Kavanaugh: Drunken Elephant In The Room

Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh has been accused of sexual assault.

The Republicans are lining up to dismiss, obfuscate, victim-blame, and otherwise do their Republican duty to be abject cockwaffles at every turn. I’ll give them this: they are insanely talented at it. The ability to choreograph such precise cockwafflery in unison deserves a round of applause, whether we like the actual cockwafflery or not. Continue reading

Give Me Liberty, Or Give Me…Slightly Less Liberty.

Literally every right we have comes with limits.

We have the right to free speech, yet I can’t libel people. I can’t (legally) threaten people with bodily harm. I can most definitely use inflammatory rhetoric, but I can’t use it to incite violence without facing criminal charges. I can’t yell obscenities outside at 3 am, apparently. I have first-hand knowledge about that last one, courtesy of the Houston Police Department and some pissed-off neighbors circa 2000. Continue reading

Kakistocracy: Of, By, And For The Worst.

When you’re a kid, adults inspire you by saying, “You can be anything you want when you grow up!” Sometimes parents illustrate the true grandeur of that statement with a follow up: “…you could even be the president!”

My mom used to tell me that I was just too smart to be the president. Throughout my life, I’ve switched between two beliefs. Sometimes I believe my mom wholeheartedly. Other times, I think her premise is absurd. That switch has occurred once every eight years.

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Think Like A Conservative

Want to think like a conservative? The conservative game plan on many matters is to be counterintuitive and contrarian.

Gun violence? We just need more guns!

Animals going extinct? Hunting and killing them will help with that!

Israel versus Palestine conflict? HARK! We shall move the American Embassy to Jerusalem and hasten the coming apocalypse, as the prophets of yore foretold! *eyes turn red and start glowing for some reason. Continue reading

Democracy: If You Ain’t Rigging It, You Ain’t Trying.

Voting is the essential element of democracy. We all vote, and whoever gets the most votes wins the election. Right?

Well, let me be more specific. Whoever gets the most votes of every vote cast wins the election. You don’t need a majority of people to like you in a democracy. You just need a majority of people who voice their opinion on you to like you.

Okay, let me be even more specific, because not everyone gets to vote, at least not in our sort of democracy. Whoever gets the most votes (1) of every vote cast (2) by non-felons (3) over the age of 18 (4) who can prove residency within the precinct wins the election. Continue reading

6 FAQ’s For “You Buncha Snowflake Libruls.”

America is a country of extremes. The flat expanse of the Great Plains gives way to the purple mountains’ majesty of the Rockies. Farmers, hedge fund managers, teachers, and factory workers all cheer for the same team of millionaires giving each other concussions. We’ve got the bet-it-all-on-black insanity of Las Vegas, and the hey-isn’t-that-that-one-guy-who-was-kinda-famous-in-1982 insanity of Branson, Missouri.

When it comes to politics, we’re no less extreme. And when it comes to lazy transitions, “when it comes to” is my favorite. Continue reading

General Obvious Denial, CSA.

The Civil War was a pivotal moment in our nation’s history, and should not be forgotten. But it’s not the only pivotal moment. I’d like to suggest some other pivotal moments to which we should erect statues honoring the participants, lest we forget.

We should erect a statue honoring Senator Joseph McCarthy in front of the Capitol, so we remember there was a time Communists were everywhere, trying to infiltrate our society. Sure, he ruined people’s lives for political gain. But it’s an important part of our history that, quite frankly, I’m surprised we still remember, given the utter lack of statuary. Continue reading