The Fable of The Wordsmith and The Bard.

Once upon a time, a young man in Southern California named Warren prepared to go out for the evening. He was well dressed and excited for the prospect of attracting young ladies using his ostentatious displays of wealth.

However, such a blatant display of material excess in a socioeconomically disadvantaged area led a band of miscreants to view Warren as an easy mark. Before he could protect himself, he was attacked by this group of opportunistic robbers. Continue reading

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5 Steps To Make Thanksgiving Great Again

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, which means a few things:

First, it means that you’re probably going to eat and drink more than you intended and regret the hell out of it. I recommend dropping a few Alka-Seltzers into some vodka to make a delicious holiday digestif. You’ll either feel better, won’t care, or both. Continue reading

If You Ain’t Rigging Democracy, You Ain’t Trying.

Voting is the essential element of democracy. We all vote, and whoever gets the most votes wins the election. Right?

Well, let me be more specific. Whoever gets the most votes of every vote cast wins the election. You don’t need a majority of people to like you. You just need a majority of people who voice their opinion on you to like you.

Okay, let me be even more specific, because not everyone gets to vote. Whoever gets the most votes (1) of every vote cast (2) by non-felons (3) over the age of 18 (4) who can prove residency within the precinct wins the election. Continue reading

7 Ways To De-Stress Your Holidays

It’s November, so you know what that means! Besides gubernatorial elections, Guy Fawkes Day, and Veterans’ Day. Besides Movember, a.k.a. National Magnum P.I. Appreciation Month.

Those are all good guesses, but November means “the holidays” are officially upon us!

For a lot of us, Thanksgiving and Christmas are anything but the most wonderful time of the year. Rather, the holidays are an eight-week barrage of stress. Continue reading

Personal Foul, Unstatesmanlike Conduct, Number 45.

Let’s say you’re a supporter of a professional football team. We’ll call them the Orangemen. Not the Syracuse Orangemen, since they’re just the “Orange” now. Same state though, just for consistency’s sake. The New York Orangemen.

A flamboyant, rich businessman sees an opportunity, swoops in and buys the team. His name is Ronald. Ronald Chump. Continue reading

Pearls Before Tone-Deaf Swine

“Never attempt to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig.” – Robert Heinlein.

Screw it – if I can’t teach the pig to sing, I’ll preach to the choir about these non-singing pigs we seem to have populating our country lately.

There’s a sickening anti-intellectualism in our country. Isaac Asimov said, “Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.'” Continue reading

The League Of Extraordinary Former Invertebrates

There’s nothing especially courageous about saying Donald Trump is nuts. He is, objectively, the most narcissistic, unpredictable, and petulant man to ever hold the office of President of the United States. Sure, maybe “nuts” isn’t the right way to frame the man’s clearly evidenced personality deficiencies. But, in layman’s terms, Donald Trump is more than nuts. To paraphrase the Secretary of State, he’s “fucking nuts.”

Democrats have been saying Trump is insane and his followers are deplorable since he descended the golden escalator back in 2015. “Descend the golden escalator” sounds like a euphemism for something slimy, but in this case…well, it’s still slimy, just in a different way. Continue reading

If We’re All Dead, How Will We Make America Great Again?

I recently wrote about Donald Trump’s superhuman ability to completely insulate his psyche from both precedent and consequence. His deftness at detachment is, in fact, so advanced and so natural, I questioned if he might be an unknowing reincarnated Buddha. It’s an especially compelling argument when you consider that his skin is orange, and he shares a common physique with statuary Chinese restaurants’ entrances. Continue reading

Gun Junkies & The People Who Love Them

Addicts give excuses. Constantly.

They rationalize and let themselves off the hook as a means of coping with objectively harmful behavior. They split hairs and insist that no broader conclusion can be drawn from their most recent specific episode. Some throw up their hands and declare that the status quo is the best possible outcome. Some blame anyone and anything they can to avoid taking actual, personal responsibility for the problem. Continue reading