Police have a tough job.
It’s not a particularly high-paying career, especially starting out. You’re expected to deal with people who dislike and distrust you for no good reason, other than that you’re an authority figure. The work is physically demanding and mentally stressful, and there’s a chance you’ll get shot in the line of duty.
Sorry, did I say police? This was supposed to be my description for teacher. I’ve been doing this for 26 years, and I “accidentally” drew one rhetorical weapon when I meant to grab another. But I guess this works pretty well for cops, too.
It seems that cops are getting a bad rap lately, and while we can debate the reason, one possibility is their propensity to kill unarmed people.
While I can’t personally fix that, I can sell you some rhetorical ammunition without a thorough background check. Use the ideas here for your next family dinner, Reddit conversation, or wherever else you might encounter a bootlicker on whom you’d like to viciously dunk.
I’ve done it. I have invented a machine that gives you the power to change your race.
I know! I am as surprised as you are, given my complete lack of scientific and technical knowledge.
But now, with the mere push of a button, you will no longer remain confined to the skin color, hair texture, or facial features assigned by your DNA. Please mail my Nobel Prize and large cash award at your earliest convenience.
Want to try it out?
Gun violence is rampant, and other than restricting access to firearms — an absolute nonstarter — there’s simply nothing we can do about it. Not a single sensible answer exists. Which is why we have to abandon sensibility, and latch on to some good ol’ fashioned American hardscrabble ingenuity.
We have to start killing our own children.
Every time a mass shooting happens, I chime in with my predictable spare change:
“You can’t have an Apache helicopter or an M1 Abrams tank, so why not move that sensible line to say you can’t have [insert whatever we decide on here] either?”
“Your rights end where they infringe on my rights…including my right to live through a day at school.”
“You’re afraid of tyranny, and you plan to stop its rise with a semi-automatic rifle? I’d like to introduce you to my friends, the United States Marine Corps. While you’re shooting at them, they’re going to calmly and efficiently kill all of you on Day 1 of the coup.” Continue reading
Addicts give excuses. Constantly.
They rationalize and let themselves off the hook as a means of coping with objectively harmful behavior. They split hairs and insist that no broader conclusion can be drawn from their most recent specific episode. Some throw up their hands and declare that the status quo is the best possible outcome. Some blame anyone and anything they can to avoid taking actual, personal responsibility for the problem. Continue reading
Yesterday’s shooting in Alexandria, Virginia, happened less than a mile from my house. In fact, it happened at the city park complex where I take my dog three or four times a week. My girlfriend took our nephew there the day before.
Listen, bad things happen. I’m not Pollyanna. I don’t expect to create complete and total insulation from the possibility of harm. It’s an exchange: we trade away security for increased freedom. I want as much freedom for as many people as possible, without putting myself and my loved ones in harm’s way. Continue reading
Generally speaking, Christian folks who are against legal access to abortion refer to themselves as “pro-life.” That term has always struck me as a little obvious. Honestly, everyone who is not a mass-murderer or suicidal is, by definition, in favor of life.
Christians, of course, mean to say they are “anti-abortion.” They use the term “pro-life” to invite a subconscious contrast as if the opposition is “anti-life.”
Those who are “pro-choice” do exactly the same thing. Very few people would sign up if offered the chance to give away their free will and volition with regard to their own journeys. They, however, want to frame the identity of their anti-legal abortion counterparts on the right as being “anti-choice.”
It’s hard to honestly call Christians “pro-life,” based on the correlation between having a strong Christian self-identity and a myriad of inherently anti-life stances. Continue reading
Let me preface what I’m about to write with a caveat: I don’t have a daughter. I don’t have children at all. At least not human children. I have a four-legged permatoddler (dog) named Lemmy. But you’ll be relieved to know that there are no little Rickeys running around, and for that, you should all take a moment to thank the deity of your choice.
Caveat issued. Now onto the part that will piss some of you off.
Hey dads with daughters, I’d like to bend your ear for a second. Continue reading