It’s My God-Given Right To Marginalize Your Dumb Ass For Being A Gun-Nut.

Every time a mass shooting happens, I chime in with my predictable spare change:

“You can’t have an Apache helicopter or an M1 Abrams tank, so why not move that sensible line to say you can’t have [insert whatever we decide on here] either?”

“Your rights end where they infringe on my rights…including my right to live through a day at school.”

“You’re afraid of tyranny, and you plan to stop its rise with a semi-automatic rifle? I’d like to introduce you to my friends, the United States Marine Corps. They’re going to calmly and efficiently kill all of you on Day 1 of the coup.” Continue reading

I’m The Most Forgiven Person Ever, Believe Me.

According to Tony Perkins, the head of the Family Research Council, Donald Trump gets a mulligan for his indiscretions with adult film star Stormy “My Parents Didn’t Name Me ‘Stormy Daniels’” Daniels.

Fun fact: that might be the first time in history a person’s nickname required both single and double quotation marks. You need to understand, I’m an innovator. That’s why they need to stop calling me Rickey “No One Calls Me ‘Innovator’” Dobbs.

Who’s “they,” you ask? Do the words, “secret society,” mean anything to you?! Get woke, friends. And shook. And other words in the wrong tense for some reason. Continue reading

Hold For Disingenuous Applause.

Friends, don’t ask me how I’ve done it, but I’ve managed to get advance copy of Donald Trump’s State of the Union address. I know, you’re thinking, “yeah, right – there’s no way Donald Trump actually wrote something down.” I was as surprised as you. I was sure that his impromptu, rambling nature was a ploy to divert us from his “a very special Facts of Life” reality of being illiterate, but not wanting Tootie and Mrs. Garrett to find out. I was wrong. The reality, however, might be even scarier.

“Thank you, thank you.

Mr. Vice President, Mr. Speaker, it is my distinct honor to address this assembly to deliver my remarks on the State of the Union. Continue reading

Coming In At An Unbelievable 239 Pounds…

I’m not a small person.

I mean physically. I am occasionally “small” in that I act like a child.

But my stature is anything but small. At 6’3”, I’m taller than 97.5% of the people in the United States. Interestingly, I’m taller than 99.2% of all people in China. This corroborates my experience at the Chinese market, where people often point up at me and exclaim, “Holy shit, that’s a tall white dude!” I can only assume that’s what they’re saying, though, because I don’t speak Mandarin. Continue reading

I’m a Garbage Person.

My name is Rickey, and I’m a garbage person.

You could interpret that any number of ways. You could think I mean that I’m a sanitation worker. Maybe you’re an elderly Yiddish woman and think I’m a golem.

Perhaps you’re from my old stompin’ grounds and think I’m telling you that I’m “white trash.” Look, just because I do my grocery shopping at a truck stop, and I do my Christmas shopping also at a truck stop, that doesn’t mean you can disparage my people. Continue reading

The Fable of The Wordsmith and The Bard.

Once upon a time, a young man in Southern California named Warren prepared to go out for the evening. He was well dressed and excited for the prospect of attracting young ladies using his ostentatious displays of wealth.

However, such a blatant display of material excess in a socioeconomically disadvantaged area led a band of miscreants to view Warren as an easy mark. Before he could protect himself, he was attacked by this group of opportunistic robbers. Continue reading

5 Steps To Make Thanksgiving Great Again

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, which means a few things:

First, it means that you’re probably going to eat and drink more than you intended and regret the hell out of it. I recommend dropping a few Alka-Seltzers into some vodka to make a delicious holiday digestif. You’ll either feel better, won’t care, or both. Continue reading

If You Ain’t Rigging Democracy, You Ain’t Trying.

Voting is the essential element of democracy. We all vote, and whoever gets the most votes wins the election. Right?

Well, let me be more specific. Whoever gets the most votes of every vote cast wins the election. You don’t need a majority of people to like you. You just need a majority of people who voice their opinion on you to like you.

Okay, let me be even more specific, because not everyone gets to vote. Whoever gets the most votes (1) of every vote cast (2) by non-felons (3) over the age of 18 (4) who can prove residency within the precinct wins the election. Continue reading

7 Ways To De-Stress Your Holidays

It’s November, so you know what that means! Besides gubernatorial elections, Guy Fawkes Day, and Veterans’ Day. Besides Movember, a.k.a. National Magnum P.I. Appreciation Month.

Those are all good guesses, but November means “the holidays” are officially upon us!

For a lot of us, Thanksgiving and Christmas are anything but the most wonderful time of the year. Rather, the holidays are an eight-week barrage of stress. Continue reading

Personal Foul, Unstatesmanlike Conduct, Number 45.

Let’s say you’re a supporter of a professional football team. We’ll call them the Orangemen. Not the Syracuse Orangemen, since they’re just the “Orange” now. Same state though, just for consistency’s sake. The New York Orangemen.

A flamboyant, rich businessman sees an opportunity, swoops in and buys the team. His name is Ronald. Ronald Chump. Continue reading