Bad Stuff Is Probably Happening Somewhere

Bad stuff happens everywhere. I don’t mean “bad stuff” like getting in a fender bender. Or even really bad stuff like your Internet crapping out in the middle of streaming your seventh consecutive episode of This Is How To Get Away With A Million Little Scandals With The Stars: Miami.

No, I’m talking about Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse-level bad stuff. Continue reading

What’s Your End Game?

What happens when you don’t get your way? When you get mad, and then act upon that anger, what is your goal? What would make you happy again, or at least not mad anymore? What is your end game?

Let’s say you go out to dinner. The experience is sub par, and you feel strongly that you didn’t get your money’s worth of food or service. So, on your way home, you whip out your phone and fire off a scathing Yelp review. You disparage the restaurant and its staff for the rest of the universe to see. That’ll teach ‘em!

But what’s your end game? Continue reading

Time To Grow Up, Boys

I’m noticing a lot of surface-level, clichéd “masculinity” being bandied about lately.

Maybe our current polarizing political climate is to blame. Perhaps it’s just because I’ve been more attuned to it recently.

Or maybe it’s because “everyone these days are weak little momma’s boys who need a swift steel-toed work boot to the rear end,” according to one angry dude’s comment on my Twitter feed.

 Whatever it is, it’s time for real men to defend real masculinity against those who would seek to define it by its most stereotypical tropes. And we shall defend it with BRUTE FORCE! *adjusts crotch and spits on the ground.

Damn, no, scratch that. Sorry. Continue reading

Halloween Costumes For Snarky Bastards Like You

It’s almost time for everyone’s favorite day filled with fright and dread! No, not Election Day. No, not the end of Daylight Savings Time, though if the end of Daylight Savings Time fills you with fright and dread, you should likely seek therapy. Those are good guesses (they are not really good guesses, I’m just patronizing you), but nope…I’m talking about Halloween!

Halloween is a chance for kids of all ages to go to parties, cut loose, and eat a lot of candy. Of course, if you’re going to be out on the hunt for fun, you have to wear a great costume. Continue reading

California Is Hella Stoked It’s Not Mississippi.

I have lived in a few different places around our great nation. I was born in Texas, where I lived until I realized I was allowed to leave.1 Then, I fled to Las Vegas. Las Vegas was amazing for my career; so amazing, in fact, it got me promoted and relocated to Northern California. I lived in the Bay Area for four years before life took me eastward to the DC area, where I am today.

California was—hands down—my favorite place I’ve ever lived. Which is why I never understand conservative America’s obsession with using California as the proxy for all things terrible. If you ask the average deplorable, they’ll tell you that California is just one big liberal, hyper-politically-correct, Marxist brunch, complete with bottomless mimosas, hosted by a drag queen version of Nancy Pelosi named, incidentally, Fancy P. Losi.

To be fair, I would probably enjoy such a brunch. So maybe that explains it thoroughly. Blog over. Fin. Continue reading

Democracy: If You Ain’t Rigging It, You Ain’t Trying.

Voting is the essential element of democracy. We all vote, and whoever gets the most votes wins the election. Right?

Well, let me be more specific. Whoever gets the most votes of every vote cast wins the election. You don’t need a majority of people to like you in a democracy. You just need a majority of people who voice their opinion on you to like you.

Okay, let me be even more specific, because not everyone gets to vote, at least not in our sort of democracy. Whoever gets the most votes (1) of every vote cast (2) by non-felons (3) over the age of 18 (4) who can prove residency within the precinct wins the election. Continue reading

6 FAQ’s For “You Buncha Snowflake Libruls.”

America is a country of extremes. The flat expanse of the Great Plains gives way to the purple mountains’ majesty of the Rockies. Farmers, hedge fund managers, teachers, and factory workers all cheer for the same team of millionaires giving each other concussions. We’ve got the bet-it-all-on-black insanity of Las Vegas, and the hey-isn’t-that-that-one-guy-who-was-kinda-famous-in-1982 insanity of Branson, Missouri.

When it comes to politics, we’re no less extreme. And when it comes to lazy transitions, “when it comes to” is my favorite. Continue reading