I’m The Most Forgiven Person Ever, Believe Me.

According to Tony Perkins, the head of the Family Research Council, Donald Trump gets a mulligan for his indiscretions with adult film star Stormy “My Parents Didn’t Name Me ‘Stormy Daniels’” Daniels.

Fun fact: that might be the first time in history a person’s nickname required both single and double quotation marks. You need to understand, I’m an innovator. That’s why they need to stop calling me Rickey “No One Calls Me ‘Innovator’” Dobbs.

Who’s “they,” you ask? Do the words, “secret society,” mean anything to you?! Get woke, friends. And shook. And other words in the wrong tense for some reason.

Way back in ancient times—2006—societal norms were utterly different than they are today. It was a time when a 59-year-old man could keep trading in his wives for new models (literally) without remorse or public scrutiny.

It was an era when modern impediments to carousing like “I’m married,” or “I have a 4-month-old son at home,” or “I’m terribly afraid of sharks,” wouldn’t slow a randy middle-aged frozen steak tycoon from grabbing his prey. It’s just the way it was back then, and to judge a man by today’s standards is patently unfair.

By the standards of the day, the thrice-married Trump was just doing what thrice-married dudes did back then: opportunistically shtupping porn stars while his fifth child by a third different woman was learning to sit up and hold his own bottle.

It might sound terribly unethical, cruelly self-centered, and even unforgiveable to your modern ears, but that’s because you aren’t a Christian evangelical leader. If you were a Christian evangelical leader, you’d understand that this is a great opportunity to demonstrate Christ’s commandment to forgive.

Sure, Trump didn’t ask for forgiveness in the “traditional” way, like by using “words” or “actions” or “wildly frenetic scattershot thoughts similar to those of a third grader on cocaine.”

And sure, he paid Ms. Daniels $130,000 from his campaign funds to keep quiet about her previous explorations of Trump’s tower.

And of course, Mr. Trump and his surrogates derided Hillary Clinton constantly for her forgiveness of Bill’s “direct oversight” of White House interns (get it? Like he was directly over…aw come on, you get it). Oh, and they used her forgiveness to implicate her in evils ranging from killing Vince Foster to running a child sex trafficking ring from a pizza shop.

And yeah, Donnie routinely announced Barack Obama’s calm, measured, “when they go low, we go high,” ethos as mere cowardice unworthy of an American leader. Did you know that Obama doesn’t even have truck nutz hanging from his back bumper? What a pussy.

Now, it may seem to the average person that a man who has who has constantly violated every woman norm in his path has no interest in suddenly seeking forgiveness. People who deem themselves “successful” generally attribute their success to their own way of being.

 

trump golf

“Where’s the cart girl? I need a Diet Coke. Do they make golf gloves that you can tweet with? Is there a McDonald’s near here? You guys told Melania I was working, right?”

Stated differently, successful assholes are quick to assume that “being an asshole” is the key to success. If you’ve been a womanizing, double-dealing, pathologically lying asshole for 71 years, but you’ve made a lot of money being that way—and now you’ve been elected President by being that way—why would anyone assume you’d genuinely seek forgiveness?

And why would evangelical preachers try to sell millions of their religion’s adherents to such illogical nonsense?

Why would preachers like Tony Perkins impute to The Donald a request for forgiveness?

The answer is simple: they’re total fucking assholes it’s hard for humans to participate in knowing, blatant cognitive dissonance. It’s hard for humans to simultaneously hold two conflicting thoughts in their fabulously complex combed-over heads.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Christians and Republicans are notorious for swimming in cognitive dissonance! They’re anti-abortion AND anti-welfare. They are pro-death penalty AND anti-right to die. They’re anti-LGBTQ AND they routinely get caught appropriating their omnibus packages into same-sex stopgaps down at the airport bathroom.

Therein lies the rub. No, besides the rub at the airport bathroom. I mean the “the rub” in the Hamletian sense.

Christians and Republicans avoid the cognitive dissonance problem by rationalizing conflicting thoughts into peacefully coexisting ones.

It’s okay to believe abortion should be illegal if you also believe the majority of those seeking abortions are others doing so for immoral, unethical, shortsighted reasons. And when your own daughter gets knocked up at 15…well that’s different, because she’s a good girl, she’s just not ready and Jesus will forgive her, and we’ll never speak of this again.

