We live in a dangerous country. Would it surprise you to
learn that the United States has a whopping 100% mortality rate? And it’s
projected to remain the same for the foreseeable future. Sad!
According to anecdotes relayed by the President of the
United States on national television this week, the scariest source of our
countrymen’s fate is undocumented
immigrants. From what I can glean from memes posted by racist senior
citizens on “the Facebook,” more Americans are killed by immigrants than by every other cause of death combined.
Okay, that seems
unlikely, I’ll admit it. But when has your Aunt Gertrude, an angry 80-year-old
woman who hasn’t worked outside the home nor left her Midwestern hometown in the
last 20 years, ever steered us wrong? Remember 9/11? Well, Gertie said on 9/12
that she’d “always been suspicious of the Moslems,” and I’ll be damned if she
didn’t hit the mark with that shotgun spray of post-hoc accusation.
This just in: Aunt Gertrude never said anything about it at
the time, but she never liked that guy you just broke up with, either.
Given our President’s inference that we should fear people
from other countries, I decided to investigate all of the ways that people in
our country find themselves taking long naps on the underside of the terrain. Imagine
my confusion when I discovered that, at best guess, only 456
people per year die at the hands of undocumented immigrants!
Now before you go saying, “any murder is a tragedy, and the
murderers shouldn’t have even been here!”
keep in mind that the overall number of homicides in the US is about 18,624 per
year. In other words, if you’re going to get whacked, you’re 40 times more likely to get whacked by a
fellow American. That’s why I avoid each of you at all costs, just to be safe. USA!
I was also shocked to learn how many ways to die are more
common than “gittin’ kilt by a got-dang furriner whilst on mah way down to the
And because I cherry picked the hell out of this list for
maximum shock value, you should prepare to be shocked, too!