It’s almost time for everyone’s favorite day filled with fright and dread! No, not Election Day. No, not the end of Daylight Savings Time, though if the end of Daylight Savings Time fills you with fright and dread, you should likely seek therapy. Those are good guesses (they are not really good guesses, I’m just patronizing you), but nope…I’m talking about Halloween!
Halloween is a chance for kids of all ages to go to parties, cut loose, and eat a lot of candy. Of course, if you’re going to be out on the hunt for fun, you have to wear a great costume.
This is namely because wandering “naked” through a “gated community” while asking people for “some of that drug-laced candy old people on Facebook are always warning about” is apparently verboten. It’s what they call “suspicious behavior” and “indecent,” said the guy dressed as a “policeman” as he rattled off a bunch of numbers into his plainly fake walkie-talkie.
I tried to tell him I was dressed as “the Emperor,” and he was insulting my New Clothes. He then tazed me, which made me spill my plastic jack-o-lantern full of hard earned, drug-laced candy on the ground. It was a real #emergy.
But I learned a valuable life lesson that day: you simply have to split up your stash of drug-laced candy into different places on your body. Put some in your socks, some in your backpack, swallow a baggie full of some…don’t be irresponsible and carry it all in one plastic jack-o-lantern.
I also discovered that your costume makes all the difference. If you want to have a great time, invest some serious preparation in looking the part this Halloween. With that in mind, I’ve put together some great, one-of-a-kind costume ideas for your consideration. Enjoy!
1. Ted Cruz, But With A Spine.
Ted Cruz is a spineless coward, but he had a spine at some point. We all heard him tell Donald Trump, “YOU LEAVE HEIDI THE HELL ALONE!” during the 2016 campaign. It’s hard to remember that, now that he bears more in common with Reek from Game of Thrones than with a duly elected United States Senator from the Great State of Texas.
For this costume, you’ll first need to eat a lemon to pucker your mouth like a balloon knot. Don a dark suit and slick your greasy hair down so you look like Squiggy, but with a hundred times less charm. Squint your eyes like you’re trying to do a Robert DeNiro impression, but you have just been diagnosed with Bell’s palsy.
Now, move your hands awkwardly, like you might if you were an android, but an android with a barely contained, malfunctioning artificial gastrointestinal system. Imagine simultaneously clenching your ass cheeks, your abs, your already-puckered face, and your toes, all while condescendingly lecturing anyone who’ll listen about the merits of supply-side economics.Squint your eyes like you’re trying to do a Robert DeNiro impression, but you have just been diagnosed with Bell’s palsy. Click To Tweet
Next, imagine everyone hates you, including your own wife and kids. And your mom, too. And also you’re probably the Zodiac Killer. Just keep it all inside with a creepy, smarmy, forced smile.
Finally, scream, “YOU LEAVE HEIDI THE HELL ALONE,” at everyone you see. They’ll probably get it. If they don’t understand your costume, vote to eliminate their health care and then go eat at White Castle.
They’ll for sure get it. You’ll be filling your candy bags in no time!
2. Couples Costume: A Trump Voter’s Self Image and A Trump Voter’s Actual Image.
For this one, one of you (Trump Voter’s Self Image) will dress as a put-together, buttoned-down person. Tucked-in starched shirt, khakis, maybe a blue blazer with gold buttons. Wear a bulky gold class ring to convey your educational attainment and/or early access to discretionary funds to all who see your abnormally small hands.
Your phone should have apps that readily show your investments’ performance, the latest headlines from Fox News, and your Known Traveler Number for your frequent jaunts about the country for business. Flash those bits of information to everyone you can. It’s important that everyone understands the level to which you are self-made and important. Have loud “conversations” on your Bluetooth earpiece so everyone hears you say phrases like, “Yeah brah, but what’s the ROI?” or “I told them that was a pretty big ask with the Fed moving rates on us right now,” or “of course, but the thing you have to understand about the Blacks is…”Wear a bulky gold class ring to convey your educational attainment and/or early access to discretionary funds to all who see your abnormally small hands. Click To Tweet
Your partner (Trump Voter’s Actual Image) will need a mustard-stained t-shirt that proudly proclaims “I’d Rather Be Russian Than A Democrat,” or, if you’re feeling especially classy, “Trump Can Grab My Pussy.” Wear work boots as a means of signaling your hardscrabble work ethic. Drag them behind the F-150 to scuff them up, since they don’t catch a lot of “the elements” at your job at Walmart, a.k.a. the only employer in your town since before you were born.
How far should you drag those boots behind your truck? About as far behind as you are on your lease payments, I’d say. Then head straight to the ER for that sick burn.
