The Drunken, Rapey Elephant In The Room

Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh has been accused of sexual assault.

The Republicans are lining up to dismiss, obfuscate, victim-blame, and otherwise do their Republican duty to be abject cockwaffles at every turn. I’ll give them this: they are insanely talented at it. The ability to choreograph such precise cockwafflery in unison deserves a round of applause, whether we like the actual cockwafflery or not. Continue reading

“A Humble Recommendation” by Guest Author Johnny Quick

Originally published on medium.com, 5/22/2018 by Johnny Quick, republished with permission on Hitting The Trifecta.

Gun violence is rampant, and other than restricting access to firearms — an absolute nonstarter — there’s simply nothing we can do about it. Not a single sensible answer exists. Which is why we have to abandon sensibility, and latch on to some good ol’ fashioned American hardscrabble ingenuity.

We have to start killing our own children.

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I Can’t Win Unless Some Loser Loses.

There’s something about the psyche of the average American conservative that makes them only truly win when someone else is losing.

There’s no victory in seeing everyone do better, because in the conservative mind, not everyone deserves to do better. What kind of world would it be if there was no punishment for making bad decisions?

[SHOUTED FROM OFFSTAGE] The world Donald Trump lives in?

 Shut the hell up, imaginary person I’m using as a silly literary device. No one asked you. Continue reading

Just Letting You Know, You’re Garbage. Don’t Shoot The Messenger.

We can disagree about football. I like the Houston Texans, my dad follows the Texans but can’t shake his East Texas roots: he’s a Cowboys fan through and through. I’ve disliked the Cowboys pretty much my entire life. And Dallas, for that matter.

Dallas is what Houston would be if Houstonians lost everything that makes them interesting and fun. All that would be left is a bunch of boring people, sweating profusely, stuck in traffic. I will give them credit for the show, Dallas. And that’s only because (a) J.R. Ewing was a badass, and (b) the theme song reminds me of my childhood. So does the soundtrack to Urban Cowboy and the crisp, cool taste of Budweiser. It’s beechwood aged for that taste that says, “I’m 3 and drinking my uncle’s beer. Again.”

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The American Messiah

Donald Trump is, hands down, the best example of American Christianity we’ve ever seen in the Oval Office. Now, before you go saying, “but he’s a despicable, womanizing, money-grubbing, chicken-hawk, terrible human being,” get comfortable, and allow me to state my case. Continue reading

Personal Foul, Unstatesmanlike Conduct, Number 45.

Let’s say you’re a supporter of a professional football team. We’ll call them the Orangemen. Not the Syracuse Orangemen, since they’re just the “Orange” now. Same state though, just for consistency’s sake. The New York Orangemen.

A flamboyant, rich businessman sees an opportunity, swoops in and buys the team. His name is Ronald. Ronald Chump. Continue reading

The League Of Extraordinary Former Invertebrates

There’s nothing especially courageous about saying Donald Trump is nuts. He is, objectively, the most narcissistic, unpredictable, and petulant man to ever hold the office of President of the United States. Sure, maybe “nuts” isn’t the right way to frame the man’s clearly evidenced personality deficiencies. But, in layman’s terms, Donald Trump is more than nuts. To paraphrase the Secretary of State, he’s “fucking nuts.”

Democrats have been saying Trump is insane and his followers are deplorable since he descended the golden escalator back in 2015. “Descend the golden escalator” sounds like a euphemism for something slimy, but in this case…well, it’s still slimy, just in a different way. Continue reading

Shut Up & Play, Unless I Like What You’re Saying.

If you’re a conservative, you likely believe that success comes from work ethic, skill, and maybe a tiny bit of luck. People get successful by plugging away, working their way up, and taking risks. Some “conservatives” also mix in several bankruptcies and being an orange-faced douche canoe, but that’s clearly not necessary to achieve success.

Now, I’ve written before about the idea that we’ve each got about a 1 in 100 shot at jumping more than one class level from where we’re born. And I’ve blogged about capitalism’s bent toward helping the rich get richer at the expense of the poor. I’ve ranted about the misguided glorification of entrepreneurship by the right. And yeah, I’ve written about plenty of other things that should give you a good indication that I’m a sissy pinko commie well-educated, intelligent, and compassionate liberal. I even know what the Oxford comma is AND I’m not afraid to use it. #nerd Continue reading

Hey Bubba, If The Icecaps Melt, There’ll Be Less Animals For You To Shoot.

Scientists tend to agree that climate change is happening, and humans are at least partially to blame.

Ask a liberal what they think, and you’ll likely hear something like this:

“Hang on, let me put down my non-GMO soy half-caff, fair trade, locally-sourced macchiato so I can gesticulate properly. Look, if 97% of scientists agree that we’re impacting our environment negatively, and there’s something we can do to reverse the damage, what’s the problem? We’ve only got one earth, and I want to leave a beautiful planet to my exceptional and gifted children, Namaste and Flax.” Continue reading

I expect

I expect him to be a conservative, but I also expect him to be competent.

I expect him to be a rookie, but I also expect him to be respectful of the office.

I expect him to have a grand ego, but I also expect him to place his grand responsibility above that.

I expect him to be strong-willed, but I also expect him to seek good guidance.

I expect him to be different, but I also expect him to be diligent.

I expect him to upend the government, but I also expect him to uphold the Constitution.

I expect him to do what he thinks is best, but I expect that “best” to be for us, not him.

I expect him to be a Republican, as long as he’s an American first.

I expect him to hate the press he’s getting, as long as he knows the vital necessity of a free press.

I expect him to disagree with people like me, as long as he vehemently protects our right to do so.

I expect him to be a conservative, as long as he conserves the democracy above all else.