Here’s a quick list of things Donald Trump can do because, according to Rudy Giuliani’s legal ramblings, they aren’t expressly forbidden by the Constitution.
- He can eat Filet-o-Fish sandwiches and Big Mac’s with absolute impunity. The Constitution does not mention fast food, nor the President’s physical fitness, nor his status as a role model for the nation.
- He can cheat on his first wife with his second wife, cheat on her with yet another wife, cheat on that wife with a porn star, and cheat on the porn star with a Playboy model. The Constitution does not mention the President’s marital fidelity, nor does it make any reference to pornography.
- He can sacrifice a goat to the Devil in the middle of a pentagram on the South Lawn of the White House. The Constitution is remarkably silent on Satanic rituals.
- He can climb to the top of the Washington Monument and piss on the assembled masses below. The Constitution does not expressly prohibit watersports, though it is worth noting that the President’s physical fitness and aging prostate might prove to quash such activities.[i]
- He can ride a coked-up Bengal tiger through the halls of the White House. The Constitution never once mentions Bengal tigers.
- He can appoint completely unqualified hacks to every position under Article II, so long as he gains the “advice and consent” of the Senate. Given the Senate’s composition and recent record, it appears that there is no Constitutional prohibition, express nor implied, on having a Cabinet chock full o’ nincompoops. Nincompoopery = 100% constitutional.
- The President can lie, constantly, about matters large and small. The Constitution does not expressly forbid the President from lying. While the previous occupants lied occasionally, they significantly underutilized their apparent constitutional power to trade in outright deception.
- Donald can make money by selling hats and t-shirts with his mottos and image. The Constitution prohibits receiving emoluments from foreign governments, but there’s nothing in that document from 1789 that says he can’t dropship some custom-printed tees on a poorly managed website. As Alexander Hamilton once said, “get thine sales funnel primed, bro.”
- He can select himself to be an astronaut. The Constitution is strangely silent on matters of space travel.
- Trump can trick Mike Pence by promising to hold the football while the Veep kicks it, only to pull it away at the last second. Mr. Pence’s momentum will cause him to fall flat on his back, but he’ll never learn. And the President is completely safe, as the Framers never made a single mention of Peanuts, Charlie Brown, nor Lucy. It’s safe to assume the lack of prohibition on the old cartoon prank was fully intentional.
- The President can wear a Qaddafi/Stalin/Mussolini/Idi Amin style military uniform. As the Commander-in-Chief, it’s assumed that the President is a civilian representative of the populace who, in turn, exercises authority over the people’s military. But that’s an assumption. The Constitution never once says that the President can’t play dress-up and strut around like the very model of a modern major general.
- He can play golf every single weekend, come hell or high water. Presidents before Trump, and Trump before President Trump, felt that the job of President of the United States was simply too demanding to afford much time on the links. But there’s not a single line in the entire Constitution telling us exactly how much golf is too much golf. We’re left to assume that nonstop golf would be possible, legal, and acceptable in the eyes of the Framers.
Indeed, according to the preeminent legal scholar and cousin-banger of the 21st Century, Rudy Giuliani, if it doesn’t say he cannot do it, he can. Every line of the Constitution was intentional, and every line they left out was intentional, too.
The Framers didn’t prohibit mounting a donkey and making human/donkey babies, so GAME ON, DONKEY FUCKERS. Their failure to prohibit such activity was 100% on purpose, because while they may or may not have approved of donkey fucking, they would have defended to the death your right to fuck donkeys.
To think otherwise is to impute a sense of moral understanding and expectation to the founders of modern, Western Democracy. To think they wouldn’t approve of donkey fucking, or at least approve of your right to fuck donkeys, is to assume they really wanted to limit your right to self-determination. And while they may or may not have assumed no one would want to shtup a donkey, at best, their silence on the matter leaves rules on donkey fucking to the States.
[bctt tweet=”GAME ON, DONKEY FUCKERS.”]
Of course, the Constitution doesn’t protect anyone from the natural consequences of exercising “freedoms.” Exercising your free speech might get you punched in the face. Riding a coked-up Bengal tiger might get you mauled. Donkey loving is Constitutional, but you might contract a donkey STD.
And trying to pardon yourself might get you toppled like a statue of a dictator in a military uniform. But it’s not prohibited, so by all means, have at it, Donnie!
Want to read more of my stuff? Try this one: Men, We Have To Do Better. Or this one: The Drunken, Rapey Elephant In The Room. Maybe you’ll like this one: California Is Hella Stoked It’s Not Mississippi.
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[i] NOTE: One might say, “That would be a misdemeanor, and would open him to impeachment by the House of Representatives under the Constitution.” That, of course, would require the House to vote to impeach Mr. Trump, which seems unlikely. And the impeachment would only result in conviction and removal from office if 2/3 of the Senate voted him guilty…an eventuality almost guaranteed never to happen. That is, Donald Trump can piss on everyone, assuming he’s confident Congress wouldn’t hold him accountable.