Democracy: If You Ain’t Rigging It, You Ain’t Trying.

Voting is the essential element of democracy. We all vote, and whoever gets the most votes wins the election. Right?

Well, let me be more specific. Whoever gets the most votes of every vote cast wins the election. You don’t need a majority of people to like you in a democracy. You just need a majority of people who voice their opinion on you to like you.

Okay, let me be even more specific, because not everyone gets to vote, at least not in our sort of democracy. Whoever gets the most votes (1) of every vote cast (2) by non-felons (3) over the age of 18 (4) who can prove residency within the precinct wins the election. Continue reading

6 FAQ’s For “You Buncha Snowflake Libruls.”

America is a country of extremes. The flat expanse of the Great Plains gives way to the purple mountains’ majesty of the Rockies. Farmers, hedge fund managers, teachers, and factory workers all cheer for the same team of millionaires giving each other concussions. We’ve got the bet-it-all-on-black insanity of Las Vegas, and the hey-isn’t-that-that-one-guy-who-was-kinda-famous-in-1982 insanity of Branson, Missouri.

When it comes to politics, we’re no less extreme. And when it comes to lazy transitions, “when it comes to” is my favorite. Continue reading

Homeschool Valedictorian

Trigger warning: if you homeschool your child, you probably won’t like this article, because I’m about to make fun of you and your child. Please skip it, and go read something else. You’ve been warned.


For generations, “school” was the place where you sent your kids to get book learnin’. As a society, we decided back in 1892 or 1761 or something—I don’t know, I didn’t pay attention in history class—that we would benefit from having a literate populace that could count higher than the number of fingers they had. This became especially important during the Industrial Revolution, as people started losing fingers at never-before-seen rates. Continue reading

Proud Buford, Keep On Trollin’.

We have more opportunity to hear and be heard than we’ve ever had in human history.

We can join in on the global conversation through countless platforms – Facebook, twitter, Reddit, snapchat, or any number of sites that I’m too old and square to understand. Never in the history of man has it been easier to show our penises¹ to someone 10,000 miles away. We live in truly amazing times. Continue reading

This Job Would Be Easier If It Wasn’t For All Of These Customers, Part 5

Welcome back! If you’ve been following along, we’ve gotten through four types of people who make working/dining at a restaurant less enjoyable than it could be. We’ve also gotten through all of that if you haven’t been following along. Our progress is not dependent on you. Rein in your ego, okay?

But if you landed here and want to read Part 1, Part 2, or Part 3, click away and come back. You don’t have to, as this one stands alone, but it might be more fun if you read the first three.

The last category is sort of a catch-all. There are lots of little behaviors that can all be explained by people’s lack of consideration for their fellow humans. Continue reading

3 Things I Won’t Miss About Target

Hi again friends. I’m currently bacheloring it up with my best bud Lemmy, as my girlfriend/Lemmy’s mama is out of town for work. She’s going to be out of town for quite a while, unfortunately.

I’m not 100% sure what she does. I think she’s probably in the CIA. It’s either that, or she’s one of the Avengers.  I hope it’s the Avengers, the State Department seems a little disheveled lately.

Each time she leaves, there are a couple of things that change for me. Continue reading

Sorry, you are who you vote for.

People don’t come right out and say, “I voted for Donald Trump because he’s a racist, a xenophobic ass, and a misogynist.” But people likewise aren’t supporting Donald Trump because of the nonsense reasons they give.

Instead, they tell us that they appreciate how he tells it like it is (just like drunk Uncle Billy at Thanksgiving dinner, who is a limitless font of familial harmony).

They say he’s a breath of fresh air after eight awful years under Obama (back when a Muslim from Kenya imposed Sharia law on us while seizing our guns and physically shifting the White House off of its foundation so it could face Mecca. Thank God that’s over, that burka was getting hot, am I right?). Continue reading