America, we’re in a full-fledged public health crisis. We skipped straight past partial fledging on this one. One out of every three people in the US is obese, and another third of us is overweight.
The final third is made up of people who’ve clearly never tried Costco pizza. That stuff is ridiculously tasty, friends. And only $9.99? Unfettered access to that kind of deal is surely worth the membership fee, cutthroat parking situation, unexplained crowd on a Tuesday at 6 pm, and impending gastric bypass you’ll need from a steady diet of Costco pizza. Continue reading
Ants! Man, what an absolute nuisance ants can be these days. They just don’t seem to know their place in the ecosystem anymore, like they did back when America was Great, before we needed to Make it Great Again.
If you live where they are, there’s just no way around them. They annoy you. They cause you discomfort. They’ve been known to form a line and work together to steal your picnic basket.
They’re a ton of fun to watch through a piece of glass, when there’s no danger they’ll harm you. Ants are insanely strong and fast, and many are rather violent toward one another. As amazing as they are to watch when they work/play, they’re not who you want hanging out after dark in your quiet, suburban neighborhood. Continue reading
I watch more TV than an out-of-work victim of medical negligence whose new shipment of catheters hasn’t arrived. But I could be entitled to financial compensation, so you should probably stay on my good side.
I know that “I watch a shit ton of TV” is something I shouldn’t say. Sort of like, “I drink pickle juice directly from the jar,” or “there’s a callus on my thumb from scrolling through Facebook on my phone so much.” All true, but probably shouldn’t be broadcast to the masses. Continue reading
People aren’t supporting Donald Trump because of the reasons they give.
They tell us that they appreciate how he tells it like it is (just like drunk Uncle Billy at Thanksgiving dinner, who is a limitless font of familial harmony).
They say he’s a breath of fresh air after eight awful years under Obama (back when a Muslim from Kenya imposed Sharia law on us while seizing our guns and physically shifting the White House off of its foundation so it could face Mecca. Thank God that’s over, that burka was getting hot, am I right?). Continue reading
America is not a monarchy.
We’re not just “not a monarchy.” We were founded in treasonous opposition to a monarchy. Our philosophical ancestors demanded liberty. That liberty could come one of two ways: willingly granted by the British Empire, or at the end of a royal executioner’s rope.
For years before that, they pled for more self-governance in the administration of the Colonies. Repeatedly denied, they took up arms and spilled blood to assert their voice. Continue reading
I don’t want to believe that Joe Paterno knew about the stuff Jerry Sandusky was doing with underage boys at Penn State, but he did.
I don’t want to believe that Lance Armstrong cheated to win the Tour de France 7 times, but I’d bet my left nut that he did. What, too soon? He’s a cheater, and he’s healthy now, so I can make fun of him. It’s in the Geneva Convention, look it up.
I don’t want to believe that Dr. Huxtable roofied a bunch of women and then raped them, but he did, and he’s in deep Jello pudding now. Continue reading
I’m in a long-term, heterosexual relationship. That means a few things.
One, it means that I’ve had to learn that there is some truth to all of the clichés, like apparently girls hate it when you leave the seat up after you pee. I always thought that women came equipped with two front-facing eyes. I was wrong, and must guard my mate against accidentally falling ass-first into the porcelain abyss. Continue reading
Marriage, at its civil root, is a property arrangement.
It always has been. It’s a state-sanctioned means by which families can grow and preserve wealth.
Marriage concentrates society’s buying power and increases stability. It decreases our use of resources for protection of our youngest, sickest, and oldest citizens.
When the happy couple wants to call it quits, family law gives predictability to the division of property. Sure, there are options as to what could happen post-bliss, but the majority of property divisions in divorce are quite similar. Continue reading
Last night, I watched “The Words That Built America” on HBO. It’s a documentary that features politicians and celebrities reading the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights. The cameras are zoomed in tight, each reader taking up most of the frame. One by one, they read their assigned sentence or two.
All five living former presidents and President Trump each took a turn. Hillary Clinton reads a section. Supreme Court Justices, the Speaker of the House, Vice Presidents, Secretaries of State, United States Senators and state governors each got a few seconds. Continue reading
Article 33 of the Geneva Convention prohibits “collective punishment.” Simply put, it’s against the rules to punish someone for something they didn’t personally do. Makes sense at an innate level.
We understand basic fairness from the time we are babies. We cannot internalize cause and effect when we’re being punished for something that someone else did.
Instead, the cause and effect will shift away from the behavior being punished and toward something that makes more instinctive sense. Continue reading