It’s okay to deny terminal patients the right to choose a death with dignity if you believe the Good Lord has a plan for everyone, and it’s not their place to play God. And when you sign a Do Not Resuscitate order for your comatose Granddad because “that’s what he would have wanted,” when you elect to stop chemo and live out your days at home, and when your son’s mental illness ends in his express trip from the Golden Gate Bridge to the San Francisco Bay, don’t worry. That was all part of the Good Lord’s plan, you’ll all be together in Heaven. As for those other folks trying to take the easy way out, they need to be patient in the Lord.

And it might just be okay to tout “family values” while the leader of your pays hush money to porn stars if you believe he’s ordained by God to bring about the changes you believe God wants.

But God chose a worldly, unrepentant, objectively terrible human being? How? Why? Why not choose someone pure of heart with a huge following, like Ellen, for example?

Tony Perkins knows the linchpin of accepting that lies in a uniquely American, Christian doctrine: anyone who asks for forgiveness, no matter the sin, no matter how late, is granted forgiveness and goes to Heaven.

In other words, it’s okay that Donald “Dionysus” Trump spent 71 years dancing in a veritable golden shower of sin. It’s cool that he has lived—and continues to live—a life wholly antithetical to the teachings of Jesus. It’s fine that he paid for and enjoyed some quality adult time (watching Shark Week, inter alia) with a quality adult film star.

It seems like all of that would be a problem, but it’s not because Donald asked for forgiveness (according to the good reverend) and thus, Donald gets a mulligan. And since Mayor McCheese is forgiven, his blatantly secular and un-Christian shenanigans up to that point do not count against him. He’s now a man of God. He’s a flawed man, but he’s a chosen man, sent to do the work of the Lord.

Plus, he’s not Black, Latino, Asian, Muslim, Jewish, female, or gay, so he’s got all of that going for him, which is nice.

Cognitive dissonance solved!

And let the Church say, “Amen.”

 

 

Dig my stuff?  Come see more of me on facebook, twitter, or instagram.  Well, it’s not literally “more of me,” as my boudoir shots are only on display at my private residence.  It’s really just more of my writing.  That’ll have to do, at least until we get to know one another better.

 

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Hold For Disingenuous Applause.

Friends, don’t ask me how I’ve done it, but I’ve managed to get advance copy of Donald Trump’s State of the Union address. I know, you’re thinking, “yeah, right – there’s no way Donald Trump actually wrote something down.” I was as surprised as you. I was sure that his impromptu, rambling nature was a ploy to divert us from his “a very special Facts of Life” reality of being illiterate, but not wanting Tootie and Mrs. Garrett to find out. I was wrong. The reality, however, might be even scarier.

“Thank you, thank you.

Mr. Vice President, Mr. Speaker, it is my distinct honor to address this assembly to deliver my remarks on the State of the Union.

[Hold for applause]

Last year when I got to Washington, or, ‘the Swamp,’ as I like to call it, the nation was a total failure. We were in the worst tailspin ever seen. The former president and his Deep State cronies had us on a collision course with certain death. Metaphors were being mixed willy-nilly.

Speaking of Willy-Nilly, what’s the deal with Bill Clinton, am I right? Someone ask his wife what it’s like to be a loser.

[Hold for laughter]

That one’s for you, Andy McCabe. Don’t let the doorknob hit ya where the Good Lord split ya, buddy.

But seriously folks, after winning the biggest electoral landslide in history, it was clear to literally everyone – even losers who voted against me – that America wanted Donald J. Trump to Make America Great Again.

Take my word for it, I am a very rich man and I had to sacrifice greatly to take on this task. I haven’t been able to play golf as much as I used to, I have to live in a complete dump on Pennsylvania Avenue, and I have to go to meetings that drag on and on, listening to “experts” blabber about “nuclear proliferation” and “the economy” and “terrorism.” BORING! Can’t they just put it in a easier-to-understand package, like maybe three people sitting on a couch explaining it on Fox News?

But, I do it for you, America, because there has never been someone who loves America more than I do, believe me. I love America so much I just want to grab it by the…ahhhh, you thought I was going to say “pussy,” didn’t you? Nah, I would never say something like that, and everyone knows it, and you know it too. Fake news, people.

We got a lot of elite people here, really just the best of the best. Who do we have here, we got…Mike Pence! Whoa, Mike, your wife let you stay out past 9 pm? I’m impressed, bro!

