Friends, don’t ask me how I’ve done it, but I’ve managed to get advance copy of Donald Trump’s State of the Union address. I know, you’re thinking, “yeah, right – there’s no way Donald Trump actually wrote something down.” I was as surprised as you. I was sure that his impromptu, rambling nature was a ploy to divert us from his “a very special Facts of Life” reality of being illiterate, but not wanting Tootie and Mrs. Garrett to find out. I was wrong. The reality, however, might be even scarier.
“Thank you, thank you.
Mr. Vice President, Mr. Speaker, it is my distinct honor to address this assembly to deliver my remarks on the State of the Union.
[Hold for applause]
Last year when I got to Washington, or, ‘the Swamp,’ as I like to call it, the nation was a total failure. We were in the worst tailspin ever seen. The former president and his Deep State cronies had us on a collision course with certain death. Metaphors were being mixed willy-nilly.
Speaking of Willy-Nilly, what’s the deal with Bill Clinton, am I right? Someone ask his wife what it’s like to be a loser.
[Hold for laughter]
That one’s for you, Andy McCabe. Don’t let the doorknob hit ya where the Good Lord split ya, buddy.
But seriously folks, after winning the biggest electoral landslide in history, it was clear to literally everyone – even losers who voted against me – that America wanted Donald J. Trump to Make America Great Again™.
Take my word for it, I am a very rich man and I had to sacrifice greatly to take on this task. I haven’t been able to play golf as much as I used to, I have to live in a complete dump on Pennsylvania Avenue, and I have to go to meetings that drag on and on, listening to “experts” blabber about “nuclear proliferation” and “the economy” and “terrorism.” BORING! Can’t they just put it in a easier-to-understand package, like maybe three people sitting on a couch explaining it on Fox News?
But, I do it for you, America, because there has never been someone who loves America more than I do, believe me. I love America so much I just want to grab it by the…ahhhh, you thought I was going to say “pussy,” didn’t you? Nah, I would never say something like that, and everyone knows it, and you know it too. Fake news, people.
We got a lot of elite people here, really just the best of the best. Who do we have here, we got…Mike Pence! Whoa, Mike, your wife let you stay out past 9 pm? I’m impressed, bro!
[Pause for uproarious laughs]
I kid, I kid. Mike, you’re a good guy. Good guy. Real good guy.
Who else we got…we got Paul Ryan in the house tonight.
[Hold for applause]
You guys ever seen this dude’s abs? Paul, show ‘em your abs. No? Alright, but trust me, guy is RIPPED, believe me. Paul Ryan looks like if you crossed an Abercrombie model with a librarian. Incidentally, “AbercrombieLibrarian” is Lindsey Graham’s handle on Grindr. Come on Lindsey, we all know. But how’d you pick that handle? Was “JohnMcCainsBitch” already taken?
[Hold for applause]
We got Chuck Schumer here, everybody, give it up for Chuck! Hey Chuck, I’ll make you a bet. We’ll flip a coin, heads I win, tails you lose. Ready? Ah, I’m just messing with you dude. Negotiating is hard, especially when you suck at it.
[Hold for laughter]
Anyway, we’ve got a whole group of Dreamers here, where are you Dreamers, stand up. You know, back when America was great, I could have just looked for the group of people with brown skin, but it’s not that easy anymore, which is great, don’t get me wrong. It’s fantastic. Just fantastic. I’ve known a lot of immigrants over the years. I’ve married two of them, and hired a few, too. Didn’t pay them, I mean, what are they going to do, sue me and get deported? It’s called being smart, okay? I didn’t become a billionaire by being stupid, believe me.
But enough about all of that, let’s talk about all I’ve accomplished this year.
I started the year by bringing together the biggest women’s march in history, believe me. No one had ever seen that many skirts in one place before, well maybe with the exception of Trump Tower in the early 80’s, if you know what I mean!
[Pause for laughter]
It’s been a tough year, though. The Democrats have stood in our way at every turn, not at all slowed down by the fact that we control the House, the Senate, and the White House, and the Supreme Court.
But even in the face of constant Democratic obstruction, I managed to pass tax cuts that will help every single American recognize how great I am for passing these tax cuts.
[Hold for thunderous applause]
I single-handedly eliminated ObamaCare, something that everyone was saying couldn’t be done. Sure, it still “exists,” but that’s a technicality. The important part is that I repeatedly said it went away, and just like that, bing-bing-bing, it’s gone, people!
[Hold for even more thunderous applause]
And how about the wall? Oh, don’t forget about my big, beautiful wall, people. It’s not done yet, nor is it started, but have you been down to the border lately? No? Well believe me, it’s a drug-and-rapist-filled cesspool and the wall is going to stop anyone and everyone who doesn’t have access to a ladder. And remember, this is Mexico we’re talking about, they don’t have ladders like we do. No one on earth has ladders as good as American ladders, that I can tell you. That I can tell you.
I fought the failing National Football League, led by Kneelin’ Colin Kaepernick and his inferior biracial Afro. I singlehandedly brought down the nation’s premier sports organization, freeing Sundays up for a real American sport: NASCAR. I don’t personally watch sports, I use Sunday as my day to catch up on all of the Fox News programs I didn’t get to on my DVR. Sometimes I mix in a round of golf or three, I’m not gonna lie. But you can do that when you surround yourself with the best people, people like…well, just trust me, there are a lot of good people. So many good people. Really just the best.
And what about Little Rocketman?
[Hold for laughter/applause/nervous looks of recognition that the entire government of the nation is in one large, recognizable building at the same time]
Every president before Trump has dog-and-pony-showed the Kim regime, and I said, you know, I’ve dealt with New York code enforcement people, I can handle some fat Asian kid with a terrible haircut, I can tell you that.
[Hold for nervous laughter]
I told Kim, look Rocketman, if you want to start a fight, you’ll be met with fire and fury so fast your head will spin. And just like that, bing-bing-bing, he’s talking with the South Koreans again. Trump 1, losers 0. It’s like I’ve always said, when it comes to egomaniacal madmen with nukes, it takes one to know one.
[Hold for applause]
Now there are some liberals out there who would have you believe that I conspired with the Russians, and that I’ve tried to derail the investigation into that conspiracy at every turn. Well, guess what. Fake news, people. Bob Mueller—a well-known political hack who the Dems hired to try to destroy Trump—has been at it for a year, and other than getting guilty pleas from the former National Security Adviser and a staffer, and indicting my former campaign manager and his partner, what has he turned up? Nothing. Literally nothing at all. Literally zero guilty pleas, zero indictments. Sad!
[Hold for head scratching due to contradiction-laden paragraph]
People, it’s time to end this investigation. One year of Russiagate is enough!
[Hold for ghost of Richard Nixon to stop knowingly shaking his head]
We’re well on our way to restoring our reputation around the world as a country full of people who focus on themselves, no matter the cost. Gone are the days of sticking our nose, and food, and money, and medicine into places all around the world. Gone are the days of powerhouses like Russia and Saudi Arabia – countries run by real men – wondering when America became a bunch of European hipsters on their gap year. Gone are the days when silly bilateral agreements to which we are obligated will stand in the way of whatever whim we feel like pursuing.
We are going to keep Making America Great Again™ for as long as we’re able, and we’re not going to let the sissy, pansy globalists or the FBI or the special counsel or the rule of law or the United States Constitution get in our way.
God bless the United States of America.
[Bask in earth-shaking applause].”