I’m not a small person.
I mean physically. I am occasionally “small” in that I act like a child.
But my stature is anything but small. At 6’3”, I’m taller than 97.5% of the people in the United States. Interestingly, I’m taller than 99.2% of all people in China. This corroborates my experience at the Chinese market, where people often point up at me and exclaim, “Holy shit, that’s a tall white dude!” I can only assume that’s what they’re saying, though, because I don’t speak Mandarin. Continue reading
My name is Rickey, and I’m a garbage person.
You could interpret that any number of ways. You could think I mean that I’m a sanitation worker. Maybe you’re an elderly Yiddish woman and think I’m a golem.
Perhaps you’re from my old stompin’ grounds and think I’m telling you that I’m “white trash.” Look, just because I do my grocery shopping at a truck stop, and I do my Christmas shopping also at a truck stop, that doesn’t mean you can disparage my people. Continue reading
Once upon a time, a young man in Southern California named Warren prepared to go out for the evening. He was well dressed and excited for the prospect of attracting young ladies using his ostentatious displays of wealth.
However, such a blatant display of material excess in a socioeconomically disadvantaged area led a band of miscreants to view Warren as an easy mark. Before he could protect himself, he was attacked by this group of opportunistic robbers. Continue reading
Thanksgiving is tomorrow, which means a few things:
First, it means that you’re probably going to eat and drink more than you intended and regret the hell out of it. I recommend dropping a few Alka-Seltzers into some vodka to make a delicious holiday digestif. You’ll either feel better, won’t care, or both. Continue reading
Voting is the essential element of democracy. We all vote, and whoever gets the most votes wins the election. Right?
Well, let me be more specific. Whoever gets the most votes of every vote cast wins the election. You don’t need a majority of people to like you. You just need a majority of people who voice their opinion on you to like you.
Okay, let me be even more specific, because not everyone gets to vote. Whoever gets the most votes (1) of every vote cast (2) by non-felons (3) over the age of 18 (4) who can prove residency within the precinct wins the election. Continue reading
It’s November, so you know what that means! Besides gubernatorial elections, Guy Fawkes Day, and Veterans’ Day. Besides Movember, a.k.a. National Magnum P.I. Appreciation Month.
Those are all good guesses, but November means “the holidays” are officially upon us!
For a lot of us, Thanksgiving and Christmas are anything but the most wonderful time of the year. Rather, the holidays are an eight-week barrage of stress. Continue reading
Let’s say you’re a supporter of a professional football team. We’ll call them the Orangemen. Not the Syracuse Orangemen, since they’re just the “Orange” now. Same state though, just for consistency’s sake. The New York Orangemen.
A flamboyant, rich businessman sees an opportunity, swoops in and buys the team. His name is Ronald. Ronald Chump. Continue reading
“Never attempt to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig.” – Robert Heinlein.
Screw it – if I can’t teach the pig to sing, I’ll preach to the choir about these non-singing pigs we seem to have populating our country lately.
There’s a sickening anti-intellectualism in our country. Isaac Asimov said, “Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.'” Continue reading
There’s nothing especially courageous about saying Donald Trump is nuts. He is, objectively, the most narcissistic, unpredictable, and petulant man to ever hold the office of President of the United States. Sure, maybe “nuts” isn’t the right way to frame the man’s clearly evidenced personality deficiencies. But, in layman’s terms, Donald Trump is more than nuts. To paraphrase the Secretary of State, he’s “fucking nuts.”
Democrats have been saying Trump is insane and his followers are deplorable since he descended the golden escalator back in 2015. “Descend the golden escalator” sounds like a euphemism for something slimy, but in this case…well, it’s still slimy, just in a different way. Continue reading
It’s disrespectful to our troops to kneel during the national anthem, according to our president.
According to his example, here’s how you honor the troops like a good American: Continue reading