Attention: Immigrants, innocent children, asylum seekers, and bleeding heart liberals.
America is a land of ZERO TOLERANCE for breaking the law. According to “the Bahbull,” which loosely translates from elvish to English as, “the Bible,” the law is the law.
Except, of course, when it’s not. Continue reading
Here’s a quick list of things Donald Trump can do because, according to Rudy Giuliani’s legal ramblings, they aren’t expressly forbidden by the Constitution.
- He can eat Filet-o-Fish sandwiches and Big Mac’s with absolute impunity. The Constitution does not mention fast food, nor the President’s physical fitness, nor his status as a role model for the nation.
- He can cheat on his first wife with his second wife, cheat on her with yet another wife, cheat on that wife with a porn star, and cheat on the porn star with a Playboy model. The Constitution does not mention the President’s marital fidelity, nor does it make any reference to pornography.
- He can sacrifice a goat to the Devil in the middle of a pentagram on the South Lawn of the White House. The Constitution is remarkably silent on Satanic rituals.
- He can climb to the top of the Washington Monument and piss on the assembled masses below. The Constitution does not expressly prohibit watersports, though it is worth noting that the President’s physical fitness and aging prostate might prove to quash such activities.[i]
- He can ride a coked-up Bengal tiger through the halls of the White House. The Constitution never once mentions Bengal tigers.
- He can appoint completely unqualified hacks to every position under Article II, so long as he gains the “advice and consent” of the Senate. Given the Senate’s composition and recent record, it appears that there is no Constitutional prohibition, express nor implied, on having a Cabinet chock full o’ nincompoops. Nincompoopery = 100% constitutional.
- The President can lie, constantly, about matters large and small. The Constitution does not expressly forbid the President from lying. While the previous occupants lied occasionally, they significantly underutilized their apparent constitutional power to trade in outright deception.
- Donald can make money by selling hats and t-shirts with his mottos and image. The Constitution prohibits receiving emoluments from foreign governments, but there’s nothing in that document from 1789 that says he can’t dropship some custom-printed tees on a poorly managed website. As Alexander Hamilton once said, “get thine sales funnel primed, bro.”
- He can select himself to be an astronaut. The Constitution is strangely silent on matters of space travel.
- Trump can trick Mike Pence by promising to hold the football while the Veep kicks it, only to pull it away at the last second. Mr. Pence’s momentum will cause him to fall flat on his back, but he’ll never learn. And the President is completely safe, as the Framers never made a single mention of Peanuts, Charlie Brown, nor Lucy. It’s safe to assume the lack of prohibition on the old cartoon prank was fully intentional.
- The President can wear a Qaddafi/Stalin/Mussolini/Idi Amin style military uniform. As the Commander-in-Chief, it’s assumed that the President is a civilian representative of the populace who, in turn, exercises authority over the people’s military. But that’s an assumption. The Constitution never once says that the President can’t play dress-up and strut around like the very model of a modern major general.
- He can play golf every single weekend, come hell or high water. Presidents before Trump, and Trump before President Trump, felt that the job of President of the United States was simply too demanding to afford much time on the links. But there’s not a single line in the entire Constitution telling us exactly how much golf is too much golf. We’re left to assume that nonstop golf would be possible, legal, and acceptable in the eyes of the Framers.
I hacked America’s data, and I found out that we’re a bunch of terrible, idiotic human beings.
Okay, that’s a little over-the-top. It’s probably more accurate to say that many of us are terrible, idiotic human beings, and that incredibly vocal plurality is causing our national boat to careen dangerously starboard. Continue reading
Donald Trump is, hands down, the best example of American Christianity we’ve ever seen in the Oval Office. Now, before you go saying, “but he’s a despicable, womanizing, money-grubbing, chicken-hawk, terrible human being,” get comfortable, and allow me to state my case. Continue reading
I own a restaurant in Washington, DC, about four blocks from the speaker’s stage for March For Our Lives. It’s called Merzi, look us up!
I had a front row seat to the Women’s March in 2017, and saw hundreds of thousands of people engaging in their First Amendment rights to assemble, speak, and petition the government. It was awe-inspiring and emotionally moving. Continue reading
Several years ago, I read an interesting take on the purpose of marriage. It has stuck with me ever since. I wish I could find the original, but my ex-wife took it in the divorce. Here’s the gist:
Marriage isn’t meant to make you happy, it just makes you married. Being happy is your responsibility. But from the foundation of a good and stable relationship, you can seek your personal happiness instead of spending your energy seeking a mate.
It’s no one else’s responsibility to make you happy. No one can “make” another person happy. Your mate might make you happier. But in the end, your emotional state isn’t your partner’s responsibility. It’s yours. And it’s likewise not your partner’s fault if you’re miserable. Of course, it may not be yours, either. But your emotional state is still your responsibility, and yours alone. Continue reading
When you’re a kid, adults inspire you by saying, “You can be anything you want when you grow up!” Sometimes parents illustrate the true grandeur of that statement with a follow up: “…you could even be the president!”
My mom used to tell me that I was just too smart to be the president. Throughout my life, I’ve switched between believing my mom wholeheartedly, and thinking the premise is absurd. That switch has occurred once every eight years.
They say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. I am not sure who “they” are but they make an excellent point.
Acting on one’s good intentions, such as giving advice in the form of proverbs, can have unintended negative consequences.
President George W. Bush wanted to improve America’s public schools. As a well-heeled, conservative businessman, he believed that if students could just move to Connecticut and go to expensive prep schools, we’d get a double benefit: better education and deeper bench strength for the U.S. yachting team. Continue reading
The conservative game plan on many matters is to be counterintuitive and contrarian.
Gun violence? We just need more guns!
Animals going extinct? Hunting and killing them will help with that!
Israel versus Palestine conflict? HARK! We shall move the American Embassy to Jerusalem and hasten the coming apocalypse, as the prophets of yore foretold! *eyes turn red and start glowing for some reason. Continue reading
UNITED NATIONS: Kim Jong Un has been working diligently toward arming North Korea with nuclear weapons. We must do something!
UNITED STATES: Whoa, whoa…calm down. This CLEARLY isn’t about nuclear weapons.
UN: It’s not?
USA: No. [Afterschool special music starts to play.]