[Pause for uproarious laughs]

I kid, I kid. Mike, you’re a good guy. Good guy. Real good guy.

Who else we got…we got Paul Ryan in the house tonight.

[Hold for applause]

You guys ever seen this dude’s abs? Paul, show ‘em your abs. No? Alright, but trust me, guy is RIPPED, believe me. Paul Ryan looks like if you crossed an Abercrombie model with a librarian. Incidentally, “AbercrombieLibrarian” is Lindsey Graham’s handle on Grindr. Come on Lindsey, we all know. But how’d you pick that handle? Was “JohnMcCainsBitch” already taken?

[Hold for applause]

We got Chuck Schumer here, everybody, give it up for Chuck! Hey Chuck, I’ll make you a bet. We’ll flip a coin, heads I win, tails you lose. Ready? Ah, I’m just messing with you dude. Negotiating is hard, especially when you suck at it.

[Hold for laughter]

Anyway, we’ve got a whole group of Dreamers here, where are you Dreamers, stand up. You know, back when America was great, I could have just looked for the group of people with brown skin, but it’s not that easy anymore, which is great, don’t get me wrong. It’s fantastic. Just fantastic. I’ve known a lot of immigrants over the years. I’ve married two of them, and hired a few, too. Didn’t pay them, I mean, what are they going to do, sue me and get deported? It’s called being smart, okay? I didn’t become a billionaire by being stupid, believe me.

But enough about all of that, let’s talk about all I’ve accomplished this year.

I started the year by bringing together the biggest women’s march in history, believe me. No one had ever seen that many skirts in one place before, well maybe with the exception of Trump Tower in the early 80’s, if you know what I mean!

[Pause for laughter]

It’s been a tough year, though. The Democrats have stood in our way at every turn, not at all slowed down by the fact that we control the House, the Senate, and the White House, and the Supreme Court.

But even in the face of constant Democratic obstruction, I managed to pass tax cuts that will help every single American recognize how great I am for passing these tax cuts.

[Hold for thunderous applause]

I single-handedly eliminated ObamaCare, something that everyone was saying couldn’t be done. Sure, it still “exists,” but that’s a technicality. The important part is that I repeatedly said it went away, and just like that, bing-bing-bing, it’s gone, people!

[Hold for even more thunderous applause]

And how about the wall? Oh, don’t forget about my big, beautiful wall, people. It’s not done yet, nor is it started, but have you been down to the border lately? No? Well believe me, it’s a drug-and-rapist-filled cesspool and the wall is going to stop anyone and everyone who doesn’t have access to a ladder. And remember, this is Mexico we’re talking about, they don’t have ladders like we do. No one on earth has ladders as good as American ladders, that I can tell you. That I can tell you.

I fought the failing National Football League, led by Kneelin’ Colin Kaepernick and his inferior biracial Afro. I singlehandedly brought down the nation’s premier sports organization, freeing Sundays up for a real American sport: NASCAR. I don’t personally watch sports, I use Sunday as my day to catch up on all of the Fox News programs I didn’t get to on my DVR. Sometimes I mix in a round of golf or three, I’m not gonna lie. But you can do that when you surround yourself with the best people, people like…well, just trust me, there are a lot of good people. So many good people. Really just the best.

And what about Little Rocketman?

[Hold for laughter/applause/nervous looks of recognition that the entire government of the nation is in one large, recognizable building at the same time]

Every president before Trump has dog-and-pony-showed the Kim regime, and I said, you know, I’ve dealt with New York code enforcement people, I can handle some fat Asian kid with a terrible haircut, I can tell you that.

[Hold for nervous laughter]

I told Kim, look Rocketman, if you want to start a fight, you’ll be met with fire and fury so fast your head will spin. And just like that, bing-bing-bing, he’s talking with the South Koreans again. Trump 1, losers 0. It’s like I’ve always said, when it comes to egomaniacal madmen with nukes, it takes one to know one.

[Hold for applause]

Now there are some liberals out there who would have you believe that I conspired with the Russians, and that I’ve tried to derail the investigation into that conspiracy at every turn. Well, guess what. Fake news, people. Bob Mueller—a well-known political hack who the Dems hired to try to destroy Trump—has been at it for a year, and other than getting guilty pleas from the former National Security Adviser and a staffer, and indicting my former campaign manager and his partner, what has he turned up? Nothing. Literally nothing at all. Literally zero guilty pleas, zero indictments. Sad!

