Sorry, you are who you vote for.

People don’t come right out and say, “I voted for Donald Trump because he’s a racist, a xenophobic ass, and a misogynist.” But people likewise aren’t supporting Donald Trump because of the nonsense reasons they give.

Instead, they tell us that they appreciate how he tells it like it is (just like drunk Uncle Billy at Thanksgiving dinner, who is a limitless font of familial harmony).

They say he’s a breath of fresh air after eight awful years under Obama (back when a Muslim from Kenya imposed Sharia law on us while seizing our guns and physically shifting the White House off of its foundation so it could face Mecca. Thank God that’s over, that burka was getting hot, am I right?).

They’re happy that he nominated two conservatives to the Supreme Court (just like that one time when I stopped being the human embodiment of the Tasmanian Devil for one hour and cleaned the kitchen of my own accord…sure, babe, it was two years ago, but ‘member when I did that?).

They’re ecstatic that he is pulling the U.S. out of the Paris Climate Accord (*bails rising seawater out of living room).

They’re thrilled we “finally have a Christian in the White House.” (Just ask any Two Corinthians you meet, they’ll vouch for him).

They’ll tout that he’s tough on immigration (warning: unless they’re telling you that from a reservation, be skeptical on their understanding of this one).

He protects our homeland from would-be invading radical Islamic terrorists (which does not include Saudis, who only funded an attack on us that one time…well, four times if you’re counting each plane. But it was only on one day. Stop splitting hairs, or the terrorists win).

He doesn’t bow to Europe or Emmanuel Macron (though he may pop a tic-tac and try to grab Manny’s wife by the…hand and shake it for an awkward length of time).

He represents Pittsburgh, not Paris (neither of which voted for him).

He’s working hard to free us from the shackles of Obamacare (freeing up valuable dollars for scratchers and Keystone Light).

Exhibit A: A racist, xenophobic, misogynist in his natural habitat.
Yeah, I’m talking to you, Buford.

You know, I’m just going to throw the bullshit flag. Everyone who says this stuff is hereby penalized 15 metres. Yep, I penalized you in metres because I’m a liberal coastal elite who hates apple pie and your grandma. My grandma’s awesome, so it’s not blanket disdain for grandmas. That would be ageist and sexist, and that kind of rhetoric would get me kicked out of the artisanal kim chi section at Whole Foods. I need my naturally occurring probiotics, so that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

[bctt tweet=”Everyone who says this stuff is hereby penalized 15 metres. Yep, I penalized you in metres because I’m a liberal coastal elite who hates apple pie and your grandma.” username=”trifectablog”]

They’re telling you policy reasons because they don’t want to tell you the real reason. Hell, they might not even understand the real reason, given their general lack of introspection.

They’re telling you all of this because they don’t want you to know that they support him because he’s a major dick, and they identify with him because of it.

Yep, I said it. They didn’t read The Economist or the Wall Street Journal or the Washington Times, carefully consider all of the relative policy issues, and arrive at the conclusion that Donald Trump is the best leader for our capitalist, representative democracy. They don’t sell those periodicals down at the Piggly Wiggly. And what the hell is a periodical? God damn liberal, why y’all gotta use big words all the time. Fuckin’ nerd. *spits tobacco on the ground.

They didn’t study these matters in school for years and years and arrive at conclusions supportive of Donnie’s policies. Namely because the price of education has skyrocketed…probably because of welfare or the gays or something. All I know is we didn’t have these problems back when you could pray in school.

They love him because there’s something familiar about him. There’s something reassuring in his tone and style. He reminds them of themselves. You know, except for the inherited wealth, multiple bankruptcies, Manhattan address, gold plated everything, and Slovenian model wife.

But when he talks about a complete and total shutdown of Muslims coming into the country until we can figure out what the hell is going on, it assures them their suspicion of brown people is a valid, intelligent viewpoint.

[bctt tweet=”He reminds them of themselves. You know, except for the inherited wealth, multiple bankruptcies, Manhattan address, gold plated everything, and Slovenian model wife.” username=”trifectablog”]

It doesn’t matter that it’s politically incorrect. It proves that it’s the smart way to view the world, because the leader of the free world feels that way, too.

In other words, when he’s a racist, xenophobic (that means “fear of strangers”) dick, you like him because you are a racist, xenophobic dick, too.