To prep for the evening, listen to some hip-hop and rap while you get ready. Eat some tacos down at your favorite hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant. Practice your soliloquy on how “they” are living off our taxes and stealing all the “good” jobs. Then buy a whole mess of scratchers, pregame with your ever-present pals, Oxycontin & Budweiser, grab your 1-liter of Mountain Dew, and go get that candy!
And by “candy,” I mean meth. WOOHOO! HALLOWEEN!
3. Megyn Kelly Swearing Blackface Isn’t Actually Racist.
This one is pretty easy from a physical standpoint. The hard part is being alive in 2018, having a good education, working for 20+ years in national broadcast media, and truly not having a fucking clue. To pull that off, you must fully commit to being worthless.
First, dress up like Megyn Kelly. While it’s tempting to add to the “gore” spirit of Halloween by tacking on a reference to “blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her…wherever,” just don’t. You’ll be mixing references and confusing your intended audience. Not to mention, it’s just as crass and unnecessary as it was when the President made the reference. Besides, no one wants to see your bloody crotch.
Now that you’re dressed up like Ms. Kelly, you’ll need to fully engulf yourself in the cluelessness that allows a white person to think her opinion on how people of color “should” feel outweighs the opinion of people of color.
This is, obviously, incredibly tough if you’re not naturally a piece of shit. It can be done, though. Start small and easy.
Declare that Colin Kaepernick is a son of a bitch who got what was coming to him. Set the pick with, “Lebron should shut up and dribble.” Confuse everyone with a head-fake: “Kanye is just as entitled to his opinion as anyone, it’s called the First Amendment, okay?” Bitch about sagging pants and the state of what these kids call “music” these days. Slide over to a little Blue Lives Matter “like and share” action on Facebook. Step it up with a nice, “people wouldn’t get shot by the cops if they’d just follow the damn law.”
And for the coup de grâce, cap it off by telling all the “libs” that they are the actual racists for calling you a racist. BOOM.
I think you’re ready for prime time, at which point you’ll bomb and resurrect a few days later on the coveted 9 am weekday spot. You’re dressed and maliciously, intentionally clueless.
You may fire at will with your unrequested hot take about blackface of all things. It’s the most pressing issue of 1918 2018. Let the Halloween candy start flowing your way!
4. Stephen Miller’s Formative Years, Ages Five To Present.
It’s hard to roll most of a human being’s life into one Halloween costume. That being said, they aren’t handing out candy on Halloween night for effort, snowflake. They’re handing it out for results.
Well, okay, actually they’re just handing it out on a loose “first come, first served” system with a little discretion to make sure those undeserving shits from across the tracks don’t get all the full-sized candy bars. Who the hell do these children think they are, coming into OUR neighborhood, asking us for candy? Next they’ll be asking for healthcare and access to clean drinking water. Slippery slope, I tell ya.
To capture the essence Stephen Miller ages five to 33, you’re going to start with a tub of paste. Eat a little, but not so much that you get an intestinal blockage. You’ve still got a lot of Halloween spoils ahead of you!
After that, plan on going trick-or-treating alone. Stephen had (and likely, has) no friends. It’s important that you fully embrace the self-created loneliness of being an utterly despicable louse.
Next, you need to actually be an utterly despicable louse. Rant about the ills of immigration and open borders as you write policies to bar Muslim refugees from entering our country. Anger your uncle and your family’s former rabbi badly enough to speak out about your apparent rejection of your own family’s very recent history as refugees. Brag about torture’s efficacy, even when people who have actually served in military and intelligence routinely trash such nonsense as factually incorrect and conceptually dangerous. Write Donald Trump’s immigration policy, complete with separating and caging children while deporting their parents without them, all as a means of deterring further illegal and legal immigration.
Haphazardly pluck out three-quarters of your hair and eyebrows. Stay out of the sunlight for a few weeks leading up to the big day so your skin takes on a bluish, almost transparent texture. You really want your external appearance to mirror your putrid personality. When gauging your look, think “Smeagol, maybe a few weeks after he found the Ring, but not so long after it corrupted his soul that he’s fully become Gollum.” If your look screams “Hobbit in the early stages of five hundred years of decay,” you’re on the right track.
Lastly, carry an $80 takeout platter of sushi with you. When you’re being harassed by a large enough group of people, throw the sushi away to “protest the protesters.” Be sure to let the group know the platter cost $80, for some reason. And that reason is because you are a douche.If your look screams “Hobbit in the early stages of five hundred years of decay,” you’re on the right track. #stephenmiller Click To Tweet
Done correctly, you’ll get a lot of Halloween candy from people who probably just feel sorry for you. Probably because you’re a 33-year-old man and you have paste all over your face.
5. Tough Guy Who Almost Joined The Military Who Now Compensates For His Self-Perceived Shortcoming By Being A Caricature Of A Soldier.
While becoming a tough-as-nails operator in the US military is a tall order, thousands of Americans have saved a ton of sacrifice by simply almost deciding to join those ranks.
