If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Delegitimize ‘Em

For decades, our country’s love of football has crossed political, socioeconomic, and generational lines.

And by “football,” I mean the game played on a gridiron with a prolate spheroid inflated leather ball. The athletic contest that requires gladiatorial equipment to protect the players from gruesome injuries. The sport where the players incur gruesome injuries anyway when they’re hit by people in gladiatorial equipment. The spectacle that’s played in North America and literally nowhere else…except of course when we trot it overseas to play in front of wide-eyed people with no earthly clue as to what is happening on the field. The game George Will once perfectly described as “violence punctuated by committee meetings.” Continue reading

Bad Stuff Is Probably Happening Somewhere

Bad stuff happens everywhere. I don’t mean “bad stuff” like getting in a fender bender. Or even really bad stuff like your Internet crapping out in the middle of streaming your seventh consecutive episode of This Is How To Get Away With A Million Little Scandals With The Stars: Miami.

No, I’m talking about Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse-level bad stuff. Continue reading

Straight Outta Mar-A-Lago

It is possible that there exists a tape recording of the President of the United States using a racial epithet. And it’s likely that, if unearthed and played for the world to hear, it won’t matter in the slightest.

Note: I’m not talking about whether or not he said it. I’m certain he did. So is Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

I’m talking about whether someone recorded him saying it, and whether that recording will become public. Continue reading

Next Infrastructure Week, Let’s Pave The Road To Hell.

They say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.  I am not sure who “they” are but they make an excellent point.

Acting on one’s good intentions, such as giving advice in the form of proverbs, can have unintended negative consequences.

President George W. Bush wanted to improve America’s public schools. As a well-heeled, conservative businessman, he believed that if students could just move to Connecticut and go to expensive prep schools, we’d get a double benefit: better education and deeper bench strength for the U.S. yachting team. Continue reading

5 Easy Ways To Be A Good Kid (Or President)

All of the knowledge I needed to acquire, I acquired in my first year of formal education.

I had a much catchier first line for this post, but someone else copyrighted it. Stupid bastard.

Which brings me to my first lesson, incidentally!

1) Don’t call people names.

When you call people mean names, it hurts their feelings. And when their feelings are hurt, they are a lot less likely to listen to anything else you have to say. Making fun of someone’s size, calling them dishonest, or pulling a reference from an Elton John song all have the potential to make people mad and cause big problems for you! Continue reading

3 Lessons From My Constant News Consumption

If you’re like me, you’ve been watching a lot of news lately. No one can really blame us. The proverbial shit has been hitting the proverbial fan.1

In the last few weeks, we’ve had a racially motivated riot in Charlottesville, Virginia, and a presidential mishandling of the same. And then poor Robert Lee got pulled off of broadcasting the Virginia Cavaliers home opener for fear we’d confuse him for a Civil War general.

To quote the late general, “What, I say, what in taahnation?!” I assume he said that at some point. He’d also likely point the stunning absence of Asian Civil War leaders’ statues in Charlottesville as a good indication that ESPN could have taken a gamble on this one. Continue reading

6 FAQ’s For “You Buncha Snowflake Libruls.”

America is a country of extremes. The flat expanse of the Great Plains gives way to the purple mountains’ majesty of the Rockies. Farmers, hedge fund managers, teachers, and factory workers all cheer for the same team of millionaires giving each other concussions. We’ve got the bet-it-all-on-black insanity of Las Vegas, and the hey-isn’t-that-that-one-guy-who-was-kinda-famous-in-1982 insanity of Branson, Missouri.

When it comes to politics, we’re no less extreme. And when it comes to lazy transitions, “when it comes to” is my favorite. Continue reading

Does This Swastika Clash With My Yarmulke?

Money and power don’t matter as much to me as they matter to others. They still matter, don’t get me wrong. But I’m pretty unlikely to make a major life decision based primarily on money or power. I am not going to take a job I don’t want to do just because it pays really well or gives me influence.

I am less rash than I was when I was young. When I was a younger man, I would not hesitate to invoke the sacred words of the Most Reverend Doctor Johnny Paycheck, “Take This Job And Shove It.” To be fair, I’ve worked for numerous line bosses who got themselves a brand new flat top haircut who really thought they were cool.1 But as I’ve aged, I’ve realized that silly habits like “eating” and “not being homeless” are worth a little bit of sticking through a bad situation at work. Continue reading

I Wish I Could Say I Did Nazi This Coming.

Back in January, I wrote an article pleading with conservatives to draw a pre-emptive red line.  I asked them to conduct a thought experiment:  what could Donald Trump do that would be so bad, it would cost him your support?

TL;DR: Your political support of someone should not be unconditional. In fact, you should support ideals, and you should vote for the person who most closely embodies those ideals.  Support for a leader irrespective of his actions means you are not an ideological conservative. Rather, you are in cult of personality. Continue reading