Now you can tell me, “Wait, just because I want to look past the bleeding heart viewpoint that would let anyone and everyone into our country doesn’t mean I’m a racist or that other word you said.”

But yeah, it kind of does, Buford. Your name is Buford, right? And the word is xenophobic, Buford. It means fearful of strangers. No, not xenaphobic, which is fear of Xena, Warrior PrincessXenophobic.

Listen Buford, politicians can’t come right out and say “I hate brown people.” Unless they are in Mississippi. But they can “dog whistle.” Just like a dog whistle, they say things that the average voter can’t hear. The intended recipient, however, is attuned to certain phrases and words such that the message is received loud and clear.

[bctt tweet=”And the word is xenophobic, Buford. It means fearful of strangers. No, not xenaphobic, which is fear of Xena, Warrior Princess. Xenophobic.” username=”trifectablog”]

He wasn’t saying “radical Islamic terrorist” and “total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the country” because he thinks it’s the right thing to do. It doesn’t matter if it is. He said it because, while a deep thinker might question the legitimacy such a blanket statement, he knew you would think it was a brilliant, anti-establishment flash of genius. Because you’re a predictable, racist, xenophobic dick, Buford.

It was fine when he made fun of a disabled reporter, publicly denigrated Megan Kelly and her menstrual cycle, grabbed women by the pussies, and called everyone on the campaign trail childish names. It was totally kosher (that’s one of them there Jew words we East Coasters use that means, colloquially, “acceptable”) because you and the rest of his base are playground bullies.

The problem with America, in your mind, is that we don’t teach our kids to stand up and fight each other anymore. “Hell, if someone had tried to bully me, I would have just kicked their ass after school,” you’re thinking to yourself. Unlike liberals, you understand that violence solves so many more problems than it creates, and you’re teaching your children the same. What this world needs is more assholes, and you’re doing your part to model what that looks like for your kids. Now go make me a sammich, woman, don’t make me tell you again!

No, the real problem surely can’t be that you’re a pre-evolutionary knuckle dragger whose dead weight slows down the country’s progress toward the cosmos.

But when you see the would-be leader of the free world not giving a shit about “saying the right thing” or “being a good person,” it resonates with you. When he’s an asshole, it pisses nice people off. That makes us want to take action, such as writing blog posts, using reusable tote bags we received when with our Atlantic subscription, or just voting for someone else.

But when you see his assholishness, it makes you want to jump in and pummel whoever he’s bullying. Your pre-evolutionary, lack of introspect-having, reptile brain tells you to pile on, so you pile on. You cheer him on, because he’s one of you. Go Assholes Go!

I could go on and on. He does something every day that insults the honor of his office. But as long as his base is a group of non-ideological, reactionary people, he’s golden.

The more racist his policies, the higher the racists’ love for him grows.

The more xenophobic his rants, the more the provincial backwoods chumps relate to him.

The more misogynistic he becomes, the deeper the chauvinists’ support for him is.

We can challenge it, we can try to persuade people, we can write and protest and rally and pray and watch Rachel Maddow until we’re bluer in the face than we already were.

But the truth is, the more of a unrelenting dick he is, the stronger his lock on the dick vote becomes.

Want to read more of my stuff? Try this one: A Billionaire And A Gay Prostitute Walk Into The Public Square. Or maybe you’ll like this one: Hello, 911? Can You Send A Sociopath? Perhaps you’ll prefer this one: 6 Lies About Immigrants Trump Hopes You Believe.

Need more articles like this in your life? Click here to sign up for emails from my mom’s favorite blogger!

Help break The Donald’s kung fu grip on the dick vote. Subscribe here on my site by clicking the “follow” button, or visit me at facebook or twitter.

53 thoughts on “Sorry, you are who you vote for.

    • Thank you, sir! Hey, that’s all I can hope for. I doubt very seriously I’m going to change anyone’s mind about much of anything. But if I can make a few people laugh, I’ll take it! Thanks for reading my post!

  1. You hit it out of the park, as always. I just shared this with my 65 person super-secret FB group. You should be seeing some new followers.

    Cheers mate.

    • Hey, thanks Scott! Had the topic on the brain this weekend and found some time this morning to finish fleshing it out. Glad you liked it! And please, share away, always appreciated.

