Your Kid Will Be The Valedictorian (If You Homeschool Them).

Trigger warning: if you are homeschooling your child, you probably won’t like this article, because I’m about to make fun of you and your child. Please skip it, and go read something else. You’ve been warned.


For generations, “school” was the place where you sent your kids to get book learnin’. As a society, we decided back in 1892 or 1761 or something—I don’t know, I didn’t pay attention in history class—that we would benefit from having a literate populace that could count higher than the number of fingers they had. This became especially important during the Industrial Revolution, as people started losing fingers at never-before-seen rates. Continue reading

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“Does This Swastika Clash With My Yarmulke?” – The Jared Kushner Story

Money and power don’t matter as much to me as they matter to others. They still matter, don’t get me wrong. But I’m pretty unlikely to make a major life decision based primarily on money or power. I am not going to take a job I don’t want to do just because it pays really well or gives me influence.

I am less rash than I was when I was young. When I was a younger man, I would not hesitate to invoke the sacred words of the Most Reverend Doctor Johnny Paycheck, “Take This Job And Shove It.” To be fair, I’ve worked for numerous line bosses who got themselves a brand new flat top haircut who really thought they were cool.1 But as I’ve aged, I’ve realized that silly habits like “eating” and “not being homeless” are worth a little bit of sticking through a bad situation at work. Continue reading

If At First You Don’t Succeed, Join The Alt-Right.

White supremacists believe that white people are genetically and culturally superior to all other races.

For such a superior bunch, they seem to have ZERO cognitive dissonance in blaming others for their struggles.

Think about it:  If Usain Bolt was running against some painfully slow dude, e.g., the author of this article, it wouldn’t matter what “obstacles” I put in his way. I could give myself a 50-meter head start on the 100-meter dash, and he’d still beat me. I could put hurdles throughout, and he’d still whip me. He could have actual swine flu and outrun my porcine frame. Continue reading

I Wish I Could Say I Did Nazi This Coming.

Back in January, I wrote an article pleading with conservatives to draw a pre-emptive red line.  I asked them to conduct a thought experiment:  what could Donald Trump do that would be so bad, it would cost him your support?

TL;DR: Your political support of someone should not be unconditional. In fact, you should support ideals, and you should vote for the person who most closely embodies those ideals.  Support for a leader irrespective of his actions means you are not an ideological conservative. Rather, you are in cult of personality. Continue reading

The 5 Servers You’ll Meet In Heaven Or Chili’s, Whichever Has A Shorter Wait.

Recently, I told you about the five types of annoying customers that come to my restaurant. If you haven’t read those posts, you can read them here. Do it later (or not), as it’s not necessary for understanding this post.

As a customer, you endure the nonsense of other patrons when they are being inconsiderate. But that’s short-lived and rarely (if ever) affects your food or your service.  It’s annoying when someone takes 12 minutes to search through her duffel purse for a debit card, or lets his feral child run around the dining room.  It’s annoying, but nothing more.  I can handle being annoyed.  I’m going to eat my meal and leave.

What about when it’s the employees who are making your experience worse than it should be? Continue reading

It All Boils Down To This.

America is the most powerful nation in the world, by just about any measure.

We have an enormous military budget, bases and warships strategically scattered all over the globe, the most sophisticated weaponry, and diplomatic ties to allies that exponentially multiply our reach. We have the world’s largest economy, accounting for a full quarter of the entire world’s GDP, with only 4.4% of the world’s population.

Through humanitarian aid, we’ve saved millions of lives around the world. We’ve educated, fed, and healed people. Many other countries thrive because we helped them up, and now we’re standing there with a big stick right behind them. Continue reading

Proud Buford, Keep On Trollin’.

We have more opportunity to hear and be heard than we’ve ever had in human history.

We can join in on the global conversation through countless platforms – Facebook, twitter, Reddit, snapchat, or any number of sites that I’m too old and square to understand. Never in the history of man has it been easier to show our penises¹ to someone 10,000 miles away. We live in truly amazing times. Continue reading

To Compromise Is To Be Complicit.

Our country is becoming two separate families, and we don’t really like each other very much. Both families claim the same nation, but each has a very different understanding of why this country is here and, maybe more importantly, where it should be going.

My natural instinct, believe it or not, is to find common ground and seek ways to move forward together. I’m a peacemaker, not an ideologue. There’s ample room for compromise in almost every situation. Continue reading

This Job Would Be Easier If It Wasn’t For All Of These Customers, Part 5

Welcome back! If you’ve been following along, we’ve gotten through four types of people who make working/dining at a restaurant less enjoyable than it could be. We’ve also gotten through all of that if you haven’t been following along. Our progress is not dependent on you. Rein in your ego, okay?

But if you landed here and want to read Part 1, Part 2, or Part 3, click away and come back. You don’t have to, as this one stands alone, but it might be more fun if you read the first three.

The last category is sort of a catch-all. There are lots of little behaviors that can all be explained by people’s lack of consideration for their fellow humans. Continue reading

This Job Would Be Easier If It Wasn’t For All Of These Customers, Parts 3 & 4.

Hi friends, today continues our earth-shattering series on people who annoy me as I go about my job. I do the dirty work of writing a bunch of words in a particular order so you don’t have to. It’s my small contribution to the tapestry of the human experience. Also, I like making fun of people, so there’s that.

If you’re seeing this without the benefit of having read Part 1 and Part 2, click on the links and go read them. This isn’t a Choose Your Own Adventure book, alright? Although that would be kind of cool. Click here if you think I should write a Choose Your Own Adventure blog. Click here if you think I should stick to writing the nonsense I already write. Continue reading