The Fable of The Wordsmith and The Bard.

Once upon a time, a young man in Southern California named Warren prepared to go out for the evening. He was well dressed and excited for the prospect of attracting young ladies using his ostentatious displays of wealth.

However, such a blatant display of material excess in a socioeconomically disadvantaged area led a band of miscreants to view Warren as an easy mark. Before he could protect himself, he was attacked by this group of opportunistic robbers. Continue reading

Democracy: If You Ain’t Rigging It, You Ain’t Trying.

Voting is the essential element of democracy. We all vote, and whoever gets the most votes wins the election. Right?

Well, let me be more specific. Whoever gets the most votes of every vote cast wins the election. You don’t need a majority of people to like you in a democracy. You just need a majority of people who voice their opinion on you to like you.

Okay, let me be even more specific because not everyone gets to vote, at least not in our sort of democracy. Whoever gets the most votes (1) of every vote cast (2) by non-felons (3) over the age of 18 (4) who can prove residency within the precinct wins the election. Continue reading

7 Ways To De-Stress Your Holidays

It’s November, so you know what that means! Besides elections, Guy Fawkes Day, and Veterans’ Day. Besides Movember, a.k.a. National Magnum P.I. Appreciation Month.

Those are all good guesses, but November means “the holidays” are officially upon us!

For a lot of us, Thanksgiving and Christmas are anything but the most wonderful time of the year. Rather, the holidays are an eight-week barrage of stress. Continue reading

The League Of Extraordinary Former Invertebrates

There’s nothing especially courageous about saying Donald Trump is nuts. He is, objectively, the most narcissistic, unpredictable, and petulant man to ever hold the office of President of the United States. Sure, maybe “nuts” isn’t the right way to frame the man’s clearly evidenced personality deficiencies. But, in layman’s terms, Donald Trump is more than nuts. To paraphrase the Secretary of State, he’s “fucking nuts.”

Democrats have been saying Trump is insane and his followers are deplorable since he descended the golden escalator back in 2015. “Descend the golden escalator” sounds like a euphemism for something slimy, but in this case…well, it’s still slimy, just in a different way. Continue reading

If We’re All Dead, How Will We Make America Great Again?

I recently wrote about Donald Trump’s superhuman ability to completely insulate his psyche from both precedent and consequence. His deftness at detachment is, in fact, so advanced and so natural, I questioned if he might be an unknowing reincarnated Buddha. It’s an especially compelling argument when you consider that his skin is orange, and he shares a common physique with statuary Chinese restaurants’ entrances. Continue reading

The Buddha In The White House

We hear a lot about the idea of mindfulness. The most developed people are mindful. Oprah is mindful. That has to count for something, because she’s Oprah. Quod erat demonstrandum.

“Mindfulness” is the state of being totally present in the moment. A mindful man is not worried about what transpired yesterday. A mindful woman is not thinking about what she has to do tomorrow. A mindful person is living in the now, fully experiencing now with 100% of their consciousness. Some people utilize meditation to great effect in returning their scattered thoughts to center. The act of sitting attentively, but attending to nothing, is more powerful than its inherent inaction would indicate. Continue reading

Don’t Get Mad AT Them, Get Mad WITH Them.

Hey rabid, angry Trump supporters, I have a question for you all:

What does it say about you that when African-American men protest police violence, you take it personally? Assuming you’re not a violent policeman yourself, don’t you find your vitriolic response to be an indictment of your own complicity in the problem they’re protesting? Continue reading

I Had 99 Posts But Now I Have 100.

Well, friends, this post is a milestone. Believe it or not, this is Hitting The Trifecta’s 100th post! If it were a TV show, we’d be a syndication gold mine and you’d be watching back-to-back episodes of my stuff on the CW at 6:00 and 6:30 pm.

Okay, we’d also have worked about 100x as hard, and made actual money. But that’s neither here nor there. The point is I’ve now posted my special brand of nonsense 100 times for public consumption!

I thought a 100th post would be a good time to take a little walk down memory lane. One, it gives you a chance to see some highlights of posts you might have missed. Two, and more importantly, it’s easier than coming up with NEW funny stuff. Continue reading

5 Easy Ways To Be A Good Kid (Or President)

All of the knowledge I needed to acquire, I acquired in my first year of formal education.

I had a much catchier first line for this post, but someone else copyrighted it. Stupid bastard.

Which brings me to my first lesson, incidentally!

1) Don’t call people names.

When you call people mean names, it hurts their feelings. And when their feelings are hurt, they are a lot less likely to listen to anything else you have to say. Making fun of someone’s size, calling them dishonest, or pulling a reference from an Elton John song all have the potential to make people mad and cause big problems for you! Continue reading

Hey Bubba, If The Icecaps Melt, There’ll Be Less Animals For You To Shoot.

Scientists tend to agree that climate change is happening, and humans are at least partially to blame.

Ask a liberal what they think, and you’ll likely hear something like this:

“Hang on, let me put down my non-GMO soy half-caff, fair trade, locally-sourced macchiato so I can gesticulate properly. Look, if 97% of scientists agree that we’re impacting our environment negatively, and there’s something we can do to reverse the damage, what’s the problem? We’ve only got one earth, and I want to leave a beautiful planet to my exceptional and gifted children, Namaste and Flax.” Continue reading