If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Delegitimize ‘Em

For decades, our country’s love of football has crossed political, socioeconomic, and generational lines.

And by “football,” I mean the game played on a gridiron with a prolate spheroid inflated leather ball. The athletic contest that requires gladiatorial equipment to protect the players from gruesome injuries. The sport where the players incur gruesome injuries anyway when they’re hit by people in gladiatorial equipment. The spectacle that’s played in North America and literally nowhere else…except of course when we trot it overseas to play in front of wide-eyed people with no earthly clue as to what is happening on the field. The game George Will once perfectly described as “violence punctuated by committee meetings.” Continue reading

Bad Stuff Is Probably Happening Somewhere

Bad stuff happens everywhere. I don’t mean “bad stuff” like getting in a fender bender. Or even really bad stuff like your Internet crapping out in the middle of streaming your seventh consecutive episode of This Is How To Get Away With A Million Little Scandals With The Stars: Miami.

No, I’m talking about Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse-level bad stuff. Continue reading

What’s Your End Game?

What happens when you don’t get your way? When you get mad, and then act upon that anger, what is your goal? What would make you happy again, or at least not mad anymore? What is your end game?

Let’s say you go out to dinner. The experience is sub par, and you feel strongly that you didn’t get your money’s worth of food or service. So, on your way home, you whip out your phone and fire off a scathing Yelp review. You disparage the restaurant and its staff for the rest of the universe to see. That’ll teach ‘em!

But what’s your end game? Continue reading

Time To Grow Up, Boys

I’m noticing a lot of surface-level, clichéd “masculinity” being bandied about lately.

Maybe our current polarizing political climate is to blame. Perhaps it’s just because I’ve been more attuned to it recently.

Or maybe it’s because “everyone these days are weak little momma’s boys who need a swift steel-toed work boot to the rear end,” according to one angry dude’s comment on my Twitter feed.

 Whatever it is, it’s time for real men to defend real masculinity against those who would seek to define it by its most stereotypical tropes. And we shall defend it with BRUTE FORCE! *adjusts crotch and spits on the ground.

Damn, no, scratch that. Sorry. Continue reading

Halloween Costumes For Snarky Bastards Like You

It’s almost time for everyone’s favorite day filled with fright and dread! No, not Election Day. No, not the end of Daylight Savings Time, though if the end of Daylight Savings Time fills you with fright and dread, you should likely seek therapy. Those are good guesses (they are not really good guesses, I’m just patronizing you), but nope…I’m talking about Halloween!

Halloween is a chance for kids of all ages to go to parties, cut loose, and eat a lot of candy. Of course, if you’re going to be out on the hunt for fun, you have to wear a great costume. Continue reading

California Is Hella Stoked It’s Not Mississippi.

I have lived in a few different places around our great nation. I was born in Texas, where I lived until I realized I was allowed to leave.1 Then, I fled to Las Vegas. Las Vegas was amazing for my career; so amazing, in fact, it got me promoted and relocated to Northern California. I lived in the Bay Area for four years before life took me eastward to the DC area, where I am today.

California was—hands down—my favorite place I’ve ever lived. Which is why I never understand conservative America’s obsession with using California as the proxy for all things terrible. If you ask the average deplorable, they’ll tell you that California is just one big liberal, hyper-politically-correct, Marxist brunch, complete with bottomless mimosas, hosted by a drag queen version of Nancy Pelosi named, incidentally, Fancy P. Losi.

To be fair, I would probably enjoy such a brunch. So maybe that explains it thoroughly. Blog over. Fin. Continue reading

Kavanaugh: Drunken Elephant In The Room

Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh has been accused of sexual assault.

The Republicans are lining up to dismiss, obfuscate, victim-blame, and otherwise do their Republican duty to be abject cockwaffles at every turn. I’ll give them this: they are insanely talented at it. The ability to choreograph such precise cockwafflery in unison deserves a round of applause, whether we like the actual cockwafflery or not. Continue reading

The Real, Self-Appointed MVP

Hi friends.

Through my diverse contacts in Washington, DC, I’ve obtained what might be a first draft of the now famous New York Times anonymous op-ed. It might be that. It also might be something other than that, e.g. something I pulled out of my ass in between doing shots of Sailor Jerry’s, watching The Rachel Maddow Show, and doing additional shots of Sailor Jerry’s.

But it might be a first draft. We can simply never know for sure.

Here it is: Continue reading