Donny, You’re Out Of Your Element.

It’s disrespectful to our troops to kneel during the national anthem, according to our president.

According to his example, here’s how you honor the troops like a good American: Continue reading

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If We’re All Dead, How Will We Make America Great Again?

I recently wrote about Donald Trump’s superhuman ability to completely insulate his psyche from both precedent and consequence. His deftness at detachment is, in fact, so advanced and so natural, I questioned if he might be an unknowing reincarnated Buddha. It’s an especially compelling argument when you consider that his skin is orange, and he shares a common physique with statuary Chinese restaurants’ entrances. Continue reading

Gun Junkies & The People Who Love Them

Addicts give excuses. Constantly.

They rationalize and let themselves off the hook as a means of coping with objectively harmful behavior. They split hairs and insist that no broader conclusion can be drawn from their most recent specific episode. Some throw up their hands and declare that the status quo is the best possible outcome. Some blame anyone and anything they can to avoid taking actual, personal responsibility for the problem. Continue reading

The Buddha In The White House

We hear a lot about the idea of mindfulness. The most developed people are mindful. Oprah is mindful. That has to count for something, because she’s Oprah. Quod erat demonstrandum.

“Mindfulness” is the state of being totally present in the moment. A mindful man is not worried about what transpired yesterday. A mindful woman is not thinking about what she has to do tomorrow. A mindful person is living in the now, fully experiencing now with 100% of their consciousness. Some people utilize meditation to great effect in returning their scattered thoughts to center. The act of sitting attentively, but attending to nothing, is more powerful than its inherent inaction would indicate. Continue reading

Shut Up & Play, Unless I Like What You’re Saying.

If you’re a conservative, you likely believe that success comes from work ethic, skill, and maybe a tiny bit of luck. People get successful by plugging away, working their way up, and taking risks. Some “conservatives” also mix in several bankruptcies and being an orange-faced douche canoe, but that’s clearly not necessary to achieve success.

Now, I’ve written before about the idea that we’ve each got about a 1 in 100 shot at jumping more than one class level from where we’re born. And I’ve blogged about capitalism’s bent toward helping the rich get richer at the expense of the poor. I’ve ranted about the misguided glorification of entrepreneurship by the right. And yeah, I’ve written about plenty of other things that should give you a good indication that I’m a sissy pinko commie well-educated, intelligent, and compassionate liberal. I even know what the Oxford comma is AND I’m not afraid to use it. #nerd Continue reading

Don’t Get Mad AT Them, Get Mad WITH Them.

Hey rabid, angry Trump supporters, I have a question for you all:

What does it say about you that when African-American men protest police violence, you take it personally? Assuming you’re not a violent policeman yourself, don’t you find your vitriolic response to be an indictment of your own complicity in the problem they’re protesting? Continue reading

I Had 99 Posts But Now I Have 100.

Well, friends, this post is a milestone. Believe it or not, this is Hitting The Trifecta’s 100th post! If it were a TV show, we’d be a syndication gold mine and you’d be watching back-to-back episodes of my stuff on the CW at 6:00 and 6:30 pm.

Okay, we’d also have worked about 100x as hard, and made actual money. But that’s neither here nor there. The point is I’ve now posted my special brand of nonsense 100 times for public consumption!

I thought a 100th post would be a good time to take a little walk down memory lane. One, it gives you a chance to see some highlights of posts you might have missed. Two, and more importantly, it’s easier than coming up with NEW funny stuff. Continue reading

5 Easy Ways To Be A Good Kid (Or President)

All of the knowledge I needed to acquire, I acquired in my first year of formal education.

I had a much catchier first line for this post, but someone else copyrighted it. Stupid bastard.

Which brings me to my first lesson, incidentally!

1) Don’t call people names.

When you call people mean names, it hurts their feelings. And when their feelings are hurt, they are a lot less likely to listen to anything else you have to say. Making fun of someone’s size, calling them dishonest, or pulling a reference from an Elton John song all have the potential to make people mad and cause big problems for you! Continue reading

No Justice, No Peace. Or At Least No Football.

I want to boycott the NFL.

I want to put my money where my mouth is. Not like in a stripper way, but more like in the sense that I want my actions to match my values. Just to be clear, lest you think I am a stripper. I’m flattered, but I lack the balance to successfully pole dance in high heels. Don’t worry about how I know that. Continue reading

Hey Bubba, If The Icecaps Melt, There’ll Be Less Animals For You To Shoot.

Scientists tend to agree that climate change is happening, and humans are at least partially to blame.

Ask a liberal what they think, and you’ll likely hear something like this:

“Hang on, let me put down my non-GMO soy half-caff, fair trade, locally-sourced macchiato so I can gesticulate properly. Look, if 97% of scientists agree that we’re impacting our environment negatively, and there’s something we can do to reverse the damage, what’s the problem? We’ve only got one earth, and I want to leave a beautiful planet to my exceptional and gifted children, Namaste and Flax.” Continue reading