this two-track administration down the road until—one way or another—it’s over.
Now, I know what you’re thinking.
No, that’s not a literary device for me to transition into rhetorical support of my own positions. I literally know what you’re thinking. The FSB has some crazy technology. But I’ve already said too much.
Anyhoo, back to hyping my benevolent undercover operation to dictate a better future for all you idiots who elected an anthropomorphic hairball as the Leader of the Free World.
The bottom line is this: you can rest easy knowing that there’s a steady hand at the helm. No self-centered yahoo who has never read the Constitution is going to usurp this democracy on my watch. Well, scratch that. No self-centered yahoo other than me is going to do all that “usurping” stuff.
It takes a real hero to do the blatantly wrong thing for the self-decided right reasons, and thankfully, that hero is up to the task.
You’re welcome, America.
Deep Throat 2
2 Deep 2 Throaty: Tokyo Drift
A Simple, Anonymous, American Hero
And as always, if you like what you read on my page, let me know by following my facebook or twitter pages, or by subscribing to my email list! Or go buy a t-shirt and help support my mission to not do actual work!