I Had 99 Posts But Now I Have 100.

Well, friends, this post is a milestone. Believe it or not, this is Hitting The Trifecta’s 100th post! If it were a TV show, we’d be a syndication gold mine and you’d be watching back-to-back episodes of my stuff on the CW at 6:00 and 6:30 pm.

Okay, we’d also have worked about 100x as hard, and made actual money. But that’s neither here nor there. The point is I’ve now posted my special brand of nonsense 100 times for public consumption!

I thought a 100th post would be a good time to take a little walk down memory lane. One, it gives you a chance to see some highlights of posts you might have missed. Two, and more importantly, it’s easier than coming up with NEW funny stuff. Continue reading

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5 Easy Ways To Be A Good Kid (Or President)

All of the knowledge I needed to acquire, I acquired in my first year of formal education.

I had a much catchier first line for this post, but someone else copyrighted it. Stupid bastard.

Which brings me to my first lesson, incidentally!

1) Don’t call people names.

When you call people mean names, it hurts their feelings. And when their feelings are hurt, they are a lot less likely to listen to anything else you have to say. Making fun of someone’s size, calling them dishonest, or pulling a reference from an Elton John song all have the potential to make people mad and cause big problems for you! Continue reading

No Justice, No Peace. Or At Least No Football.

I want to boycott the NFL.

I want to put my money where my mouth is. Not like in a stripper way, but more like in the sense that I want my actions to match my values. Just to be clear, lest you think I am a stripper. I’m flattered, but I lack the balance to successfully pole dance in high heels. Don’t worry about how I know that. Continue reading

Hey Bubba, If The Icecaps Melt, There’ll Be Less Animals For You To Shoot.

Scientists tend to agree that climate change is happening, and humans are at least partially to blame.

Ask a liberal what they think, and you’ll likely hear something like this:

“Hang on, let me put down my non-GMO soy half-caff, fair trade, locally-sourced macchiato so I can gesticulate properly. Look, if 97% of scientists agree that we’re impacting our environment negatively, and there’s something we can do to reverse the damage, what’s the problem? We’ve only got one earth, and I want to leave a beautiful planet to my exceptional and gifted children, Namaste and Flax.” Continue reading

It’s Raining Rain (Not Men).

Why does the sun rise in the morning?

If you asked a caveman in 5000 BCE, he might say “ugh” and point at the horizon and his eye. That’s Caveman for “My ancestors died and now live in the sky, and they push the orange ball up every morning so we can see to hunt woolly mammoths.” He’d then hop on a brontosaurus and continue his work in a quarry.

Fast forward a bit, and you’d get answers like “the Good Lord’s divine providence shines upon us,” or other supernatural answers. They’d likely be burning someone at the stake, but they’d pause to kindly answer your question. Puritans were notoriously hospitable, always stopping whatever they were toiling at to greet a stranger. Then they’d get right back to toiling, lest the Lord smite them for sloth. Continue reading

For Republicans And Dogs, Fairness Only Works In One Direction.

Dogs have an innate sense of fairness, but there’s a catch. Or maybe a fetch, in this case.

Imagine you have two dogs. If you actually do have two dogs, you can skip that step. Everyone else, please follow instructions. For the sake of this exercise, we’ll call these doggos Pancho and Lefty.

Now, imagine you have two treats in your hands, and you tell the dogs to sit. They sit, and you give Lefty both treats. You don’t give Pancho anything. Continue reading

What Would Mattress Mack Do?

Joel Osteen, pastor of Lakewood Church in Houston, seems to have gotten caught on the wrong side of Hurricane Harvey.

For those of you who aren’t in tune with the goings on of Pastor Joel, let me give you the quick catch-up.

Joel Osteen is the son of John Osteen, a Texas televangelist and founder of Lakewood Church. When John died, his son Joel took over as the church’s leader. In the eighteen years since John’s death, Lakewood Church has grown tremendously in scope, bringing Joel fame and fortune along the way. Continue reading

3 Lessons From My Constant News Consumption

If you’re like me, you’ve been watching a lot of news lately. No one can really blame us. The proverbial shit has been hitting the proverbial fan.1

In the last few weeks, we’ve had a racially motivated riot in Charlottesville, Virginia, and a presidential mishandling of the same. And then poor Robert Lee got pulled off of broadcasting the Virginia Cavaliers home opener for fear we’d confuse him for a Civil War general.

To quote the late general, “What, I say, what in taahnation?!” I assume he said that at some point. He’d also likely point the stunning absence of Asian Civil War leaders’ statues in Charlottesville as a good indication that ESPN could have taken a gamble on this one. Continue reading

6 Frequently Asked Questions For “You Buncha Snowflake Libruls.”

America is a country of extremes. The flat expanse of the Great Plains gives way to the purple mountains’ majesty of the Rockies. Farmers, hedge fund managers, teachers, and factory workers all cheer for the same team of millionaires giving each other concussions. We’ve got the bet-it-all-on-black insanity of Las Vegas, and the hey-isn’t-that-that-one-guy-who-was-kinda-famous-in-1982 insanity of Branson, Missouri.

When it comes to politics, we’re no less extreme. And when it comes to lazy transitions, “when it comes to” is my favorite. Continue reading

General Obvious Denial & Major Disingenuous Pivot, CSA.

The Civil War was a pivotal moment in our nation’s history, and should not be forgotten. But it’s not the only pivotal moment. I’d like to suggest some other pivotal moments to which we should erect statues honoring the participants, lest we forget.

We should erect a statue honoring Senator Joseph McCarthy in front of the Capitol, so we remember there was a time Communists were everywhere, trying to infiltrate our society. Sure, he ruined people’s lives for political gain. But it’s an important part of our history that, quite frankly, I’m surprised we still remember, given the utter lack of statuary. Continue reading