It’s not important why you fail to follow through with joining the military and becoming an elite special operator. The important thing is that everyone you meet understandably assumes you must have been in the military. In order to ensure this outcome, you have to commit to the part.
You’ll need to grow a scraggly beard. All that time imagining what it would have been like to live under the military’s strict grooming guidelines has rendered you a grizzled rebel.
Sport Oakleys at all times, especially indoors. The intense desert sun in Iraq took some getting used to, according to a documentary you watched on the History Channel last week. Your eyes just haven’t been the same since you got back from that metaphysical journey in your mind via your cable provider. Besides, it’s a lot easier to hide your tells from would-be insurgents and bartenders when you’re protected behind polarized shades.
Get a MOLON LABE tattoo on your forearm. Maybe a “Come And Take It” coiled snake while you’re at it. You need everyone to understand the level to which you prize your Second Amendment rights. People fought and sacrificed everything for those rights. You didn’t, of course, but people did. And as a rugged individual, you march in spiritual lockstep with all of those rugged individuals.
Drink a lot of whiskey, always neat. Ice is for pussies and cowards. Do you think they have ice for their fuckin’ whiskey in Afghanistan? Huh?! No, seriously, I’m asking you. I’ve never been. Oh, never mind, you haven’t been, either. My bad. Your tough exterior and unnecessary desert camouflage in a sports bar threw me off.
Be aloof and standoffish about everything. Project an “I’m hard to get to know, but it’s because being vulnerable always gets the people I care about killed” vibe. War changes a person, dammit. A random, other person. Not you, to be clear.Your tough exterior and unnecessary desert camouflage in a sports bar threw me off. Click To Tweet
Wow, this one is a lot of work. It might actually be easier to simply enlist in the branch of your choice and excel at all of your work, rise through the ranks, and actually become whatever fantasy role this is. At least that way you’ll be able to convey your bravado by just being yourself.
Either way, Americans’ penchant for worship of “the troops,” real or fictional, ensures a tremendous Halloween bounty for you!
6. Ranting Dude In A Pickup Truck.
Closely related to Tough Guy Who Almost Joined The Military Who Now Compensates For His Self-Perceived Shortcoming By Being A Caricature Of A Soldier, we have another great Halloween costume: Ranting Dude In A Pickup Truck.
Now, a couple of logistic notes:
First, you need a pickup truck, and you’ll need to physically be in the truck the entirety of Halloween night. The truck isn’t your vehicle tonight; it’s a part of your identity.
Next, you’ll need a cowboy hat. This serves to convey to your audience that, just like them, you like to pretend you’re a cowboy. You’ll connect even more easily if you, too, have never set foot on an actual working farm. The vast majority of your followers put on the affectation of being “country folk” without having the country bona fides to back it up. Do the same thing, and you’ll fit right in.Next, you’ll need a cowboy hat. This serves to convey to your audience that, just like them, you like to pretend you’re a cowboy. Click To Tweet
You’ll want to live in the suburbs, so there’s ample room for your massive pickup truck, but you’ll still be close enough for a short commute to your middle management job in an office just off the freeway.
Listen to Nashville pop country music, made by other people who likewise put on the affectation of being country folk. Sing along to all the tunes about dirt roads and pickup trucks as you drive your pickup truck down occasional dirt roads. But mostly down paved roads, on account of living in the suburbs.
Okay, you’re in the truck, you’ve got your hat on. Now, cock your head about 30° and smirk at the camera. Tilt the hat down a little. Keep smirking.
It doesn’t really matter what you rant about. Just make sure it’s insanely condescending and confirms the audience’s biases, especially about “others.” And remember, keep smirking. The smirk has to do most of the work. Three-quarters of the people watching will not have the sound on, namely because they’re sitting on the toilet in a public restroom when they watch your rant.
What are the odds of scoring a ton of candy with this costume? It depends on the neighborhood. In the right neighborhood, you’ll cash in big time. Look for unnecessarily large houses, tacky “western” inspired décor, women with big hair, and of course, big trucks parked in the driveways.
Well, there you have it. Six costume ideas that are sure to set you apart from every other trick-or-treater this Halloween.
Some people won’t understand them, some people will, but that’s not important. All that really matters is that you get candy before the undeserving pricks from the next neighborhood over come in and get the good stuff. Those bastards already get free lunches at school. Hell, half of them don’t even have the decency to take that money they’re saving on food and go buy elaborate Halloween costumes. A total disgrace. Sad!
Now get out there and get the Halloween candy that you deserve!
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Need some more Hitting The Trifecta right now? Try this one: California Is Hella Stoked It’s Not Mississippi. Or how about this one? 6 Lies About Immigrants Trump Hopes You Believe. I like this one, too: Time To Grow Up, Boys.