  2. Point on. I love it and couldn’t have said it better. He’s an asshole and a crook that should be locked up.

    • I am waiting for the “lock her up” crowd to be intellectually honest and start demanding for people in this administration to be locked up, too. I think I might be waiting for a loooooong time! Thanks so much for reading my post! I hope you’ll follow my blog so you can see more fun diatribes such as this one 🙂

  3. On the nose. I’ve been begging my Trump-supporter relatives to tell me one reason they like him. Just one. Because if they can’t or won’t I have to believe it’s for reasons they’re not comfortable telling me.

    • Thanks for reading my post, Christine! I totally agree. I am 100% fine with someone being intellectually, ideologically conservative. I disagree with them, but it’s at least a reasoned approach. But Trump voters, as a group, aren’t reasonable. They are gullible people with misplaced anger at their cores, being pandered to by a professional salesman. You’d think for all of the “common sense” they tout, they’d object to being made fools of by an orange sideshow barker.

  4. I must share this with my “It’s not easy being liberal in Mississippi group.” Yes, we do exist. Everyone here is not a Buford. We just have a higher percentage of Bufords!

    • Admittedly, I’ve spent only a little bit of time in Mississippi. I spent the night in Jackson once, and I’ve been to Biloxi 3 or 4 times. I’ve driven through the state a few more times than that. To be fair, I have very little data upon which to base my anti-Mississippi statements. That, however, has never stopped me before. Plus, your state spewed forth Trent Lott, so there’s that. Thanks for reading my post, I hope you’ll poke around and find some other good posts to read! 🙂

  5. Well, I hope you are proud of yourself! I have a TON of things to do today before I can watch Chip and Joanna on HGTV. But, I just found your blog and I can’t stop reading and walk away! How am I going to explain to people that my toilets aren’t scrubbed because I was reading a blog? A quote by Alice Roosevelt Longfellow comes to mind as I read your posts: “If you can’t say something good about someone, sit right here by me.” Well done, sir.

    • Haha, thank you, Shelly! We would be good friends. My hobbies include making fun of people at a safe distance, making random pop culture references that confirm my sustained lack of productivity, and macrame. Okay, I don’t really do macrame. There’s a thick yarn shortage where I live. Thanks again for checking out my stuff!

    • You’re very welcome, Pat! And thanks for reading my post! I am glad you enjoyed it. Take a look around here, there are some other good posts on here, too. And a few crappy ones. But mostly good ones.

  6. There was not a single candidate among the top three who I could vote for without serious angst and even tears. Sadly, we are not there yet for a third party candidate to have a serious chance of winning. Hillary broke the law. Had I done what she did, I would have been a) fired, and b) under investigation by the FBI for improper handling of government materials, and c) facing possible jail time. It’s not okay. The Donald is a jerk. Gary Johnson is a joker, a smoker, a midnight toker. None of these candidates is who I am. None. of. them.

    • Hi! Thanks for checking out my post. Here’s the thing on third parties. Because we’re not a parliamentary system, it’s quite hard to get a groundswell to hoist a third-party candidate from obscurity to the #1 political job in the world. Third parties have to play the long game. They have to plan on winning the presidency 30-50 years from now, but start today winning city council, mayoral, and state representative races. They need to have structure and money and recognition. They need a legislative voting caucus. Without any of that, it’s a pipe dream that waxes and wanes in four year cycles, never gaining enough traction to sustain forward progress beyond Election Day. Hmm. None of that was funny. So here’s some funny: I played Chubby Bunny the other night and got 9 jumbo marshmallows in my mouth. I won, because I was home alone. I tried stuffing marshmallows in my dog’s mouth, but he just kept eating them. I explained the rules not once but TWICE to him. He said he doesn’t speak English, but I was like, “You just said THAT in English.” He responded, “Arf.” Little fucker.

  7. This post says everything I’ve been thinking but haven’t ever fully verbalized. I came here via your Shiplap post and read some cold hard truths there, too. Love it, can’t wait to read more!

    • That’s so great to hear, Amber. I try to mix in a little truth with my funny…I was preparing to be a teacher once upon a time and doing my student teaching at a middle school. I found that kids (and adults) stick with you a lot longer if they’re laughing…and then you can sneak in a few lessons. I’m not unlike Fat Albert in that way. Except for my race, my weight, my residence outside of a junkyard, and the fact that my voice is self-produced and not that of an (alleged) sex offender.