[Hold for head scratching due to contradiction-laden paragraph]

People, it’s time to end this investigation. One year of Russiagate is enough!

[Hold for ghost of Richard Nixon to stop knowingly shaking his head]

We’re well on our way to restoring our reputation around the world as a country full of people who focus on themselves, no matter the cost. Gone are the days of sticking our nose, and food, and money, and medicine into places all around the world. Gone are the days of powerhouses like Russia and Saudi Arabia – countries run by real men – wondering when America became a bunch of European hipsters on their gap year. Gone are the days when silly bilateral agreements to which we are obligated will stand in the way of whatever whim we feel like pursuing.

We are going to keep Making America Great Again for as long as we’re able, and we’re not going to let the sissy, pansy globalists or the FBI or the special counsel or the rule of law or the United States Constitution get in our way.

God bless the United States of America.

[Bask in earth-shaking applause].”

 

 

 

Coming In At An Unbelievable 239 Pounds…

I’m not a small person.

I mean physically. I am occasionally “small” in that I act like a child.

But my stature is anything but small. At 6’3”, I’m taller than 97.5% of the people in the United States. Interestingly, I’m taller than 99.2% of all people in China. This corroborates my experience at the Chinese market, where people often point up at me and exclaim, “Holy shit, that’s a tall white dude!” I can only assume that’s what they’re saying, though, because I don’t speak Mandarin. Continue reading

I’m a Garbage Person.

My name is Rickey, and I’m a garbage person.

You could interpret that any number of ways. You could think I mean that I’m a sanitation worker. Maybe you’re an elderly Yiddish woman and think I’m a golem.

Perhaps you’re from my old stompin’ grounds and think I’m telling you that I’m “white trash.” Look, just because I do my grocery shopping at a truck stop, and I do my Christmas shopping also at a truck stop, that doesn’t mean you can disparage my people. Continue reading

The Fable of The Wordsmith and The Bard.

Once upon a time, a young man in Southern California named Warren prepared to go out for the evening. He was well dressed and excited for the prospect of attracting young ladies using his ostentatious displays of wealth.

However, such a blatant display of material excess in a socioeconomically disadvantaged area led a band of miscreants to view Warren as an easy mark. Before he could protect himself, he was attacked by this group of opportunistic robbers. Continue reading

5 Steps To Make Thanksgiving Great Again

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, which means a few things:

First, it means that you’re probably going to eat and drink more than you intended and regret the hell out of it. I recommend dropping a few Alka-Seltzers into some vodka to make a delicious holiday digestif. You’ll either feel better, won’t care, or both. Continue reading

If You Ain’t Rigging Democracy, You Ain’t Trying.

Voting is the essential element of democracy. We all vote, and whoever gets the most votes wins the election. Right?

Well, let me be more specific. Whoever gets the most votes of every vote cast wins the election. You don’t need a majority of people to like you. You just need a majority of people who voice their opinion on you to like you.

Okay, let me be even more specific, because not everyone gets to vote. Whoever gets the most votes (1) of every vote cast (2) by non-felons (3) over the age of 18 (4) who can prove residency within the precinct wins the election. Continue reading

7 Ways To De-Stress Your Holidays

It’s November, so you know what that means! Besides gubernatorial elections, Guy Fawkes Day, and Veterans’ Day. Besides Movember, a.k.a. National Magnum P.I. Appreciation Month.

Those are all good guesses, but November means “the holidays” are officially upon us!

For a lot of us, Thanksgiving and Christmas are anything but the most wonderful time of the year. Rather, the holidays are an eight-week barrage of stress. Continue reading

Personal Foul, Unstatesmanlike Conduct, Number 45.

Let’s say you’re a supporter of a professional football team. We’ll call them the Orangemen. Not the Syracuse Orangemen, since they’re just the “Orange” now. Same state though, just for consistency’s sake. The New York Orangemen.

A flamboyant, rich businessman sees an opportunity, swoops in and buys the team. His name is Ronald. Ronald Chump. Continue reading

Pearls Before Tone-Deaf Swine

“Never attempt to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig.” – Robert Heinlein.

Screw it – if I can’t teach the pig to sing, I’ll preach to the choir about these non-singing pigs we seem to have populating our country lately.

There’s a sickening anti-intellectualism in our country. Isaac Asimov said, “Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.'” Continue reading