If This Were An Actual Emergency, I Wouldn’t Be Writing A Blog Post.

I don’t actually want most of the notifications I receive.

I rarely check the mail. I let my phone go to voicemail 90% of the time, and then I don’t actually check the voicemail. My inbox has 10,000+ emails in it at any time, most of which are unopened. Continue reading

The Drunken, Rapey Elephant In The Room

Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh has been accused of sexual assault.

The Republicans are lining up to dismiss, obfuscate, victim-blame, and otherwise do their Republican duty to be abject cockwaffles at every turn. I’ll give them this: they are insanely talented at it. The ability to choreograph such precise cockwafflery in unison deserves a round of applause, whether we like the actual cockwafflery or not. Continue reading

The Real, Self-Appointed MVP

Hi friends.

Through my diverse contacts in Washington, DC, I’ve obtained what might be a first draft of the now famous New York Times anonymous op-ed. It might be that. It also might be something other than that, e.g. something I pulled out of my ass in between doing shots of Sailor Jerry’s, watching The Rachel Maddow Show, and doing additional shots of Sailor Jerry’s.

But it might be a first draft. We can simply never know for sure.

Here it is: Continue reading

Life In Hot Water

I read a book a long time ago called 212°: The Extra Degree. You might have read it, especially if you work in a cubicle, since the book seems to be the number one “gifted” item in corporate America. The number two gifted item in corporate America? Set of steak knives. Third place is you’re fired.

I’ll sum it up for you: Continue reading

His Scale And Mirrors Are Rigged, Too.

Donald Trump thinks that Google is rigged against him because the top results on a web search of “trump news” are all from “left-leaning sources” (read: major news outlets).

First, I’ll ignore the fact that major news outlets (CNN, ABC News, The Washington Post, etc.) are simply more widely disseminated (and clicked), thus their articles show up higher in Google’s search results than those of less widely followed sites like InfoWars and Breitbart (links purposefully not here, because aw HELL no).

Second, I’ll leave to other articles the fact that journalists tend toward being more “liberal” because they are better educated and exposed to more diverse points of view than the average human. Continue reading

Singing Like A Soprano.

On Tuesday, Donald Trump’s long-time personal attorney Michael Cohen pled guilty to eight federal felony counts. Two counts were of particular interest, due to their implication of the President of the United States in criminal activity: counts seven and eight.

Count Seven relates to Mr. Cohen’s involvement in the hush money payment to former Playboy model Karen McDougal. Count Eight relates to Cohen’s involvement in the payoff of adult film actress Stormy Daniels.

While I deeply admire both women’s bodies of work, I want to take a deeper look at Count Seven today. Continue reading

Survey Says…This Show Sucks.

The Right in its current iteration is like the worst family you’ve ever seen play Family Feud. They’ll give idiotic answers that everyone knows are wrong. Rarely, they’ll land a correct answer, and the opposing Left Family will screw up just often enough to keep the Right Family in the game.

Steve Harvey will routinely meet their patently stupid answers with a confused, disappointed stare directly into the camera, followed by disproportionate amounts of raucous laughter and applause by the audience. Continue reading

Straight Outta Mar-A-Lago

It is possible that there exists a tape recording of the President of the United States using a racial epithet. And it’s likely that, if unearthed and played for the world to hear, it won’t matter in the slightest.

Note: I’m not talking about whether or not he said it. I’m certain he did. So is Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

I’m talking about whether someone recorded him saying it, and whether that recording will become public. Continue reading

Asbestos: I’ll Die On Whatever Hill I Choose.

I don’t like it when egghead scientists tell me what to do. What do those elite, East Coast liberals know about what it’s like here on the ground in flyover country? Thus, out of self-assured spite, I have filled my entire house with asbestos.

It was a hard task, what with all the unnecessary red tape and regulations making simple, American commerce so damned hard. Ever try to buy asbestos? The government has made it next to impossible, putting hard-working asbestos miners and salesmen out of work, and making filling my home with the so-called “carcinogen” a real pain in the ass. Continue reading

Life On The Surface Of The Sun

I grew up in the country, outside of a small town, which was itself on the outskirts of Houston. We lived in a doublewide trailer, sharing the land with yaupon bushes, pine trees, stray dogs, and mosquitos. Every summer, we’d gather around the ol’ thermostat and yell cuss words at it, in unison. It was the only time Ma would let us young’uns cuss.

Continue reading