    • Thank you so much! That means a lot to me. I’m glad you’re enjoying my stuff. If you’re on facebook or twitter, follow me there as well so you get the fun tidbits in between the larger posts. “Fun tidbits in between the larger posts,” sounds dirty if you take it out of context, so don’t, okay?

  8. This. All of this. The 8 Things I Hate About HGTV brought me here, but this post has made me a follower. Living in Idaho, my husband’s family is in Texas, this was amazing. I laughed because it’s funny, cried because it’s true, and shared because the assholes can fuck off. Cheers to you.

    • I recall a few years back, I went home to Texas to visit my family. Now, I’ve lived in Nevada, California, and Virginia in the last 12 years…all three of which fall on the left-to-center end of the spectrum (I’m in northern VA…southern is where the ghost of Robert E. Lee would win in any election vs. a live Democrat). What kills me is how in Texas, it is ASSUMED that you are just as much of a racist, angry asshat as the person who is speaking to you. It’s just built in that you are sure to hate President Obama because he’s a got-durned Moslem from Africa. At any rate, I miss my family and friends, but I don’t miss Texas itself. Happy to get to be a freethinker without fear of reprisal from Jethro in a F350. Thanks for reading my stuff!

  9. Pingback: At the end of the day, I watch TV. | Hitting the Trifecta

  10. Thank you for this. I needed the laugh. Ever since this whole debacle started, I’ve been depressed because I had no idea (denial?) that some (a lot) of my friends and family members are racist, misogynistic, ignorant, dick-faced “Bufords”. Very disappointing. Thank you for the reminder that his four years won’t last forever. It will just feel like it. But then we can laugh and laugh and laugh when it’s all over, right? RIGHT?!?

    • I mean, if we can’t laugh at our radiated, 2/3-of-society-dead, nuclear-winter-having selves in 2019, then what can we laugh at? I’m hoping that something will intervene before that happens, but I’m stocking up on canned goods just in case. In the economy of the future, cans of creamed corn will still be gross, but they will be of great value. And yeah, I’ve given up chatting with my dad about anything beyond the family itself and sports. I value the love I share with my father about 1% more than I value smacking him over the head with logic, lots of education, and a little bit of sarcasm and wit mixed in. But, 1% more is still more, so I remain adept at changing the subject back to his favorite team and my least favorite team, the Dallas Cowboys. All you have to do is say, “So what do you think about Ezekiel Elliot” and BAM, politics gets brushed aside for about 75 minutes. And by then, NCIS is coming on, so it’s time to shut up and watch this episode that he’s already seen for the 4th time.

  11. Thanks for making the WH invader supporters more understandable. Shared with my nasty women friends. Keep up the awesome work,( I no longer use the G word since 45 came on the candidate stage and the other 17 stooges stepped back and gave him all the lime light!).

    • Thank you Sue! I’m glad you liked it. I work in DC – I run a restaurant on 7th Street right around the corner from the National Mall. The day of the Women’s March was a sight to behold. (a) It was the busiest day in my restaurant’s history, by far, (b) I was encouraged to see that the crowd for the March was about 3x that of the Inauguration, which had been the day before – and which contrary to Spicey’s assertion, was NOT the largest attendance at an inauguration, “period,” and (c) I learned that having only one bathroom, while perfectly acceptable under DC code, is a TERRIBLE idea when you’re 6 feet away from the entry point of the Women’s March on Washington. Also, I didn’t get to use the bathroom for about 12 hours. Fortunately, I was severely dehydrated from drowning my sorrows the night after Donald was sworn in, so it was one time when coming close to kidney failure had a silver lining. Like literally, the lining of my kidneys turned an iridescent silvery color, according to the CAT scan. Weird, huh?

  12. Cousin Rickey –

    Where is your “subscribe to my brain” button? I have not subscribed to a blog in a long time, but yours is a sanity chaser to my morning cups (plural) of joe. Is it true ??you are in Georgia my home state – even though I wisely moved 3 miles over the state line in Tennessee to take advantage of no state income tax, plentiful fireworks, and the lack of Georgia Governor angst.

