These Are The People In Your Neighborhood. Sorry.

Every year, the Kennedy Center Honors are awarded to venerable artists in the United States for lifetime achievement and impact on American culture.

I check my mailbox once or twice a year in the hopes I’ll be recognized. Truth be told, I really just want a cool rainbow medallion. I could probably save a lot of time and money with a trip to Michael’s, versus all that “honing my generational talent into a marketable craft” crap. Not to mention I could stop checking my mail outright. I never get anything, except Bed Bath & Beyond coupons and angry letters from debt collectors. Exactly how do you propose I catch up on my bills when Bed Bath & Beyond has such great deals AND an extra 20% off? It’s a vicious cycle. Get off my back, Visa.

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To Tell The Truth, I’m Obviously Lying

Plausible deniability is a crucial component of any ongoing violation of laws or norms. If you’re going to intentionally engage in nefarious deeds, you have to have your story straight for when the eventual scrutiny (such as, let’s say, impeachment) comes.

That which you are straightening is indeed a “story” because it is, by definition, not a true reckoning of whatever drug deal you’re up to. It is at best a quasi-believable version of events that counts on the listener giving you the benefit of the doubt. At worst, it’s a thinly veiled lie.

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Survey Says…This Show Sucks.

The Right in its current iteration is like the worst family you’ve ever seen play Family Feud. They’ll give idiotic answers that everyone knows are wrong. Rarely, they’ll land a correct answer, and the opposing Left Family will screw up just often enough to keep the Right Family in the game.

Steve Harvey will routinely meet their patently stupid answers with a confused, disappointed stare directly into the camera, followed by disproportionate amounts of raucous laughter and applause by the audience. Continue reading

Six Things You Should Stop Doing Because They Annoy Me

Blame it on my seasonal allergies. Or maybe it’s my various ailments attributable to age-related wear and tear. Mostly wear, but no significant tears. For that, I am grateful, as getting torn sounds quite painful.

Perhaps I just suppress my rage, and it’s bubbling out of my assorted head-holes now. But I’m feeling that familiar “I’d like to punch a baby right in its adorable pudgy face” feeling that I get now and then. Continue reading

Give Me Liberty, Or Give Me…Slightly Less Liberty.

Literally every right we have comes with limits.

We have the right to free speech, yet I can’t libel people. I can’t (legally) threaten people with bodily harm. I can most definitely use inflammatory rhetoric, but I can’t use it to incite violence without facing criminal charges. I can’t yell obscenities outside at 3 am, apparently. I have first-hand knowledge about that last one, courtesy of the Houston Police Department and some pissed-off neighbors circa 2000. Continue reading

The Fable of The Wordsmith and The Bard.

Once upon a time, a young man in Southern California named Warren prepared to go out for the evening. He was well dressed and excited for the prospect of attracting young ladies using his ostentatious displays of wealth.

However, such a blatant display of material excess in a socioeconomically disadvantaged area led a band of miscreants to view Warren as an easy mark. Before he could protect himself, he was attacked by this group of opportunistic robbers. Continue reading

Democracy: If You Ain’t Rigging It, You Ain’t Trying.

Voting is the essential element of democracy. We all vote, and whoever gets the most votes wins the election. Right?

Well, let me be more specific. Whoever gets the most votes of every vote cast wins the election. You don’t need a majority of people to like you in a democracy. You just need a majority of people who voice their opinion on you to like you.

Okay, let me be even more specific, because not everyone gets to vote, at least not in our sort of democracy. Whoever gets the most votes (1) of every vote cast (2) by non-felons (3) over the age of 18 (4) who can prove residency within the precinct wins the election. Continue reading

7 Ways To De-Stress Your Holidays

It’s November, so you know what that means! Besides elections, Guy Fawkes Day, and Veterans’ Day. Besides Movember, a.k.a. National Magnum P.I. Appreciation Month.

Those are all good guesses, but November means “the holidays” are officially upon us!

For a lot of us, Thanksgiving and Christmas are anything but the most wonderful time of the year. Rather, the holidays are an eight-week barrage of stress. Continue reading

The League Of Extraordinary Former Invertebrates

There’s nothing especially courageous about saying Donald Trump is nuts. He is, objectively, the most narcissistic, unpredictable, and petulant man to ever hold the office of President of the United States. Sure, maybe “nuts” isn’t the right way to frame the man’s clearly evidenced personality deficiencies. But, in layman’s terms, Donald Trump is more than nuts. To paraphrase the Secretary of State, he’s “fucking nuts.”

Democrats have been saying Trump is insane and his followers are deplorable since he descended the golden escalator back in 2015. “Descend the golden escalator” sounds like a euphemism for something slimy, but in this case…well, it’s still slimy, just in a different way. Continue reading