The key to solving inflation, immigration, crime, fentanyl, gay marriage, abortion, sex trafficking, and transgender people using restrooms is simple:
We must investigate Hunter Biden.
I know what you’re thinking: what does Hunter Biden have to do with any of these real and imagined problems the ascendant Republican majority promised to address? Isn’t this just another case of the GOP leveraging the optics of a fight against a mythical dragon? And aren’t they more interested in fundraising from sheep who are scared shitless of dragons than in actually killing the non-existent beast?
WRONG. Hunter Biden is the pre-eminent threat to your family’s safety, security, and bathroom privacy. He’s coming for you, unless the Republicans can stop him. And they can’t stop him without your $27 recurring donation. Unless, of course, you want them to tell Donald Trump that you didn’t care enough to help.
In other news, I happen to know you scrolled by that Facebook post without commenting “amen,” and now that poor weepy-eyed orphaned kitten has been tossed into the Arctic Ocean. You heartless fuck.
I didn’t want to punt her into the icy water, but you left me no choice.
Don’t make the same mistake twice. If you do, then don’t complain to me when Hunter Biden dresses in drag and uses the stall next to you in the women’s room at J.C. Penney. You’ve always known the stakes.
But here we are. The midterms are over, and while there are still a few recounts and ballot-curing issues happening, the Republicans gained the majority of seats in the House of Representatives. It appears they’ll have about four or five seats beyond the 218 needed to control the chamber.
Throughout the run-up to the midterms, voters heard incessant reminders about inflation, crime, and other “kitchen table” issues. It was clear, according to spokesmen like Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio), Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Georgia), and Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Creepy Panel Van Offering Little Girls Free Candy): A vote for a radical Democrat was a vote to conserve the status quo. A vote for a conservative Republican, however, was a vote to radically upend the establishment and fix everything affecting the common man.
Having squeezed out an admittedly historically small win, it’s time to give the people exactly what they were promised, in not so many words: a thorough, embarrassing, all-consuming investigation of the President’s adult son.
I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t profess to know the exact means by which using the levers of power to investigate a private citizen will eliminate inflation. I don’t have the education to wrap my head around how subpoenaing Joe Biden’s adult son will lower the price of gas or reduce our involvement in Ukraine. And maybe I’ve eaten too much lead paint in my life to have the ability to critically think about how this all seems like low-budget revenge fantasy for the lead-paint-snackin’ demographic.
I do know, however, that Joe Biden has weaponized the Justice Department to go after a private citizen in Florida who “allegedly” tried to overthrow the government of the United States by means of force. I know that because every Republican within shouting distance of a TV camera has yelled that at me.
First off, show me exactly where it says “insurrection is against the law.” And second, after you’ve shown me your “so-called” 18 USC §2383, tell me who amongst us hasn’t fomented a violent insurrection or three. I certainly have.
“It’s different when we do it,” is not just the unofficial motto of the Grand Old Party. It also happens to be a true statement regarding our using the levers of power to go after a private citizen.
Because this isn’t just some elderly former President down in Florida who seems to have stolen reams of classified documents. No, this isn’t some poor (literally, in terms of his negative net worth) old man playing golf at his Russian-financed personal golf resort. We’re not talking about some poor schlub in billions of dollars in debt to foreign banks who, through no fault of his own, had access to the nation’s nuclear secrets.
And it’s not like it’s some random son-in-law of a world leader who unexplainably found $2 billion from the Saudis. Or some hypothetical daughter of that same world leader who got a whole lot of Chinese wheels greased to clear trademarks for her brand.
Nope. This is way different.
This is Hunter. Fucking. Biden.
What does that mean? It’s what they call res ipsa loquitur: “the thing speaks for itself.” It’s one of those statements like “reverse mortgages are a good investment” or “Scott Baio is a generational talent.” You don’t have to justify it; it just is.
I mean, what more can I say?
Seriously, I don’t have anything else to say. He’s Hunter Biden. <shivers>
As I drive around in the days since the election was called, I can see that the plan is working.
In the hours that have passed since the Republicans ditched their campaign rhetoric in favor of a blitzkrieg against Joe Biden’s kid, one thing’s for certain: I haven’t been accosted once in the men’s room by a transgender person. And believe me, I have tried. I’ve “accidentally” walked into several stalls, and I’m saddened to report nary a transgender has tried to molest me.
I went through the self-checkout line at Walmart for my thanksgiving spread. I paid a lot less for those three items than the 17 items in my cart would have suggested. Economic self-sufficiency is only possible when justice is meted out equally to all children of all current presidents.
Last evening, I wandered around asking people for fentanyl, as I’m known to do. Would you believe, not a single patron at Panera would give me any? A lot of people are asking: was Hunter Biden the primary source of fentanyl in the United States? (You can’t see me, but I have a “quizzical yet constipated” look on my face and the chyron that mysteriously hovers below me reads, “Hunter Biden: Fentanyl Pimp?”).
Having personally witnessed the marked improvement in our country in such a short time, I’m thrilled to see what other effects we’ll see! Who knows how good things will get when we snag the Holy Grail that is Hunter Biden’s laptop?
Will his laptop make abortion a thing of the past? I mean, besides for daughters of people with money. Like I said, “It’s different when we do it.” I don’t know exactly how uteruses and babies work, but I have to assume secrets like that would command a pretty penny. Maybe the exact kind of pretty penny a man whose name rhymes with HUNTER BIDEN would sell to the highest bidder?
Can going after this one scary man’s computer somehow end sex trafficking once and for all? And will Florida’s economy survive such a direct attack?
Does his Dell Inspiron contain the cure for herpes? I really hope so, because I’ve looked, and my laptop does not.
In the end, the people of America—through gloriously salamander-shaped districts aimed at choosing voters to ensure victory for the party of each state’s legislature—chose overwhelmingly by five seats out of 435 to give the Republicans a mandate.
And if the average person in America knew what a mandate was, they’d understand. But they don’t like it when we use big words, so we’re going to tell them it means Hunter Biden is fucked.
Thank God. Because all those other problems they told us about seemed way too complex to actually address them.
Want to read more right now? Try A Billionaire And A Gay Prostitute Walk Into The Public Square. Or Life Is What Happens While You’re Busy Watching Big Cats Get Busy. Or how about Trade Offer: You Get One Deadly Virus, I Get One Rent Freeze?