    I’ll follow you on Twitter as I await your reply to my query <~ hah, that just auto corrected to queer as my iPhone leans liberal.


    ps… so I fill out the form to submit this, only to discover the "follow on WordPress" button in eye-squint font size just below it. I'm sticking with my comment though. LxoJ

    • Well hello, Lisa, and thank you for the kind words! I’m glad you liked what I wrote. I am not from Georgia, actually. I live in Virginia, by way of California, Nevada and originally, Texas. Being a Texan by birth (and for 28 years before life took me elsewhere), I can relate to the joy/pain of living in a place like Georgia. Some would say it’s like the juxtaposition between sunshine and rain. I hope you’ll stick around and read more of what I write, subscribe, follow me on Twitter, literally follow me around, or whatever else you’d like to do to validate my fragile ego. Oh, and If you’re in Eastern Tennessee, you might be near a Pal’s…if so, go have a Double Big Pal for me.

      • okay so you are near my DC/MD inlaws and the Potomac River where my husband, teen daughter and i regularly plunge our kayaks through Great Falls. And you know Pal’s (extra points)… a hang out for us musicians of the American born music du grass. The family and I are due for another pass through. Thanks for the ping back. Consider yourself well-stalked by myself, the husband Joe, and a few others in our circle. Get off the computer now and go outside. That’s my brain talking out loud. sorry.

  13. I wish I hadn’t been drinking my iced tea when I read about the Two Corinthians. Man, I had stuff I really needed to do today. But I’ll be reading your blog instead.

    • Hi Beth, thank you so much! I hope you’ll find more fun stuff to read around here. Fortunately it was iced tea. You could have been drinking a jalapeño margarita or something. As John Lennon once said, “If you had fun wasting time, your time wasn’t wasted.” And as John Lennon also once said, “Oh shit, you shot me!” Too soon? Probably. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have written that, and the backspace button is broken on my laptop, so I had no choice but to leave it in and post this. No choice at all. *winks across the room at ghost of John Lennon.

  14. Apparently I’m a bald Mormon from Utah. The parishioners at the Lutheran Church where I’m a pastor are going to be REALLY surprised.

  15. I’ve been seeing your articles more and more on Facebook and I can’t stop reading and laughing, please keep writing because this is beautiful!

    • Well thank you, Katt! Much appreciated. I am glad you’re enjoying my work! My boss would probably prefer me to do actual “work” but writing nonsense on the internet is WAY more fun. Hope you’ll stick around/subscribe/follow/follow me around in real life/keep a safe distance/not too safe though/I move in a zig-zag pattern to throw off stalkers. 🙂

  16. This. Is. Amazing! So accurate and so well written. I shared it with all of my non-knuckle dragging relatives (slim pickins in my backwards family).

    • Thank you Adriana! I’m glad you liked it. I hope you’ll subscribe/follow/follow me around in real life or whatever makes you happy. Just don’t make it weird, okay? Making things weird is my job, and I’m very insecure about competition.

  17. Love your writing. Funny–but also makes some good points. I got turned on to you from the HGTV post, but have liked the other stuff I have read as well.

    • Thank you so much! I’m glad you found my stuff, and especially glad you enjoyed it. Hope you’ll check back from time to time and/or subscribe and find some more good stuff to read here!

    • Well thank you, johnnyboots! Very kind of you to say. I’ll try to make it worth your coffee break time…beats playing Candy Witch Mathdoku Sniper With Friends or whatever the kids are playing these days. Hope you’ll stick around and find more fun stuff to read here!

  18. I feel like you must be my long lost twin, or at the very least, my spirit animal. Thank you for saying all of the things I wish I could.

  19. I disagree on one salient point: Trump is no dick. Trump is an asshole. While pussies may not like dicks because, they fuck them; dicks can also fuck assholes, and without dicks around to fuck assholes, the assholes just shit all over everything. Trump shits all over everything. He is a quintessential asshole. Dicks may be reckless and annoying, but they are better than assholes.

  20. Pingback: Overrated, Failing White House Is A Dump. Sad! | Hitting the Trifecta

  21. Pingback: The Buddha In The White House | Hitting the Trifecta

  22. Pingback: Personal Foul, Unstatesmanlike Conduct, Number 45. | Hitting the Trifecta

  23. Pingback: Straight Outta Mar-A-Lago • Hitting the Trifecta

  24. Pingback: California Is Hella Stoked It's Not Mississippi. | HITTING THE TRIFECTA

Leave a Reply